TOW The Insurance Fraud
by Cress
Summary: Joey:Chandler slash, with limited Monica:Rachel and Ross:Phoebe. Chandler devises a scheme to pay for Joey's hernia operation.
1. The Proposal

**In episode 604, TOW Joey Loses His Insurance, several things happen: Joey works to get back his health insurance, even though he has a hernia; Ross lectures at NYU with a fake accent; Rachel packs up to move in with Ross, but finds out that he lied about getting an annulment; and Phoebe's psychic predicts that she will die in a week (but it turns out to be the psychic who dies).**

**Anyway, this story is based on that episode, but with a twist. Sorry if any of the details here about insurance are not like real life. I did do a little bit of research into health plans with the Screen Actors Guild, but can't guarantee accuracy. This story is only for entertainment, after all.**

* * *

On the couch at Central Perk, Joey was still obviously suffering from his hernia, and Chandler pleaded with him, "Will you go to the hospital!"

Joey stubbornly refused. "Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it's getting darker and more painful. That means it's healing."

Chandler groaned. "I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let's just get that thing... pushed back in."

"Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back, and I don't want that hanging over my head, okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in, I can get all the free operations I want. Yeah, I'm thinking I'll probably start with that laser eye surgery too."

Chandler couldn't believe this. In some ways, the situation was ludicrously funny, but in other ways, it was horribly serious too.

Phoebe entered the coffeehouse, and they told her about Joey's hernia. She looked excited and said, "Hey, maybe you'll die!"

Joey cringed. "Chandler, I'm scared."

"No, we can go together!" She was still convinced that her psychic's prediction would come true, and she would die by Friday. Phoebe spoke of death as if it were a lark, and said, "We can come back and haunt these guys."

Chandler was impressed. Maybe Phoebe's bizarre ideas might convince Joey to go to the hospital. "You heard her, Joe. Do you want to have the operation, or go haunting with Phoebe?"

Joey was torn. "How can I owe you that much money?"

Chandler sighed. "Fine, fine! It won't be a loan. Just think of it as my gift to you, free of charge. A going away present before I move in with Monica."

Joey pondered that, but shook his head. "No, Chandler, I don't want your money."

"Why?" he whined. Joey never minded Chandler paying bills for him before.

"Chandler, I just--I have to get used to paying my own bills, you know, since you're moving in with Monica and everything."

"But, Joe--!" Frustrated, Chandler sat back and felt like screaming or throwing something. But then, he had a wild idea. "My company's gay friendly," he said. They looked at him bewilderedly, and Chandler explained that he and Joey could sign up as domestic partners so that his company's health plan would cover Joey's operation.

"What!" They were shocked.

"Yeah, I mean, we're always being mistaken for a gay couple anyway, Joe. Why not get some money out of it? I'm not sure, but I think we'd just have to prove that we've lived together a long time and that I support you, which is true. How would they know if we're just roommates or not?"

Joey and Phoebe just stared at him incredulously. Was Chandler actually serious? Not joking even just a little bit?

"What about Monica?" Joey asked.

Chandler shrugged. "Don't worry, I'll talk to her about it. I'm sure she'd understand."

"Not likely," Phoebe muttered.

Chandler ignored her. "I'll just--I'll just put off moving in with her, you know, until you're recovered and everything. Somebody's got to take care of you, Joe."

"Chandler, are you listening to yourself?" Phoebe asked. "You're gonna pretend you're gay for money. You might as well star in gay porn."

"Phoebe! It's not for the money, it's so Joey will agree to go to the hospital. Come on, Joe, how can you possibly go to your auditions today when you're in this much pain?"

Joey insisted, "It's not that bad. I can tough it out."

"Joey, you passed out before and couldn't stand up! What if it happens to you again, and no one's there to help you?"

"Then he'll die," Phoebe said, and turned to Joey. "Say hi to my grandma for me and tell her I'm coming soon."

Joey frowned and really didn't like the choice he was being given. "So either I'm dead or I'm your gay husband?"

"Why not?" Chandler shrugged. "You've auditioned for gay roles before, Joe. That's all this is, and it's only on paper. You wouldn't have to learn lines or kiss anybody, and it wouldn't affect your reputation with women."

Joey thought about that. "You wouldn't care that people at your office think you're gay?"

"Hey, most of my co-workers already think that! Even when I brought Monica to a work party, people kept asking me, 'What happened to your "roommate"? He was hot.' Monica never came to my work functions after that, so I can just say that I got back together with you, Joey."

Joey recalled the last time that he'd attended a work party with Chandler. "Wait, that's why all the women I hit on at your office looked at me weird? I thought I'd lost the Joey touch." He tried to laugh, but his hernia made it too painful.

"Joey!" Chandler couldn't stand seeing him like this. "That's it! As, as your gay husband, I'm putting my foot down. I'm gonna take you to the hospital right now."

"But the insurance--"

Chandler dismissed it. "I'll just sign us up at my work afterward, and they'll pay me back."

Joey still hesitated. "You sure?"

"Yeah!" Chandler knew that the insurance coverage probably wouldn't start that promptly, but he didn't care. "The important thing is for you to get better. Let's go!" He eased Joey up from the couch and helped him out the door.

Phoebe followed them and couldn't believe this was actually happening. "But, but this is crazy. You shouldn't--"

Chandler hailed a taxi and helped Joey into it. "Phoebe, can you tell Monica where I went? I'll explain to her about the insurance thing."

"But--nooo!" They just drove off to the hospital, leaving Phoebe standing there on the sidewalk. She was stunned and definitely convinced that Chandler's whole scheme was a bad idea, even worse than Ross's idea to secretly stay married to Rachel. What was wrong with everybody since Vegas?


	2. At the Hospital

So Chandler brought Joey to the emergency room, and he filled out all the forms. For now, he indicated that Joey had no insurance, and that Chandler would be paying the bill for his treatment.

While Joey was in surgery, Chandler waited around, and called Estelle to tell her why Joey wouldn't be able to make it to any of his auditions today, and possibly for the next month. (The doctor said it would take four to six weeks before Joey was fully recovered, or possibly less time, if he didn't strain himself by lifting weights.) Then Chandler called his office and said he had an emergency at the hospital because a "very close friend" was sick.

Finally, Joey was brought into a recovery room, and Chandler sat by his bed, relieved. "Don't you feel better now? I sure do."

Joey was a bit foggy because of the pain killers, but he pressed back on Chandler's hand.

Suddenly Monica burst into the room. "Phoebe told me everything! Are you nuts, Chandler?"

He hushed her and wished that Phoebe had let him explain things later. "Mon! I thought only family were allowed to come in here."

_Family!_ "I said I was Joey's sister." She slugged Chandler with her purse. "I can't believe you really told that nurse that you were his husband! It's bad enough that strangers always ask me if my boyfriend is gay, but for you to actually claim that..."

Joey spoke somewhat slowly, "I'm--I'm sorry, Mon."

She sighed. "I'm not mad at you, Joey. Just him."

"But--"

She shook her head and patted Joey's hand. "This is between me and him. Just rest." She and Chandler retreated to a corner of the room and spoke with lowered voices.

"I'm sorry, Monica. I'm not doing this to hurt you; this is for Joey's sake."

"What about me? You're gonna postpone moving in with me? If we were getting married, would you postpone that too?"

Chandler said, "It's only an extra month. I wanna make sure that he's completely healed before I go. Come on, it's Joey. He's my best friend."

"Right! Not your husband!"

Chandler shrugged. "Tell that to the people who keep thinking we're a couple--even before I mention that my dad's gay, or that Joey and I are roommates."

"But Chandler--!" Monica stopped because a nurse entered to check in on Joey.

"You're the husband, I presume," the nurse spoke cheerfully and motioned for Chandler to come to the bed. "Let me go over some things with you two."

Chandler quickly sat and took Joey's hand again. "We're listening."

Monica folded her arms and looked exasperated.

* * *

In the waiting room, Phoebe sat wondering where Ross and Rachel were. She had called them after she finally found Monica and told her everything.

Just then, Ross and Rachel arrived, looking as if they'd just had a fight. As they sat down with Phoebe, Ross remarked, "Man, I can't believe Chandler would do something like this! It's crazy."

"Oh yeah?" Rachel asked. "Crazier than telling your Vegas wife that you got an annulment when you really didn't?"

"What!" Phoebe pretended to be shocked. "You and Ross are still married? Merciful heavens!"

Ross glared at her. "I already told Rachel that you knew."

"Oh." Phoebe shrank away with guilt. "Well, um, at least I didn't keep Chandler's secret to myself, huh?"

Rachel nodded and realized something. "Hey, wait, what if Monica breaks up with Chandler about this, or at least doesn't let him move in? This means I don't have to move out, which is great, considering that this _liar_ was going to be my roommate!" She hit Ross.

Bored of Ross and Rachel's antics, Phoebe was impatient to know how Monica's argument with Chandler was going. So she got up and asked the admitting nurse again, "Please, can we go see Joey yet? You said the operation was over. We're his best friends."

The nurse shrugged and let them go.

* * *

With the nurse gone, Monica tried to resume her argument with Chandler, but then Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe arrived at the door.

Chandler welcomed them inside. "Hi! Come in. Look, Joe, it's everybody."

The three friends gathered around Joey's bed, murmuring, "Hi" and "How are you?"

Joey responded vaguely, but still looked at Monica and Chandler with worry.

Chandler chatted happily. "He's doing great. The nurse said he should be up and walking by tomorrow. Just short walks around the room, and to the bathroom. So apparently, he doesn't get any sponge baths--"

"Chandler!" Monica had enough of his preoccupation with Joey. "We're not done talking yet. Get over here!"

Leaving the others to keep Joey company, Monica and Chandler exited to the hallway.

Chandler said, "Mon, you should have seen how bad he was before. Did you want me to let his pride stand in the way of getting him to a doctor?"

"No, but you could have tricked him into going to the hospital. You could have asked his parents to help out. You could have called me and asked my opinion. But no, you had to go make up this whole stupid lie and repeat it to strangers!"

"I'm sorry, it was an emergency and maybe I didn't think it through--"

"You're damn right! I mean, besides how upset you're making me, Chandler, this--" she made sure that no hospital staff were nearby and whispered, "this is insurance fraud. Rachel and I tried switching identities once so that she could use my insurance, but we almost got caught and had to back out. Trust me, this will never work."

"Well, we're not switching identities, Monica. We're just... fibbing about what we do in the bedroom."

She sighed and felt a headache coming on. "Just tell me you didn't actually start any paperwork at your company!"

"No, not yet. I figure I'll come in and speak to someone in Human Resources about health benefits for him. If I can't get the insurance to pay for this operation, at least I can maybe get some time off work so I can take care of Joey at home."

"What! First you won't move in with me, now you're taking time off from your job? Why? He'll be walking around soon."

"Exactly! Without supervision, he might try too much too fast and strain himself again. I mean, this is Joey, who dislocated his arm jumping up and down on the bed, who invented Fireball and Hammer Darts..."

"All right!" she conceded. "But between the six of us, we can check on him during the day."

"No, everybody's busy! Even Ross has a job now. Besides, I'll worry about Joey all the time, so I won't be able to focus on work anyway."

"What about getting an at-home nurse?" Off Chandler's look, she rolled her eyes. "A male nurse, then, so it won't turn into a sex marathon and another trip to the emergency room."

"No, I'd still worry, and anyway, I can't afford a nurse if I'm footing this bill."

"Well, did they give you any idea how much all this is gonna cost?"

Chandler nodded and whispered a number in her ear.

"What!" She even startled Phoebe, who was eavesdropping at the door. Monica sighed and pulled Chandler further away from the door. "How can you even pay that, Chandler?"

"I'll make installments, or I'll get a loan at the bank. Don't worry, it's just like that time I cleaned out my savings to refurnish the apartment. Trust me, I'll be financially sound again."

Monica was skeptical, but grudgingly offered, "Maybe I can help pay. I can get some emergency cash together. The others could chip in too."

"Then Joey will feel bad about owing all of us money."

"He won't owe us. It'll be--"

"A gift? Yeah, I tried that with him too. This is the only thing that worked."

"Fine, then it'll be a secret. He doesn't have to know that we're all helping him."

Chandler shrugged. "Can you promise that blabbermouth Phoebe won't spill the beans?"

"Hey, Phoebe was completely right to tell me--!"

Just then, Phoebe came out of the recovery room. "Hey, um, Joey keeps asking us whether you two are okay. He's worried that you're fighting about him. Can you just, um, go in and pretend to be happy with each other, for his sake?"

Chandler returned to the room and rushed back to soothe Joey. "Hey, Joe, it's all right. It really is."

_What a lie!_ Monica just stood there and forced a smile.

"You just relax and get well," Chandler hugged him.


	3. The Fraud

The next day, despite Monica's fervent objections, Chandler applied in Human Resources for health benefits for his "domestic partner." The woman he spoke to was very understanding and nice. Carla completely believed his story.

Chandler said, "We, um, we've been together seven years, but I never signed up before because I'm not out at work and, um, I just never thought we'd need it."

"Right, right," Carla nodded. "We never plan for emergencies like these."

"But now Joey's lost his insurance with the Screen Actors Guild, and this hernia just came up out of the blue. He kept wanting to wait to have the operation, but I just couldn't let him suffer more."

"Of course!" Carla said sympathetically.

"Anyway, I'll understand if it's too late to get any coverage for the operation, but I was wondering if I could get some paid leave so I can help him recover and everything."

"Certainly. I can get those forms right now, and rush them through. Do you still have that letter from the Screen Actors Guild? They might have listed other options for Joey to receive reduced benefits until he qualified for the full ones again."

"Really?"

"Yes, I can check that for you. I know what a hassle it is to understand insurance."

"Thank you!" So Chandler went home for lunch and rummaged around for every insurance document that Joey possessed from the Screen Actors Guild.

When he brought the stuff to her, Carla skimmed it and helpfully worked something out for them. Chandler was happy, and he didn't even care that he had just declared in numerous company documents that he was in a same-sex marriage with Joey.

* * *

At Monica's apartment, Chandler passed on the good news to the gang, but Monica didn't take it well.

"How could you! I should--I should report you to the police or something."

"Said the woman who's been illegally subletting her grandmother's apartment for years."

"That is completely different!"

"Whatever you say," he answered sarcastically. "Just calm down, Monica. It's too late now, and I don't want you upsetting Joey when he comes home."

"Arggh! I can't even look at you now, Chandler. Fine, you don't wanna move in with me? I don't want you here either! I can't believe I almost married you in Vegas!"

"Me neither!" Chandler went back to his apartment and slammed the door.

The chick and the duck were disappointed, still clucking and quacking as if wondering why Joey hadn't come home yet. Chandler smiled and felt that only they understood how much he missed Joey. "Don't worry," he said. "He'll be back soon."

Just then, Ross came in. He tried to make Chandler see that he was disregarding Monica's feelings and being a little nuts.

Chandler stubbornly replied, "Hey, I'm sorry if my best friend means a lot to me! I'm sorry if she can't see why I would want to be there for him when he's been there for me, years before I ever started dating her."

"But Chandler, this is a little extreme, not to mention illegal. I mean, if it were me instead of Joey, would you be doing all this?"

He scoffed. "You have your own insurance, and you stopped being my roommate after college." He pushed Ross out of his apartment. "And you're not Joey!" He slammed the door and locked it.

Ross returned across the hall and shrugged in defeat. Everyone groaned and gave up on reasoning with Chandler for now.

* * *

Chandler came to visit Joey later, with a surprise hidden behind his back. "Joe?"

"I'm in here," Joey answered from the bathroom. He washed his hands and dried them, then came back, wearing a robe over his hospital gown.

"Hey, you're up!" Chandler smiled.

"Yeah. What's that?"

"Oh, something to keep you company." Chandler showed him.

"Hugsy!" Joey smiled and grabbed the penguin doll from him.

Chandler laughed. "I wasn't sure if I should bring him, in case you were embarrassed for the nurses to see you sleeping with him."

Joey chuckled and sat down on the hospital bed. "What about them thinking that I'm sleeping with you?"

Chandler shrugged and came to sit with him. "Point taken. So, how are you feeling now, buddy?"

"Okay," Joey sighed and settled back against the pillows, holding Hugsy close to him. "The food here is awful. I thought I could eat anything, but yuck!"

"Poor Joe. You'll be home soon, and we'll have plenty of good food for you. We all miss you, including the chick and the duck."

"I miss everybody too. Hey, how's everything with you and Monica? You're not--?"

"Oh, don't worry about that. We've had fights before, and we always make up. She'll realize that she can't live without me."

A nurse entered. "Oh, don't stop talking. I'm only here to check the bandage." She was amused when she saw Hugsy. "Cute penguin!"

Chandler got out of the way, and she lifted up Joey's hospital gown in order to remove the bandage and examine the scar underneath it. Joey of course had not worn any underwear, and Chandler quickly looked away. Not that he hadn't seen Joey naked before, but he didn't wish to stare.

The nurse was puzzled by Chandler's reaction, and Joey's embarrassment. "It's okay," she reassured them, "I was told about you guys. You don't have to pretend."

"Uh, well, thank you," Chandler replied awkwardly, still staring at his feet.

"Is this why you two don't wear wedding rings? You've had bad experiences with people's reactions in the past?"

The guys nodded along, and Chandler shrugged. "It's a cruel world."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said as she re-bandaged Joey. "You two make such a cute couple."

"Thank you."

"There you go." She finished up and let Joey pull down his hospital gown again. "That scar should heal nicely, and when we send you home, you won't have to wear a bandage over it. Makes it easier to shower, you know?"

After she left the room, Chandler cleared his throat and stood near Joey's bed. "It, um, it doesn't embarrass you too much, does it?"

"No more than usual," Joey shrugged. They had been mistaken for a couple on several occasions. "It's just a little weird, you know, not correcting her. Normally, I'd take an opportunity like that to hit on her, and she'd be asking you to give us some privacy, if you know what I mean."

Chandler was still amazed by Joey's easy confidence and hyperactive sex life. "I'm sorry. I said this wouldn't affect your reputation with women, but it is. Look, after this whole thing is over, I will personally tell all your dates that this was just a phase, and--and you're all man."

Joey chuckled. "Thank you, but I think I can prove that by myself. By the way, when will this be over? When I head back to work and get my health insurance?"

"Yeah, for you, that should be it. But for me, um, I think it might look suspicious if I suddenly cancel the stuff at my office. I guess I'll have to keep pretending I'm with you for another month or so, and then say that we broke up--or, actually, divorced."

"Oh. I hope Monica won't be mad about that."

"It's not like she ever goes to my office anymore. She hates my boss Doug."

"Oh, the guy who kept slapping your butt?" Joey laughed. "Wait, wait--do your work laugh again!"

Chandler did it, and Joey imitated him. Then he made up a laugh for Hugsy and they cracked up even more. It was nice being able to laugh without the agony of the hernia.


	4. Welcome Home

When the hospital released Joey, Chandler eagerly came to pick him up. He got Joey and Hugsy into a cab and, after stopping at a pharmacy for Joey's medication, Chandler brought them home.

The chick and the duck greeted Joey excitedly, but Chandler stopped Joey from bending over to pet them. "Why don't you sit down first?"

So Joey sat on his leather recliner and pet the birds, while Chandler put Hugsy back into Joey's bedroom. When Chandler returned, Joey asked, "Is Monica still mad?"

"Don't worry about that. She'll cool down. Oh, and these are the forms you need to sign."

"Okay." Joey signed them. "When will the insurance pay you back?"

"Soon. You just get better. You had me so worried, you know?"

That evening, the gang came over and brought enough food for a big dinner. They welcomed Joey back and hung around watching TV and talking. Joey even lifted up his shirt to show them the scar on his abdomen.

Monica still occasionally glared at Chandler in annoyance, but she didn't want to spoil the night by openly fighting.

* * *

The next day, Joey and Chandler played darts (regular, not Hammer), and someone knocked on the door. Chandler answered it and was surprised to see Carol and Susan there, looking furious.

Susan pushed their way into the apartment, and Joey turned around from the dartboard.

"What's going on?" he asked, and Chandler looked confused too.

Carol was spitting mad. "Monica told us what you idiots are doing! It's not only insurance fraud, it's an outrage!"

Susan put her hands on her hips. "Yes, it's so insulting and unfair! People in the gay community have worked long and hard to get any acknowledgment or fair treatment for our relationships. Now you just waltz in and steal it away from us."

"I'm sorry," Chandler said, shooing their pet birds into another room and closing the door. "What was I supposed to do? I didn't want him to collapse somewhere and die."

"We know, we know!" Carol sighed. "We like Joey too. But you should just do what you always do, Chandler. Be his sugar daddy. Shell out the cash and don't expect to be paid back."

"Not with money," Susan chuckled wickedly.

Joey blinked, and Chandler stammered, "S-sugar daddy?" He never thought of himself that way before. He often did pay all of Joey's bills, but not for sex. Choosing to gloss over the snide remark, Chandler cleared his throat and shrugged. "I-I already tried that, Carol. He wouldn't take my money anymore. Right, Joe?"

Joey nodded. "Yeah, I already owe him so much, and now he's moving in with Monica--"

"Not anymore, according to what we heard!" Susan scoffed.

"That's just temporary--" Chandler said.

"Never mind about that!" Carol interrupted. "We're here to talk about your fraud. We're going to report you to your company."

"What? No!"

"Yes! You can't just take advantage of these domestic partner benefits. What about the other deserving people in your company? What about all the people working at companies that aren't gay friendly?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Chandler pleaded. "Can't we work this out somehow?"

"Yeah," Joey agreed. "I'll do some favors for you, or--oh, Susan, you're a photographer, right? You need any new models for a shoot?"

"Please!" she dismissed him.

"How about the chick and the duck for a nature shot?"

Susan grabbed the darts still in Joey's hand and threw them fiercely into the dartboard. "Be glad that I don't dart you guys right now!"

Chandler cringed and said, "Well, what exactly do you want me to do? Just back out now? After all that paperwork, how's it gonna look?"

"We don't care!" Susan shouted. "You should have thought of that before you started this."

Joey looked guilty and whispered to Chandler sadly, "I'm sorry for this whole mess."

"No, Joe!" Chandler shook his head and hugged him. "It's not your fault, it's mine. I was stupid because I was so worried about you, you know? I'm sorry."

Carol and Susan exchanged a glance, then Susan said spitefully, "That's right, boys! Get used to it! In prison you can really be a couple."

Chandler resented that. "Hey, that's not funny! Why punish Joey, anyway? He didn't lose his insurance on purpose, and he's trying to recover from an hernia operation."

"Sure, but no one forced him to go along with your ridiculous fraud! You--!"

"Susan!" Carol restrained her wife and pulled her away to talk. "We agreed not to bring the police into this." She didn't really want to send them to prison, just get Chandler fired or something.

Not hearing Carol and Susan's argumentative whispers, the guys remained a bit freaked out about prison.

Joey asked worriedly, "Who will take care of the chick and the duck?"

"You will!" Chandler answered. "I'll get a good lawyer, and we'll figure out some way to keep you out of this. Like, we'll say you were delirious from pain medication--"

"No, no!" Joey protested. "I won't let you go to prison alone. You know what they'll do to you?" He held Chandler's arms protectively.

Chandler could indeed imagine, but he tried to be brave and optimistic. "It's a first time offense. Maybe I'll get probation--"

The guys kept arguing with each other, and the women watched them with fascination.

Susan whispered, "Are they acting like that on purpose?"

Carol was also puzzled. "I don't think so. Joey's a bad actor, remember? And Chandler--I don't know, he's always been a bit of a question mark."

Susan looked pensive. "Hmm, even if we report them for fraud, and someone investigates, those two might put on a convincing show anyway."

"Then what do we do?"

Susan smiled wickedly. "We'll teach them a lesson!" She told Carol her plan and they laughed hysterically.


	5. The Punishment

Joey and Chandler were still arguing when Carol and Susan returned to speak to them.

"Ahem," Susan got their attention. "We have decided not to report you for fraud."

"Really?" Joey asked.

Chandler smiled. "Oh, thank you! I--"

Susan interrupted. "Wait! You still have to be punished! We're gonna make you walk a mile in our shoes."

"What?" Chandler looked at their feet and joked, "Those pumps will never fit me."

Carol rolled her eyes. "She means that you have to experience how tough it would be if you really were a gay couple. You can't just pretend that you're married on a bunch of forms at work. You have to keep up the pretense everywhere else too. If you're gonna be married, then you have to wear wedding rings, and kiss each other, and not sleep with women. We don't wanna see Joey come near a woman for a month, and the same goes for Chandler. If Monica somehow manages to forgive you in the next month, you still can't go running to her for sex."

"Whoa!" Joey said.

Chandler asked, "Isn't that a little harsh?"

"Is it!" Susan looked threatening again. "You wanna go back to the prison option?"

"No, no, no!" Chandler backed off.

"Good!" Susan continued with the list, "We're gonna have you reading books and watching movies on important gay and lesbian issues. We'll take you out to restaurants where the people will stare at you all night."

Carol nodded. "We'd take you to gay bars too, but we're not sure that fits with the whole you being committed partners thing. Unless you were interested in spicing up your marriage with a little threesome or something." She giggled.

Susan got an idea. "Oh, we can have a party instead! We'll invite some of our friends over here to celebrate your coming out! Yeah, we'll get them to tell you stories about all the discrimination and crap they face every day. A few of them even had to nurse their partners through illnesses, with very little support."

Carol thought the party was a superb idea, and already had ideas for guests.

Joey asked, "Wait, you're not gonna bring my parents in on this month-long torture, are you? They'll be upset, even if we say it's a joke."

Carol shook her head. "No, we won't go that far, Joey. Believe me, I know how parents can be. We're just gonna make a lasting impression on you guys so that you'll never, never be tempted to do stupid stuff like this again."

"Wait!" Chandler said. "Are there any other lines you won't cross? Can we suggest some boundaries?"

Susan folded her arms. "Like what?"

"Well, if we can't have sex, can we watch porn?"

"No!" Susan replied immediately.

"Lesbian porn?" Joey asked.

Susan repeated. "No! God forbid you get any kicks out of this. If you need sex, you're doing it by yourselves, fantasizing about whatever sick things you like." She went over to confiscate their porn from the entertainment center.

Chandler protested, "Hey! Come on, if we were a gay married couple, we'd be having real sex, and enjoying it."

Carol nodded. "Yes, but you wouldn't be watching porn with women in it. Not unless you were bisexual."

"Why can't we be that, then?"

"Because we said so!" Susan responded. "You are in a committed gay marriage, and you have just come out to all your friends, and even the people running the health plan at Chandler's company. So now you are shedding all the traces of your old, closeted lives, including these videos." She turned to her wife. "Where should we dump these? We can't take them home where Ben might see them."

Carol nodded. "Maybe Ross can keep them, just as long as he hides them well."

Susan questioned, "Are you sure that these guys won't be able to plead with Ross to give the porn back?"

"Oh, right. I know, we'll give them to Monica to hide. No one's ever found her Christmas present hiding place in all these years."

Joey looked hopeless, and Chandler groaned. "So, do we not get any say?"

Susan replied, "That's why we have the upper hand in this blackmail! Come on, we're not making you sleep in the same bed or anything. We're not making you have a wedding and register to be domestic partners in the state of New York, like we did."

Carol agreed. "And we're not involving any of your parents, even though Chandler's dad sounds like he'd get a hoot out of this!"

Chandler pouted.

Carol stopped teasing. "All right, all right. We've got to go explain things to Monica and give her these videos to store."

At the door, Susan turned back to look at the guys. "Oh, and boys, go out and buy wedding rings sometime today. If the jewelry store doesn't have a month-long return policy, you can always pawn the rings for cash later. Bye-bye."

Chandler looked at Joey and felt so guilty. "I'm sorry, Joe. I'm so sorry."

Joey went to him and hugged him again. "I know you meant well, Chandler. Maybe I shouldn't have been so stubborn about not accepting the money from you. You know, 'a going away present' before you move in with Monica?"

Chandler nodded and exhaled sadly. Apparently, being considered Joey's "sugar daddy" was better than any other options.


	6. With This Ring

Monica readily agreed to Carol and Susan's punishment scheme, so while they and Rachel went out into the hallway, Monica quickly stored the videos in her secret place--the window seat underneath the big picture window. Then Carol and Susan waved goodbye and left for home, while Monica and Rachel told everybody else in the gang.

Ross and Phoebe laughed hysterically, and Rachel was inspired to punish Ross for his deception too. She decided to lie about Ross when filling out the annulment forms, but she didn't realize that it would lead up to a blowup at the annulment hearing and force them to get a divorce instead.

The gang went to Joey and Chandler's apartment to tease them for a while. To get away from all the jokes, the guys grudgingly went out to buy wedding rings that afternoon. Joey got a bit tired of walking so much, and had to sit down. He was still seated when Chandler reached down to slip a ring onto his finger.

"Does this fit you?"

Joey tried it on and nodded. "Yeah, that works."

"Okay," Chandler said. "I guess I'll get the same ring, but in my size."

Chandler charged the purchases to his credit card, then called Carol and Susan on his cell phone. "Are you happy now?" he grumbled. "I just blew several hundred dollars and embarrassed myself in front of the snooty jewelry store people." He was having flashbacks to the "bracelet buddies" incident almost four years ago.

"We're just getting started, Chandler! Go ahead and start wearing the rings. We'll come by your place to see them tomorrow."

So Joey and Chandler went home wearing the rings on their fingers. The chick and the duck were interested in the new jewelry, but the guys shooed their pets away, to make sure that neither bird would swallow a ring.

Joey looked pensive. "Do you think those jewelry store people were looking at us weird?"

Chandler nodded. "Yeah, that one guy definitely was. This is the 'discrimination and crap' that Carol and Susan were talking about, you know?"

Joey thought back. "Hey, you know the last time I was in a jewelry store, I bought you that 'best bud' bracelet. The engraver guy at that place looked at me weird too."

Chandler was not surprised. "Same thing when I bought you the other bracelet."

"Oh. And then people were giving us weird looks when we wore them together. That's why we stopped wearing them, right?"

"Right." That, and the fact that Chandler couldn't stand the incredibly tacky bracelets in the first place.

Joey pondered for a moment. "If we told Carol and Susan that we already kind of know what they mean, would they maybe go easy on us?"

"I don't know," Chandler shrugged. Then he suggested playing on the Playstation to take their minds off the whole thing, and Joey agreed.

* * *

Phoebe came over later and found them eating dinner. She immediately noticed the wedding rings they wore and giggled. "So you're married now. Kiss the bride!"

Joey blinked. "Which one's the bride?"

"Both of you. No wait, none. Okay, kiss the groom!"

"Phoebe!" Chandler said with exasperation. "It's bad enough that Carol and Susan are doing this to us, with Monica's help. Lay off."

"Sorry, Mr. Can't Take a Joke! Doesn't some teensy tiny part of you think it's a little funny that you and Monica almost got married in Vegas, but now it's you and Joey? I mean, I never predicted this!"

Chandler rolled his eyes. "Because fake marriages aren't your specialty?"

Phoebe ignored him and mused, "Isn't it weird? Ross and Rachel actually did get married in Vegas, but they're annulling it. I once got married in Vegas, but I thought it only counted in Vegas. Then I married Duncan, and he left for six years. But Duncan turned out not to be gay at all, so he basically only needed me for the green card."

Joey rubbed her back comfortingly, but Phoebe wasn't focusing on that old heartache right now.

She sighed. "I mean, with all the crazy messed up marriages and divorces out there, I think that those gay rights people are right. Straight people don't take marriage seriously anymore, and they waste it all the time. Why not give gay couples the right to marry, if they take it seriously and it means so much to them?"

Chandler shrugged. "I'm not against gay marriage. I went to Carol and Susan's wedding. It was nice, despite the fact that no women there would look twice at me."

Phoebe nodded. "Isn't it nice that Carol and Susan have stayed together so long? It'll be their fifth anniversary soon. You want to get together and get them a gift?"

Joey answered, "Okay." After further thought, he added, "Do you think it would make them not so mad at us if we gave them their gift now?"

Phoebe laughed. "No, come on, it's only a month they're asking of you. It could be fun."

"Fun?" Chandler asked. "Where do you see fun in being denied sex, and having to jump through hoops for blackmailers?"

Phoebe rolled her eyes. "Chandler, do you really think that Monica is gonna forgive you in a month and sleep with you again? You decided to fake marry Joey and postpone moving in with her. You're lucky that she says you guys are only taking a break from each other now! Face it, you brought this all on yourself."

Chandler sighed and felt bad. "I guess so. I'm sorry, Joe, for dragging you into this."

Joey patted his hand across the foosball table. "Stop apologizing. At least you got me to have my hernia fixed."

"But I was so stupid! I should have known better. Why did I say that stuff at the coffeehouse?"

"Because you care about me."

"Yeah, but what kind of idiot asks his buddy to fake marry him? Now we've got rings, and--ugh!"

"Chandler!" Joey pulled him closer and kissed his lips, like that time at the New Year's party. Then he let go.

Chandler was stunned, and Phoebe barely stifled her giggles.

Joey said, "Now be a good little husband and stop aggravating me at dinner." He went back to eating his pizza, taking two slices at one time.

Chandler shrugged and shut up. Phoebe burst out laughing and left the apartment. "See, I told you it could be fun." She shut the door behind her.


	7. Love Games

The next day, everyone learned that Ross and Rachel were divorcing instead of annulling.

Monica and Rachel discussed whether men were really worth all the trouble. "Even if they seem nice and sweet, all of the sudden they can act like insensitive jerks!"

"You're telling me," Rachel said. "Ross's crazy jealousy over Mark just came out of nowhere for me, and then he slept with that copy place girl!"

"Have you ever forgiven him for that? You've done some stupid stuff out of jealousy too, like getting Bonnie to shave her head."

"I know, I know! And I tried to ruin his wedding with Emily by telling him I love him, but then he ruined it himself by saying my name at the altar. Plus, um, I was the one who drunkenly suggested that we get married in Vegas."

"Wow! I didn't know that. Boy, you guys are really messed up." Monica looked a bit worried. "You don't think me and Chandler will end up like you, will we? He's not gonna find some girl and cheat on me?"

"No, no! Of course not. All of us, and Carol and Susan, will be watching them like hawks to make sure they don't even flirt with any women for a month. Believe me, Chandler will learn to appreciate you like crazy."

Monica smiled. "He better!" But then she gasped. "Oh, wait! What am _I_ gonna do for a month?"

Rachel thought quickly. "I know! I'll lend you my erotic novels, and um, my vibrator."

Monica laughed and said, "I hope that will be enough, because I really don't want to sneak over there to Chandler and have him think I'm forgiving him, when all I want is to get into his pants."

* * *

Carrying a heavy bookbag with them, Carol and Susan arrived to approve the wedding rings.

"Very nice! Now make sure you don't take these off for the whole month. Besides your four friends, you don't know who else we'll send to check up on you."

Carol said, "Oh, and Monica tells me that you're short on cash lately. Maybe after the month is over, we'll buy the rings from you and keep them as souvenirs."

Susan agreed with a laugh. "Yeah, we'll make a scrapbook and show it to all our friends! 'Ways to torture hetero creeps!'"

Joey objected, "Hey, we're not creeps! We're nice to you guys, and lots of times, people mistake us for a gay couple, and they treat us weird--"

"Oh, no, no!" Susan cut him off. "Don't even start that! Sure, you two may have had a few awkward moments sometimes, but that does not compare to being hassled by strangers, co-workers, people you thought were your friends, and even your family, because you're supposedly abnormal and immoral!"

Chandler came to Joey's rescue. "Yes, yes, we understand that! We have not even begun to suffer! But all Joey was trying to say was, we see where you're coming from, and we're not some Bible-thumping homophobes, okay?"

Susan calmed down, with difficulty.

Carol sighed and nodded diplomatically. "You know, through all the trouble of divorcing Ross, having Ben, and us getting married, it was really great that you guys were nice and supportive; I thought, as Ross's friends, you might gang up to hate our guts and make us feel like scum. But you didn't, and that's why we like you guys, despite everything. I mean, yes, you can understand our world a little bit, but you obviously don't understand it enough, or you wouldn't have done this stupid fraud. That's why we have to punish you. Get it?"

Joey and Chandler nodded and looked dejected. "We get it."

"All right. So, the next thing we want you guys to do is read some books."

Susan got the books out of her bag. They were a handful of thick books on gay and lesbian culture, gay history back to ancient times, and the struggle for gay rights.

Joey groaned and hid behind Chandler. "I can't read those. I-I, um, have to get exercise and move around as much as possible. Tell 'em, Chandler!"

"That's right, that's what the doctor said."

"Those are just Chandler's books," Susan smiled. "These are yours, Joey." She got out a general guide to gays, lesbians, etc., then a few biographies and novels intended for teenagers. The biographies were of famous people in history, while the novels featured gay/lesbian characters, or addressed themes of sexuality and tolerance.

Chandler resented that he should have to wade through dense tomes, while Joey at least would get pictures and maybe interesting stories.

Relieved, Joey felt that he could certainly handle his books, because he after all had read _The Shining_ and _Little Women_. He just wasn't used to reading so many books, though, and most of the time he settled for magazines and called them books.

"We have to read all of these?" Chandler sighed.

"Yes," Carol said. "You have the whole month to read them all. You can read them in any order, or skim them all at once. It doesn't matter. Take notes if you want to, to keep track of them all. It'll be like college, huh?"

Susan said, "At the end of the month, you'll give all the books back to us and we'll ask you random questions about them. Then you'll each tell us in your own words what you learned from the books."

Chandler sighed. "At least I don't have to write a book report with footnotes!"

Susan patted his shoulder. "That's it, Chandler! Look on the bright side."

"You've read all these yourselves?" Chandler asked.

"Yes!" Carol answered. "I teach the sixth grade, remember? I try to include all kinds of books on my reading lists, and Joey's books come from that list, or from lists that weren't approved by the school."

Susan nodded. "And the rest of the books are what Carol and I have read together, for ourselves. They're not as boring as they look, Chandler."

"Enough homework!" Carol said with a laugh. "You guys have to kiss now."

"Kiss?" Chandler asked.

"And no arguments! We know that you guys kissed once at New Year's, because Ross showed us the picture."

"Fine." Chandler went over and kissed Joey on the lips. Now that they'd done this a couple of times, he realized it wasn't that big of a deal.

Carol and Susan were surprised, and they exchanged glances again.

"All--all right," Susan said. "Well, now you guys have to do that on a regular basis. As often as you would with a girlfriend. We'd say a wife, but neither of you have been married yet."

"Okay," Chandler shrugged casually and kissed Joey again.

Joey smiled and realized that Chandler was having fun with them. He kissed Chandler back.

Carol stared at them. "O-kay. Um, you also have to practice more passionate kisses. It can't always just be an innocent peck, because you guys are supposed to be married. Granted, the passion might have died down a bit, depending on how long you've been together, but you need to look like you're still in love."

"Oh." Chandler didn't look so smug anymore.

Finally, a reaction that she expected! Carol said, "Don't worry, you can have the rest of the week to work that out, you know?"

"Um, thank you."

"All right, that's all we planned for today. Happy reading--and kissing." The wives waved goodbye and left.

Joey pulled Chandler close to him. "You wanna practice kissing first?"

Chandler frowned. "N-not yet."

Joey saw that he was making Chandler nervous. "I'm sorry. It's just, I wanted to put off reading. Besides, I _know_ how to kiss, and I've kissed guys before."

"You have?" Chandler looked confused.

"Yeah, when I auditioned for gay parts. And remember, you told me that girl I dated with an Adam's apple wasn't really a girl."

"Oh, right."

"But if you want to just read--"

"No, wait. I guess, um, you could kiss me once now. We can practice more the rest of the week, you know?"

Joey agreed and leaned in for a kiss, but Chandler flinched. "Close your eyes," Joey told him, "and pretend I'm Monica." Chandler did so, and Joey slowly approached again. Then he kissed Chandler and didn't let him break away this time. The kiss was awkward at first, but Joey took firm control, and made it better. Almost like a regular, non-gay kiss.

Afterward, Chandler breathlessly stepped away and swallowed. "Well, um, better--better read now."


	8. Indoors and Out

Sprawled on each of their leather recliners, Joey and Chandler read their respective books.

Chandler skipped around haphazardly among his books, trying to find interesting parts. The books had indexes in the back, so he was able to look up names and places that he wanted to read about. He had to admit, some of the books were enjoyable, and he liked exploring the various bookmarks and dog-eared pages that Carol and Susan had left in each book. They might be clues to the questions they would ask him at the end of the month.

Joey went through one book at a time, and kept bothering Chandler when he came across a difficult word.

Chandler asked, "Didn't I give you the dictionary?"

"Yeah, but sometimes you explain things clearer than the dictionary."

"All right." So Chandler helped him, and was amazed that Joey had covered a few chapters already. Carol had chosen the books well.

Finally they took a break from reading to play with their pets and throw around a ball. Then they had lunch and went downstairs to the coffeehouse.

The gang were already there, and made room on the couch. "How are the newlyweds today?" Phoebe laughed.

Chandler rolled his eyes and glanced at Monica, who ignored him and talked to Rachel.

Ross smiled. "Wow, you actually got rings! Where are you going for your honeymoon?" he teased.

Chandler struck back. "I don't know. Same place as Dr. and Mrs. Geller, I guess."

Chastened, Ross sat back and sulked about his three failed marriages.

Phoebe remained mischievous. "So, um, any hanky-panky take place yet?"

Joey answered, "No. Hopefully, Carol and Susan are not gonna make us do anything like that."

Chandler frowned. "Of course not! I mean, they wouldn't ask that, would they? A little kissing I can do, but sex--" He shuddered and made one of his Chandler noises.

"Hey!" Phoebe protested. "You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!"

Joey also looked offended. "What, am I not good enough for you, Chandler? Is that what you're saying?"

"No! I just--" He leaned closer to Joey and reminded him, "I'm just not gay, remember?" It was strange to find himself whispering that part.

"I know! It's just, well..." Joey whispered back, "I always thought that if you were gay, you'd want me."

There was dead silence among the six friends.

Chandler blushed and stammered, "W-well, if I were gay, then sure. You're a hot guy, Joey. I'm--I'm the luckiest pretend gay husband in New York."

Joey smiled and kissed Chandler lightly again. Their other friends giggled and teased them even more.

Gunther saw all this from the counter, but he had also witnessed the other scene when Chandler openly talked about pretending to be married to Joey. Seeing the guys sit close together, and whisper, and kiss, made Gunther question whether this was an actual insurance fraud or not. It was none of his business, anyway, and he was more interested in the fact that Rachel was talking to Monica about getting a divorce from Ross. Soon Rachel would be single again. Now, if only she would look at Gunther the way that Joey and Chandler looked at each other.

* * *

Leaving the coffeehouse, Joey and Chandler went for a walk, and Chandler asked Joey, "Do you, do you often think about me being gay?"

"Of course. I mean, you're my roommate, and you have that 'quality' that makes everybody think that you're gay. I know that you sleep with girls, but I thought you might be closeted, like when your dad was married to your mom, or Carol was married to Ross."

"When did you realize I was straight, then?"

Joey shrugged. "I guess after you slept with Monica."

"What! It took me that long to convince you?"

"It's just, I thought maybe you didn't come onto me because of our friendship, but then I saw you were willing to sleep with Monica despite friendship, so I figured, you definitely had to be straight."

"Because I would have come onto you otherwise?"

Joey nodded. He was starting to tire of the walk, though, and sat down on the some steps outside a building.

Chandler sat with him. "You're all right?"

"Yeah. I was hoping I'd be ready to go back to work soon, but I guess I gotta give it a little more time."

"Don't rush yourself. Like the doctor said, it might be a month before you're back to normal."

"I know, but I'm not gonna be lifting weights or anything at my auditions. I'm an actor, not a furniture mover or whatever."

"Yeah, but give it a week at least. Just relax for a while."

"Okay."

They sat there, watching people pass by. When Joey still didn't feel up to walking all the way back, Chandler hailed a cab for them, and they went home.

* * *

They returned to reading for a while, then watched TV and played more games. It was weird being all alone together, while all their other friends were at work. Then Chandler got the idea to go to Monica's apartment and search for the porn.

With their birds tagging along, the guys searched the living room and bedrooms, finding nothing but lacy underwear. Joey wanted to keep a few souvenirs, but Chandler made him put the underwear back. "They'll know we were here if we keep stuff."

The guys even searched the kitchen and bathroom, still coming up empty.

"Hey, do you think she put the porn in this closet?" Chandler tried the door at the end of the hall. "It's locked. It must be in here."

"Well, how do we open it?" Joey asked. "I don't think I can break it down like I did with the front door." (After agreeing to let Chandler move in with her, Monica had locked her front door so that Chandler could christen the key to the apartment. However, the key broke in the lock, and Joey had to come to the rescue.)

"No, no, definitely don't do that, Joe. Oh, I know!" Chandler returned to the kitchen and rummaged around in the same place that Monica kept the key to the apartment. "Damn, there's lots of keys. I don't know which one it is."

"Let's try them all."

Chandler shrugged. "Yeah, I guess we have time." They returned to the locked closet and tried the keys one by one. One key finally fit into the lock, but it got stuck and broke off. "Damn it! Now she'll know that we tried to open the door."

"Well, she's mad at you about lots of stuff lately, so I'm guessing one broken key won't matter much."

Chandler sighed in defeat and put the rest of the keys back. "Let's go. I think we should lock our door and hide."

Joey and Chandler returned to reading, until they were tired enough to fall asleep in their leather recliners. They woke up later to have dinner and play with their pets, but otherwise their night was uneventful until they went to bed.

"Goodnight," Joey said and kissed Chandler's lips again. Then he went into his bedroom to sleep.

Chandler went to his own bed too. But that night he dreamed about having sex with Joey and woke up suddenly, his heart racing and his body aroused. He told himself it didn't mean anything, though, and rolled over to return to sleep.


	9. Behind Closed Doors

Monica and Rachel noticed something amiss when they came home. "Why does it smell like birds in here? Ugh! It's bad enough that they still have those pets, but they let them wander around in here too?"

Rachel shrugged. "Maybe they came to eat our food again, and the birds followed them."

As Monica prepared to clean and get rid of the smell, she noticed that certain things were out of place. "Rachel, did you move my disinfectants under the sink?"

"No, I swear!" She never cleaned, and so never went under the sink.

Monica peered around the apartment and noticed many things out of place. "Oh my God! It's like a tornado hit." Horrified, she scurried to clean and straighten everything.

Rachel watched her frenzied activity and realized that things must really be bad. "It must have been the guys when they came over. They're such slobs."

"Yeah, but what are they doing all around the apartment like this?" She opened the door of her bedroom and gasped. "And my room too!"

Worried now, Rachel got up and checked her bedroom. "Oh my God! It's here too. What were the perverts doing in our rooms?"

Monica came to Rachel's bedroom to survey the damage. The boxes that Rachel had packed to move in with Ross were opened and rummaged through. "You still haven't unpacked?"

_Just like Monica to complain about that._ Rachel turned to Monica. "Hey, I didn't unpack yet because I didn't know if you were going to let Chandler move in next month or not. I might still have to leave!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Monica hugged her close. "You're right. Everything's been up in the air. After this, I don't know if I want him moving in, ever! I'll give it another month. If somehow he grovels enough for my forgiveness, I will give you plenty of notice, okay?"

"Okay," Rachel said.

"Now, um, I guess we have to figure out what Joey and Chandler were doing over here."

"Yeah," Rachel said and folded her arms pensively. "When did they turn into such perverts? I mean, it was one thing when they had the free porn on the TV all the time--"

"Porn!" Monica realized. "They were searching for the porn that Carol and Susan gave me to hide."

Rachel gasped. "Oh, of course! Do you think they found it?"

"I'll go check--" But then Monica stopped in her tracks, realizing that she shouldn't reveal her hiding place to Rachel. "Nice try, Rach."

"What?" She feigned innocence. "I am just concerned that Joey and Chandler might be over there breaking Carol and Susan's no-porn rule."

Monica knew her too well. "No, you just want to know where my hiding place is! I'm not gonna fall for that. I'm just gonna get back to my cleaning."

"Fine! I'll get back to mine."

Monica exited and continued restoring the living room to the pristine, freakishly neat state that she liked, while Rachel pretended to clean her own room. But she kept her door open and kept peering at Monica.

Monica also kept peering back at Rachel, waiting for a moment to sneak over to her hiding place and check it.

In the battle of wills, Rachel finally broke. "Oh, come on, Monica! Why can't I know where you hide the Christmas presents?"

"Because I don't want to spoil the surprise for you or anybody else at Christmas."

"I don't care! Surprises don't matter to me because I always return gifts. Please let me see your hiding place! I won't tell anybody else."

"Yeah right! You gossip all the time. You'd never keep it to yourself."

"Hey!" Rachel looked offended. "W-well I kept you and Chandler a secret before Phoebe saw you guys doing it. And besides, we're best friends, and we shouldn't have secrets from each other."

Monica sighed and gave in. "All right, all right, but this is only because we're best friends--and I'm gonna move to a new hiding place starting this year." She led Rachel into the living room and over to the big picture window. Then she removed the cushions from the window seat and raised the lid. The stash of porn was intact. "Ha, they didn't find it!"

Rachel was impressed. "I never knew this was hollow! You are so sneaky, Monica!"

"I know!" She put the lid down and sat on it.

Rachel joined her. "So where's your new hiding place gonna be?"

Monica refused to divulge that information. She figured that at Christmas-time, she would empty out some stuff from her locked closet and put it under the window seat. Then, there would be room for presents inside the locked closet.

"Please, Monica!"

Monica stubbornly folded her arms and shook her head.

"Oh!" Rachel turned away frustrated, but suddenly she turned back and started tickling Monica.

"Hey, what--? Noooo!"

Rachel tackled Monica and tickled her all over. "Tell me, tell me where you're gonna hide the presents!"

"No, no!" She had difficulty speaking through her laughter. She managed to roll off the window seat onto the floor, but Rachel pounced on her and still tickled.

"Come on, Mon! This is payback for when you guys tackled me and put the eye drops in."

"We--we were helping you!"

"I don't care, it freaked me out!"

Monica tried poking Rachel's eye, but Rachel kept her hands away. So Monica moved to poke her own eye, and Rachel flinched. She finally let go with a shudder and got off Monica. "I hate eye poking. I hate it!"

Monica recovered her breath and got up from the floor. "Sorry, Rachel. Come on, let me keep this one secret, and I'll tell you another secret."

"What secret?" Rachel turned around.

Monica smiled and pointed to the closet at the end of the hallway. "I keep that locked for a reason."

"Really?" Rachel looked intrigued.

"Yep. I'll show you what's inside." Monica went to get the key to unlock the door. By letting Rachel know that the closet contained a big mess, Monica could hopefully misdirect Rachel and keep her from thinking that the closet would now become the new hiding place.

Rachel waited impatiently. "Come on, come on! Where's the key?"

Monica picked up the broken half of the key. "This is it. Damn it, Chandler got to it already." She and Rachel went over to the locked closet and inspected the lock. "Broken! Does Chandler just not know how to use keys?"

Rachel was disappointed. "But you were gonna show me inside!"

"I know. Well, we'll have to call a locksmith first, then I'll show you inside. Okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

The next day, Joey and Chandler breakfasted, then settled down to read again. Joey proudly finished his first book, and turned to show Chandler. "Look!"

Chandler stopped his note-taking and smiled. "Hey! That's great. You'll be done long before the month is over. Maybe you want to space the books out, so you won't forget everything by the end of the month."

"Okay. Let's take a break now."

Chandler put down his book and notepad. "Okay, you wanna play some foosball?"

"Maybe later. How about we practice kissing?"

"What?"

"Sure, we've got a week to be kissing like a married couple, and we only did it once yesterday."

Chandler reluctantly agreed with a frown. "All right."

Joey led Chandler over to the yellow couch and pulled him close in his arms. Chandler still felt weird about kissing Joey this way, so he closed his eyes and tried not to flinch.

"Relax," Joey said. "We'll start out slow." He began with light, unthreatening kisses on Chandler's lips and cheeks, then gradually escalated the passion, urging Chandler to open his mouth, which he eventually did.

Chandler kissed back hesitantly, and pictured Monica as much as he could, but it was difficult because Joey tasted and felt so different from her. He also kept remembering his sex dream, much to his dismay.

After making out for a while, Joey stopped the kisses and let go of Chandler. "All right, um, you wanna play foosball?"

Chandler nodded and opened his eyes. "Yeah, um," he cleared his throat, "can you give me a minute, first?"

"Okay." Joey looked puzzled.

Chandler went into his room to compose himself. In front of his mirror he kept saying, "It was just a dream, it was just a dream! We are just kissing, and we are not gonna have sex. You only think that you want him because of this--this crazy situation."

At last, he felt better and joined Joey in the living room. They played foosball again, just like ordinary best friends.


	10. Crossing the Line

Carol and Susan had plenty of tasks for Joey and Chandler to perform, many of which involved being in a public place and enduring homophobic reactions from people. Other tasks could be done at home, such as reading the books or watching important gay/lesbian movies. Because Carol and Susan didn't have time to personally come visit every day, they carefully alternated the public tasks, which they wanted to be there for, with the private tasks that the guys could perform with the supervision of Monica and the rest.

"You have to hold hands now," Carol would say over the phone one day. "Whenever you walk together. Or else you have to link your arms."

"You have to take Ben to the zoo," Susan would say another day. "We'll walk at a distance behind you guys, but you two have to act like Ben is your son. We'll explain to Ben that it's just pretend, like when he was going to act in the soup commercial, and he'll call you his daddies."

Joey shrugged. "Okay, it'll be like babysitting. We've done that before."

"I'll say!" Carol rolled her eyes. "You left our baby on the bus. That's why we're not gonna let you out of our sights."

Susan nodded. "And no trying to pick up women with Ben. You are gay! Gay and married. Understand?"

They nodded.

It was a pretty fun day at the zoo. Joey enjoyed seeing the animals almost as much as Ben did, and Chandler often laughed at their cuteness. However, there were some unpleasant moments, such as other families who stared and pointed when they held hands with each other, not just with Ben. Then there was an offensive person who said, "How dare you raise a poor innocent child in your sick lifestyle!"

Carol rushed over furiously, introduced herself as Ben's birthmother, and got into a shouting match about who gets to decide what's best for her child.

Susan quickly shooed Joey, Chandler, and Ben away to the reptile house, so they never found out how the confrontation ended. It was clearly something that Carol and Susan didn't want to talk about when they rejoined the group.

* * *

At the end of the first week, Joey met with Estelle and got a few auditions so that he could slowly get back into work. Chandler accompanied him the whole day, to make sure that Joey didn't overdo anything. As long as he took public transportation instead of walking a lot, and as long as he avoided any roles that required heavy lifting, Joey did fine. So Chandler stopped worrying so much and agreed that Joey could continue having a few auditions every day, but shouldn't increase the load for another week.

Afterward, Carol and Susan were miffed that they weren't told about this excursion ahead of time. "Did anybody react to you being married?"

Chandler shrugged. "Well, sometimes people didn't notice the rings. Sometimes they assumed we were friends, married to women, so we didn't say anything. Other times they asked us if we were gay, and then we said yes."

Susan tsked disapprovingly. "Well, now you see some of the difficult choices that have to be made just to get by. I can understand you not being out at Joey's auditions, since it's not one steady job, and there's no time to get comfortable with a boss and co-workers. Still, it's something you'd have to confront as a couple if Joey ever became famous or got a regular TV role again."

Carol nodded. "Yeah, how long could he keep a secret like this from the tabloids? Would staying closeted help Joey's career? Would it keep him from being typecast in only gay roles?"

"Who knows?" Susan shrugged and changed the subject. "All right, you guys, did you remember your homework? Have you been kissing?"

"Yeah," Joey answered, while Chandler blushed.

Carol smiled. "Well, kiss each other and convince us that you mean it."

Joey moved closer and kissed Chandler softly at first. Chandler had learned to respond to him faster by now, and they truly seemed to have the hang of it. After a decent amount of spit swapping, they ended it and turned to Carol and Susan for approval.

"My, my!" Susan laughed. "9 out of 10!"

"What's a 10?" Joey asked. He didn't like having his kissing skills called into question.

Carol smiled at his wounded pride. "A 10 would be you guys actually being gay and wanting to kiss each other on your own, without us telling you to."

Susan agreed. "You've done very well on this assignment. From now on, mix up your kissing and handholding and smiling at each other as much as you can. Whatever's appropriate to the time and place. Our spies tell us that you sometimes lack spontaneity."

"Who?" Joey asked.

"We can't tell you who we've got watching you guys, and where. Isn't it enough that you know all about your friends watching you?"

Carol said, "Anyway, that's all for tonight, boys. More time to finish your books, if you need to. Bye."

* * *

After Carol and Susan left, Joey and Chandler changed their clothes, then went to play some basketball with Ross. Phoebe came to watch, and no one knew where Monica and Rachel were tonight.

On the basketball court, Chandler would fill in whenever Joey rested on the bench, but he was a pretty embarrassing substitute. Phoebe sat next to Joey and laughed, "I bet I would play better than Chandler."

Joey shrugged. "He's just a little clumsy." That was an understatement. Chandler was known as a dropper, and not just with balls.

Phoebe noticed the way that Joey kept watching Chandler. "You thinking about kissing him some more?"

Joey couldn't come back with anything funny. "Homework," he said bitterly.

* * *

That night, Joey and Chandler came home, took turns in the shower, then stretched out on their recliners to watch a little TV before bed. Suddenly, Joey reached over and kissed Chandler's mouth.

"Wh-what are you doing?"

"Being spontaneous."

"Oh. But we're alone here. Nobody's watching."

"I know. But it's practice for when we're in public."

Chandler shrugged and let Joey make out with him for a while. Finally they stopped and went to bed.

* * *

A few nights later, Joey ended another reading session by kissing Chandler again. Chandler went along, but then felt Joey climbing onto the recliner with him.

"Joe?" He was becoming worried.

"Please," Joey sighed, chewing on Chandler's ear and embracing him warmly.

"What?" He tried to make Joey face him, then received another deep kiss.

Joey was achingly passionate, running his fingers through Chandler's hair and pressing his body close. "God, Chandler," Joey unbuttoned his shirt and kissed down his throat. "No flirting, no sex, no porn. Don't you want me too?"

"Joe, we--we aren't gay. This is just pretend."

"I won't hurt you," Joey promised. "We can just jerk off--"

He shook his head. "You can do that in your room, with any fantasy you want."

Joey pleaded, "I need somebody moaning with me, kissing me--" He felt a bulge in Chandler's pants. "See? You want me too."

Chandler explained, "I'm--I'm just missing Monica, that's all."

"Then I'll help you," Joey kissed him again and groped him.

He moaned but firmly pushed Joey off him and said, "No!"

Joey reluctantly returned to his own recliner and looked ashamed. "I'm sorry."

Chandler shrugged and caught his breath. "I-I know what you're going through. Well, I haven't had all the girls you have, but at least I had Monica." He sighed wistfully. "She's the best sex I've ever had."

"Yeah?" Joey whispered and tried picturing it. "What's that like?" He had asked the question of Chandler before, during a ride-along with Gary the cop, and Chandler had only glared angrily.

Tonight, however, Chandler turned and stared at him. Joey still looked desperate for sex, and clearly didn't want to return to his room alone. "I'll... I'll tell you." Normally he wouldn't violate Monica's privacy like this, but this was a highly unusual situation.

Amazed, Joey looked hopeful and aroused. He closed his eyes and leaned back in his recliner. "What's it feel like, inside her?"

"It's so good. She--" He bit his lip and couldn't bring himself to say more. Swallowing, Chandler sat up and said, "Not out here. In my room, okay?"

Joey opened his eyes in surprise, but quickly followed after Chandler. When they got on the bed, Chandler clarified, "We won't touch, but just, you know, talk."

Joey nodded. "Wait, one kiss first?"

Chandler agreed and kissed him again, getting them fired up and hot. Then they separated and got naked, turning out the lights as they did so. They lay a safe distance from each other on the bed, and Chandler told him intimate details in the darkness. Joey hissed with desire and even called him "baby" like he often called women when he couldn't remember their names. It was an odd, disconnected way of having sex. After they jerked off, they felt relieved of so much tension.

Then Joey kissed Chandler once more. "You wanna hear about any of my girls?"

Chandler shrugged.

Joey offered, "Remember Kathy? What if we had dated her at the same time?"

"A threesome?" Chandler looked interested, so Joey described that fantasy to him, and they had sex again.


	11. Rewriting History

The morning after, Chandler changed the sheets and knew that he should feel guilty about what he and Joey had done. Technically, they had not touched each other, besides the kisses, but Chandler knew better than to think that he hadn't cheated. But he was on a break from Monica, right? It wasn't three hours later, like with Ross, but nearly two weeks later, and with a lot of provocation from the fake marriage. Still, Chandler had violated Monica's privacy and had, in effect, shared her with Joey. Why did he keep doing stuff guaranteed to make her angry lately?

At breakfast, Joey felt awful. "I'm sorry about last night. I crossed the line--"

"No, don't apologize," Chandler interrupted. "It was just this fake marriage stuff, you know? I wanted it too."

Joey nodded and remembered how Chandler had moaned next to him. When they did the threesome fantasy, Chandler even spoke Joey's name a few times, instead of Kathy's, so Joey answered with both "Chandler" and "oh, baby."

Chandler stared into his cereal bowl, then finally spoke again. "Joey, don't tell Monica about last night, okay? I'm still trying to make up with her, and besides, it was just a fluke. It was one night."

Joey shrugged. "Okay, but if she somehow finds out, tell her that I came onto you."

Chandler pressed Joey's hand and kissed his cheek. Joey was so sweet and selfless sometimes.

Looking into Chandler's eyes, Joey kissed him softly, then took one of the novels with him as he left for his auditions.

Chandler stayed at home and read his books. He thought about whether he should also return to work now. Normally, he would be glad to avoid the office, because his job was dreadfully boring, but being home without Joey wasn't much fun, with only the birds for company.

So Chandler decided to go back to work tomorrow. After all, wearing the wedding ring at his office would be advantageous to the insurance fraud, and he was pretty much done with his books.

* * *

Susan phoned the guys that evening. "You have to make up the story of how and when you two first became lovers. Someone will ask you about it at your coming out party."

Ah, the coming out party. This was apparently a major event that required many smaller events to build up to it, and it would take place during the third week.

Susan continued, "We're telling our friends that you've only just come out, after years of pretending to be just roommates. So make up how you fell in love and kept it secret, then make sure you agree on the details. When Carol and I come to see you next, we'll take you out to a restaurant and hear your story over dinner. We'll suggest changes if it's not convincing enough."

For simplicity's sake, Joey and Chandler decided to claim that they had slept together in London, instead of Monica and Chandler. Now they just needed to get the details straight.

Joey asked, "So all that fighting we were doing in London led to some hot make-up sex?"

Chandler shrugged. "Well, with me and Monica, it happened because we were comforting each other. She was depressed about some drunk guy mistaking her for Ross's mom, and I was feeling lonely because you were off with the bridesmaid."

"What?" Joey blinked. "You were lonely because of me?"

Realizing what he'd said, Chandler blushed. "No, um, I-I don't mean I was jealous. Of course not. I just, um, I thought you and me would go to some bars and pick up chicks together. I mean, I brought all those condoms to London."

"Oh."

"Anyway, let's just use the story of how you hooked up with the bridesmaid. Okay, um, you were flirting with her at the rehearsal dinner, and later you went off with her and a bucket of strawberries, right?"

"Yeah, we got into a bubble bath and she fed me strawberries."

"Wow!" Joey's way with women never ceased to amaze Chandler. Then again, weddings tended to make women--especially bridesmaids--emotionally vulnerable, as Chandler had learned when Monica came to him that night.

Chandler cleared his throat. "All right, so how do we make that story sound like something you and me would do? Would I be feeding you strawberries?" He looked skeptical.

Joey pondered it, then slowly pieced together a story. "Well, you and me were fighting all over London, right up to the rehearsal dinner. Then I made my toast about being homesick for New York, and the bridesmaid flirted with me, and you got jealous. I ditched her so that we could make up, and you admitted that you wanted me. Then we went back to our hotel room, and started making out, and getting naked... And we made jokes about all the condoms you brought, and all the fights, and you told me stuff that you saw your dad doing to the houseboy."

Chandler raised his eyebrows and thought about those old, embarrassing memories in a whole new light.

"So we did stuff all night and messed up the beds pretty bad. Then you wanted to get up and shower. I said 'Let's take a bath,' and filled up the tub for us. You didn't think we could fit, but I did, and we got in real close. It was wet and hot, and you tasted so good when I licked--"

Chandler gulped and stopped him by putting a hand over his mouth. "We--we just need a story," he warned, "not a fantasy."

Joey looked away with a guilty frown. He could picture everything in vivid detail.

Chandler thought for a moment, then asked, "And when did we get married? Was it in Vegas? Were we making up for our fight about your big break?"

Joey nodded.

"And, um, we played around with your gladiator costume, and--" He stopped himself and exhaled. "Joey, you wanna make out for a while?"

Joey immediately came over to his recliner, and they kissed with frantic passion, until Phoebe walked in on them, and they broke it off.

"Whoa!" she smiled. "Carol and Susan said you were convincing, but I had no idea."

Joey sat back from Chandler, but didn't stand up yet, as he was hiding an erection. "We just--we're practicing."

Phoebe nodded obliviously. "You know what? This could be good for your career, Joey. Yeah, if you audition for another gay kissing part, you'll definitely get it this time." She giggled. "Even I was turned on a little."

Joey and Chandler laughed nervously.

Phoebe said, "Anyway, the gang's wondering why you guys don't hang out with us more. Carol and Susan aren't giving you that much work, are they?"

Chandler replied, "No, um, we should probably go out. How about dinner tonight?"

"Sure. We're meeting at the coffeehouse at seven. See you there." She waved goodbye and left them alone again.

After an awkward silence, Joey cleared his throat and tried to be casual. "So, um, you wanna go play foosball or something?"

Chandler thought about it, but shook his head. "Can you, can you go lock the door, Joe?"

Joey got up and locked the front door, then Chandler welcomed him back to the recliner, where they made out again.

Chandler knew that they should be feeling bad about Monica right now, but he couldn't focus on her. He wanted so much to give in and do everything in Joey's vivid fantasies. Not just to talk and imagine, but to touch and be touched in return.

His erection needing some attention, Joey finally stopped the ardent kisses and told Chandler breathlessly, "I'll--I'll go to my room. You don't have to join me."

He rushed away and left Chandler there, undecided.

The quacking of the duck brought Chandler back to reality. He decided not to join Joey after all, and just retired to his own room. There was no excuse for him to lose his self-control yet again, and he had to figure out how to make it through the rest of this month.

Later, while they got ready for dinner, Joey asked Chandler, "Do you think maybe we should tell Carol and Susan what happened last night?"

Chandler hesitated, and then shook his head. "No, um, I want to tell Monica first, if anybody. I think we can control ourselves, Joe, as long as we stop making out when we're alone. Just, just save it for in public, you know, where we definitely can't get carried away."

"Okay."


	12. Tears and Sympathy

At the restaurant, Joey and Chandler felt incredibly guilty when hanging out with Monica and their friends. Fortunately, Monica suspected nothing, and she spent a lot of time with Rachel at the bar.

While waiting for their meals to arrive, Ross and Phoebe caught the guys up on what had been happening lately.

"Phoebe and the others were babysitting the triplets for Frank and Alice. I was trying to drive my new sports car, but I got stuck in the parking spot."

Phoebe spoke proudly, "I took care of the triplets all by myself!"

"Why, where did Monica and Rachel go?"

"Rachel got something in her eye, and started freaking out. Monica took her to the hospital. But I did it! I did it, all by myself."

They congratulated her and offered to buy her a drink.

Phoebe cheerfully accepted and continued rambling, "I'm a great aunt! Those babies love me better than Alice's sister, I bet. Oh, I wanna see them all the time. I wanna just hug them, and hold them, and--" Phoebe suddenly burst into tears. "I wish I had a baby!"

"Pheebs!" Ross hugged her, and the other guys looked shocked.

"I'm sorry," she tried to calm down. "It's just, I realized that it's been over a year since I had the triplets for Frank and Alice. I thought by now that I'd have a baby of my own, you know, or at least somebody I wanted to have a baby with."

"Hey, it's not your fault that your last boyfriend shot a bird!"

The guys did their best to console her, but she kept crying, and Monica and Rachel came back to the table.

"We saw from the bar. What's wrong?"

They explained.

"Oh, honey!"

The gang gave Phoebe a group hug and murmured various words of comfort. Eventually Phoebe stopped crying, but remained miserable.

* * *

After dinner, Monica and Rachel took Phoebe home with them so that she wouldn't be alone tonight. (Phoebe had already confessed to the gang that she had no roommate Denise; she had lied because she still liked having "naked alone time", and didn't want Rachel to move in and spoil it.)

Rachel got out the good ice cream, while Monica consoled Phoebe on the couch.

"You don't even need a man to have a baby, Pheebs! You can get a sperm donor, like I was going to. Believe me, I wish that I had gone through with it, and I still might do it now, considering how rotten Chandler turned out to be!"

Rachel nodded as she handed out the spoons. "Yep! I mean, if all the men in the world are going to turn out to be like Ross, or Chandler, or Joey--"

"Hey!" Phoebe still defended him. "You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!"

They frowned at her. "Phoebe, do you have a crush on him or something?"

She shrugged. "Maybe a little. I mean, I know he's really slutty, but he's one of my backups, so I try to think about all the good, sweet things about him."

Monica was confused. "Wait, _one_ of your backups?"

"Well, we made a pact, that if we're still single when we're forty--"

"Yeah, yeah!" Rachel moved her along. "But you have _other_ backups too?"

Phoebe confessed hesitantly, "Well, I asked Ross once, and Chandler."

"What?" Rachel laughed. "Boy, you really can pick 'em, Phoebe!"

She deeply resented that.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Rachel stifled her laughter. "No, I just mean, that all three of us keep choosing really bad guys. Whether it's our friends, or some jerk in our building, or some wacko off the street..."

Monica nodded. "Yeah, I think we need to hold another boyfriend bonfire. What d'you say, Phoebe? Let me get a bucket and matches."

Rachel nodded. "And remember, no alcohol into the fire!"

While Monica and Rachel bustled around getting stuff, Phoebe put down the ice cream and got up. She'd had enough of this. No one was really listening to her.

"Pheebs, where are you going?" Rachel saw her getting her purse and going to the door.

"I'm going home. I need to be by myself."

"No, honey, we want you to stay here!"

Rachel nodded. "Yeah, and besides, you shouldn't be out walking by yourself at this time of night."

Phoebe shrugged. "I'll ask Ross to drive me home, then."

"But--"

She just left and slammed the door.

Rachel looked at Monica and whispered worriedly, "You, um, you don't think she knew about us?"

"I don't know. Maybe all that man-bashing did it. I mean, there's a point where I'm-sick-of-guys becomes I-just-want-a-girlfriend."

With a sigh, Rachel picked up the phone and dialed. "Hi, Ross? Phoebe's on her way over. She might want you to drive her home or something, but she's still so upset that we don't think you should leave her alone there. Yeah, just have her stay at your place. Okay, thanks."

Monica and Rachel put away the ice cream and other stuff, then drew the curtains over the big window. They retired to Rachel's bedroom.

* * *

When Phoebe arrived at his apartment, Ross hugged her sympathetically and said, "Rachel just called. Come in."

Phoebe did, and sat on the couch, asking Ross to close the curtains on the window.

"Sure," he said.

When he turned back from the window, she asked, "Can I stay the night, Ross?"

He blinked at her, surprised. "Sure, Pheebs. I have an extra bedroom and everything." Ross sat next to her on the couch. "Huh, that's weird. Rachel said that you were gonna ask me to drive you home."

She shrugged. "No, I changed my mind about that."

"Good for you. I'll take care of you, Phoebe. I might not be a woman, but you can still cry on my shoulder."

"I don't want to cry anymore."

"Okay, whatever you want. You wanna turn on some TV as a distraction, or--?"

She suddenly pounced on him and kissed him.

"Wh-wh--?"

She pushed him flat on the couch. "I want a baby, Ross."

"What? No!" He dodged her kisses but couldn't push her body off of him. Ross thought his karate moves would help, but she kept him pinned down. Living on the street had really made her tough.

"Please, Ross. We almost slept together when Carol told you she was a lesbian. Let's really do it this time."

"No! There's a reason why we didn't do it that time--besides the pool table. We're--we're better off as friends."

"If you think that, then why did you agree to be my backup husband?"

"In case Rachel--"

"Ugh, Rachel!" She rolled her eyes. "Fine, I know you're still in love with her and this whole divorce thing was disappointing, but you're not with her now. Don't sit around moping about it. Just do me this favor, as my friend."

"Phoebe, this is more than a favor! You're asking me for a child, a life-changing commitment. What if you change your mind later?"

"I won't! I'm serious about this, and I'm not drunk. Besides, it'll be your baby too, so you can be involved and make sure everything's fine."

Ross considered that, but shook his head. "No, Phoebe! Come on, just go sleep on it tonight, and if you're still serious in the morning, we can talk about artificial insemination maybe."

"No, I wanna try it this way first. Besides a baby, I want a good, hard--"

"Phoebe!" he was deeply shocked.

She teased him. "Come on, Ross, when was your last date? That pizza girl Caitlin?"

"I'm--I'm not gonna sleep with you just because it's been a while. I mean, it would make things awkward with Rachel--"

"Does everything have to be about Rachel? You guys have been broken up for a long time. Not to mention your recent divorce! I mean, I told Rachel that you were my backup, and she just laughed."

Ross looked hurt. "She did?"

Phoebe bit her lip and caressed him comfortingly. "Well, um, she and Monica are in a general man-hating mood right now. She could get over it."

That didn't really cheer Ross up, so Phoebe added softly, "You can pretend I'm Rachel if you want, or Carol."

"Carol," he sighed and looked sad at the memory. "You know, that last night, she took pity on me because of our divorce and everything. Then she ended up pregnant with Ben. That's what you want from me, huh? Ross the baby-making machine."

"No, Ross, it's not just that," Phoebe said. "Maybe Rachel can't see it now, but I know what a great guy you are. You're so sweet and lovable and sexy--"

"Sexy? You think I'm sexy?"

"Yeah," she smiled flirtatiously. "Why do you think we almost slept together before?"

He shrugged. "I thought it was just to comfort me about Carol. I mean, a lot of times it seems like you don't even like me."

"I like you. I just can't always take your boring dinosaur talk and your being skeptical about psychics and stuff. But you're so cute and smart and funny, Ross. You remind me of David, my scientist guy. Plus, you know, you can get a little crazy sometimes, which is so much fun!" She laughed. "I mean, even when I was all mad at you because of that dream where you said I was boring, I still thought you had a nice ass, remember?"

Ross blushed and looked flattered.

Phoebe kissed Ross again, passionately, and he was tempted to give in. She made him relax with gentle massaging caresses on his shoulders.

Ross sighed and kissed her in return. "Well, maybe... maybe just the sex tonight. No baby yet, okay?"

"Okay." She got off him and pulled him eagerly toward his bedroom.


	13. To Tell or Not to Tell

In the morning, Phoebe woke up Ross with a kiss. "Hey, loverboy."

He laughed and blushed a little. "It was really nice, Pheebs. Really... amazing."

She nodded smugly. "I know. I'm very bendy." She kissed him again, "And you're just as good as Bonnie said you were."

Ross raised an eyebrow. "She told you--? Ah, I ought to remember that women tell each other everything."

"Yep. Plus, I've heard stuff from Rachel, but she tends to bitch about you too, because of all that anger left over from your breakups."

"You mean she still talks about me sometimes?"

Phoebe sighed at his obsession with Rachel. "Yeah, sometimes." She shrugged and changed the subject. "So, um, it's morning now. I still want a baby, Ross. Do you?"

Ross frowned, looking pensive and worried. "Are you really sure about this, Phoebe?"

"Yes! I am." She pulled him close and looked into his eyes. "I really want a baby, and I already know you're a great father, Ross. Don't you want another kid?"

He nodded. "I do, but--"

"But nothing! Ross, if you think that us having a kid might interfere with you and Rachel getting back together someday, don't worry. It doesn't have to be like that. You only need to make a long-term commitment to our baby, not to me. Anything else is extra."

"Extra?"

"Yeah. Look at how great you, Carol, and Susan worked things out over Ben! Sure, it might be unusual, but it's definitely more functional than my family!"

Ross nodded and kissed her forehead, amazed as ever by the fractured family that Phoebe had come from.

"The point is, we can arrange something, Ross. Like, we can be parents and friends, and that's it. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet a great guy someday, or David will come back from Russia. Maybe you'll meet a great woman, or get back together with Rachel. Or maybe none of that works out, and we turn forty and get married anyway. Whatever happens, we're always gonna love our kid and be there for him or her."

Ross smiled. Phoebe could be so weird and out there sometimes, but she could also make a lot of sense too. "That might work."

"Only might?" she asked.

"Well, there's still a lot of stuff to discuss. I mean, are we gonna live together or not? Are we gonna get a nanny, or is one of us gonna stay home until the kid's old enough for school? Do we agree on schools? Discipline? Names?"

Phoebe smiled and kissed him happily. "How about we get out of bed and talk it over?"

Ross nodded, and they got up to shower and dress. Since their discussion might take quite a while, they agreed to keep last night a secret from the gang, until Ross made a decision about having a baby with her.

* * *

"So, um, Phoebe should be all right now, huh?" Chandler asked as he tried desperately not to kiss Joey. They were sitting at breakfast and carefully resisting the urge to have sex again, either the disconnected kind that they'd already had, or the real thing, with touching and everything.

Joey shrugged. "I hope she is. I guess we'll find out when we see the gang tonight."

"Yeah. Okay," Chandler spoke stiffly. "Well, I'll go to work now. See you tonight." He hurried out the door.

Talk about torture! It felt almost as if Carol and Susan had intentionally planned for the guys to start wanting each other, just to confuse them sexually and make the month more difficult. But Carol and Susan surely weren't that wicked, and Monica wouldn't go along with that idea either.

Fortunately, both Joey and Chandler were working again, which meant that they'd be alone for much less time every day. They should probably hang out with the gang more often, too, so that they would feel guilty every time they saw Monica. It would help them to have self control.

The guys still had to keep pretending to be married, though, at least in public. So they had agreed to think of those public moments when they kissed and touched as small, controlled releases of their sexual tension. Sort of like how a nicotine patch reduced your craving for cigarettes, so that you could quit the addiction.

There was no cure, however, for the sex dreams that Chandler kept having about Joey. Maybe when this month was over, he'd have to not only confess to Monica about cheating, but also see a shrink.

* * *

At Central Perk, Phoebe looked surprisingly happy, and even conspiratorial, because she kept slipping away from the gang to speak to Ross. Ross covered it up lamely, "Sorry, we, uh, we got into a discussion last night about a dinosaur egg that was discovered." He hurried off to another table with Phoebe.

Joey frowned, thinking that he and Chandler had been out of the loop too long. "Since when is Phoebe interested in boring dinosaur talk?"

"I don't know," Rachel shrugged, then added that Phoebe had stayed the night with Ross, instead of her and Monica. "We're not sure why."

Privately, Rachel wondered whether Phoebe had really sensed their secret affair last night and revealed it to Ross. But why would Ross look so happy about it, and not confront them? After how he reacted to finding out about Monica and Chandler, he ought to have another fit of rage at finding out about his ex-girlfriend and his sister.

"Maybe they renewed their friendship," Joey guessed. He and Phoebe had tried to do that while driving home from Vegas, but they ended up fighting over Joey falling asleep and picking up a hitchhiker.

Rachel leaned over to Monica and pointed to Ross and Phoebe. "Maybe we should go talk to them about... last night."

Monica nervously changed the subject. "Hey, Joey, are you really Phoebe's backup for when you guys are forty?"

"What?" Chandler interrupted. "I thought I was her backup. Oh, but maybe she had to get a new backup when I got together with you, Mon."

Monica avoided his eyes.

Joey replied, "But Phoebe asked me years ago, before you and Monica dated."

"Really?" Rachel sat up with interest. "So she was stringing you both along? Maybe somebody should confront somebody." She glared at Monica.

Joey almost got up to speak to Phoebe, but Chandler held him back and pointed out their rings. "We're supposed to be married, remember?"

"Right," Joey realized. "So we shouldn't care about Phoebe's backups."

Chandler nodded and put his head on Joey's shoulder, to relieve his current craving. He sighed and tried not to worry about Monica and what he should tell her later.

* * *

Days later, everyone was shocked when Ross and Phoebe made the announcement that they were going to have a baby together.

"What?!" Monica believed that her brother had gone crazy again, or maybe never fully recovered from the craziness of his third divorce. "If you're trying to make Rachel jealous or something--"

"No, no!" Ross said. "That's not what this is at all. Phoebe and I are gonna be parents, not a couple. We just realized that we both want kids, and this is a good time in both our lives."

Phoebe nodded. "Yeah, I had those triplets for Frank and Alice, and Ross has Ben, but Carol and Susan have him most of the time. So this way, me and Ross are finally gonna get to be full-time parents."

"Especially the first few years," Ross added.

"Yeah, I'm gonna move into his extra room during the pregnancy and maybe a year or so after the kid's born."

Ross shrugged. "We'll have to wait and see how we get along as roommates. I'm not sure I like the idea of you giving massages at my apartment, Pheebs."

"_Our_ apartment!" She hit him playfully. "Besides, I can do it while you're at work, Ross. You won't even notice it."

"I guess so. I mean, you *are* putting up with my dinosaur toys and Pottery Barn furniture."

Phoebe smiled indulgently, knowing that having a baby would require some compromises. "Oh, and Rachel, if you want to move into my apartment while I'm gone, that's fine. But I will want it back again whenever Ross and I decide that it's time for us to split up."

Rachel and Monica exchanged glances, but said nothing and hoped that no one had noticed their reaction.

Ross explained, "After Phoebe moves out, our kid will live at both our places equally, and we might get a nanny too, just to cover those times when each of us will want to get back to dating, you know."

"Feel free to babysit sometimes too," Phoebe said, looking especially at Monica, the known baby-lover of the group. "Oh, and I know you and Rachel meant well with your 'You don't need a man. Get a sperm donor' speech, but I just feel that my baby should have an actual father because I never had one growing up. I mean, I had my stepdad for a while, but then he went to prison. This way, I know my kid will have a great father who will always be around."

Ross smiled. "And you'll be a great mother, Pheebs."

"Of course!" Phoebe giggled, then looked at the stunned faces of the gang. "Come on, you guys! Look excited at least!"

"Oh--Congratulations!" Chandler went to hug her and Ross. Joey followed suit.

Monica and Rachel joined in too, but looked distracted.

"Wow, so that was your big secret!" Rachel was relieved. After thinking for a moment, she sat back and decided to announce something too. "Well, um, we should actually tell you guys some important news--"

"Rachel!" Monica dragged her away from the group and whispered, "You can't tell them now! This is a happy moment for Ross and Phoebe. You want me to break Chandler's heart right here? And possibly Ross too, if he's not over you?"

Rachel saw her point. "Yeah, but when are we gonna tell them? I feel so bad now that we're serious, and they're still talking like you and Chandler have a chance."

"I know, sweetie. But I just need to figure out how to break it to Chandler. You know, maybe we should ask Carol how she told Ross she was a lesbian."

Rachel agreed, and they returned to the gang as casually as possible.

Phoebe looked excited. "You guys! Are you planning a baby shower for me?"

Rachel went along with a coy smile. "Oh, Phoebe, you ruined the surprise! So, um, how soon are you two gonna go do that insemination thing?"

"Actually," Ross said, "we're not gonna do that. I mean, we might, later, but..." He looked at Phoebe significantly and put an arm around her.

Phoebe said, "Yeah, we gonna have sex first. I mean, Ross got Carol pregnant with just one night, and I was so fertile that I had triplets. Maybe we still have what it takes."

No one dared to comment that it might be weird to sleep with a friend; everyone had done it already.


	14. Break It To Me Gently

Carol and Susan came over to discuss the plans for the coming out party, only to be learn that Monica and Rachel had something far more private to discuss.

"You're not joking?" Carol asked as the four of them sat in Monica's living room. In light of the upcoming party, and Joey and Chandler's situation, a practical joke by their friends seemed within the realms of possibility.

"No," Monica said. "I almost wish we were joking, for Chandler's sake."

Susan sat back and folded her arms. "So how did this happen?"

Monica shrugged. "Well, one minute we were swapping sex stories and generally bashing men. The next minute, we were kissing and touching each other."

Rachel nodded. "Yeah, you see, I've kissed my girlfriends before. Like Mindy at camp and Melissa at my sorority. I had no idea that Monica and I would go that far. We weren't even drunk that night."

"Well, we had a tickle fight."

Susan raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Are you sure you're not just fooling around? Some people just experiment out of loneliness or curiosity."

"No, it's serious," Rachel answered, taking Monica's hand. "We're looking at each other totally different now, and we want to be together all the time."

Monica nodded and held Rachel closer. "These past couple of weeks have been so great, except for how guilty we feel about Chandler."

Rachel sighed. "Yeah, poor Chandler. Not to sound insensitive or anything, but I always thought that if Monica and Chandler ever broke up it would be because Chandler turned out to be gay, you know?"

The others nodded at the irony, and Monica wrung her hands anxiously. "Now, somehow, I have to tell Chandler that it's over for good, and that I'm cheating on him, and everything. Is there any possible way to do all that without crushing him?"

Susan shook her head. "Not in our experience. Nobody takes being dumped well, let alone learning that their lover is gay and cheating on them already."

Monica looked frustrated. "I know, but just a few weeks ago I was gonna move in with Chandler, and before that, I was gonna marry him in Vegas." She groaned. "I even told him he was the love of my life on our anniversary!"

"At least you didn't marry him," Carol spoke sadly. "It's much harder to end it then. I hated having to hurt Ross after all our years together, but I had to do it."

Rachel asked, "How exactly did you tell Ross?"

"He never told you guys?"

Rachel shook her head, and Monica said, "He never went into detail--I guess because it hurt him so much. He just said that you were a lesbian and you guys were getting a divorce. Phoebe guessed that you and Susan were probably lovers already. That night, Ross just talked on and on about your marriage, and the first time you met in college, and how in love you were."

Carol frowned. "Sounds like Ross, all right. It took him a long time to let go. That first Valentine's Day after our divorce, he said he still loved me."

Susan embraced her wife and held her hand. "Not to mention that time he talked you into having one last night, which resulted in Ben." Susan had forgiven Carol for that transgression; after all, she and Carol had slept together behind Ross's back, and Susan did want the baby.

"So how did you come out to Ross?" Monica asked.

Carol sighed. "Well, I sat him down and I said, 'Ross, you know how we've had trouble having sex lately? I've finally figured out my problem; I'm a lesbian.' He said, 'That's ridiculous,' and I said no, it's the truth. He insisted that I couldn't be a lesbian, because I'd slept with him and married him. I said, 'I know, Ross, and I'm very, very sorry. It's just, you were my first, and we were more innocent then. And you know how Chandler's dad didn't come out until after he got married? That's how I am too, and I wish I hadn't been blind for so long. I never meant to hurt you like this.' Ross just stammered and looked devastated. I said, 'Please tell me that our divorce won't be as bitter as it was with Chandler's parents. I want us to be friends, if we can.'

"Friends," Rachel said.

Carol nodded and frowned. "I should have known better. Ross kept arguing with me, saying that I was wrong and confused; our sexual problems had only been a few months, and what was a few months compared to seven years of marriage? I said 'This is who I am, Ross, and you have to accept it.' I told him it wasn't his fault, and he couldn't change things. We had to get a divorce. He was very upset, and finally decided to go spend the night with you guys, so I let him go and hoped that you could comfort him. The next time I saw him, he asked me whether I was cheating on him with Susan, so I told him all about that, and we had a fight. It was awful, but at least Ross stopped trying to talk me out of the divorce. He realized that it was really over, I guess."

Monica pondered that story and asked, "Should I do that too? You know, just tell Chandler that it's over, and wait until later to say that Rachel and I have been cheating on him? I mean, by then, we could tell everyone."

Susan doubted the wisdom of that approach. "Wait for how long? You can't put it off forever, Monica. I mean, you heard how Ross didn't really accept the reality of the divorce until Carol told him everything. Chandler needs to know the truth, no matter how painful."

"You're right," Monica sighed. "But still, I almost think that Chandler would take it better if I said I was leaving him for Richard, not Rachel."

Rachel hugged her soothingly. "And Chandler's just the first person we have to tell! I feel like *we* should be the ones having a coming out party."

That gave Carol an idea.

* * *

After further discussion of the new plan, Rachel accompanied Carol and Susan to their home, to pick up some helpful books on being gay and coming out. That left Monica alone to talk to Chandler.

She nervously went across the hall. "Chandler, I need to talk to you."

Chandler look apprehensive, but Joey patted his shoulder encouragingly. "It could be good news, man." After all, Monica hadn't condescended to speak to him for quite a while.

Monica bit her lip and silently left with Chandler.

* * *

Later that night, Chandler returned, looking stunned and miserable.

Joey rushed to hug him. "Whoa, what happened? Did you have a fight?"

Chandler shook his head and stammered, "No, she--she broke up with me for good."

"What?!" Joey sat Chandler down on the couch. "You didn't tell her what we did, did you?"

"No. She just, she started saying, 'You're a great guy, and this is really hard for me to tell you...' The usual kiss-off. So I said, 'Monica, you're not breaking up with me. You can't be. You're just mad at me right now, but I can make it up to you.'

"She said, 'No, you can't. It's really over this time, and not just because of our last fight. It's not even you and Joey playing house, or you guys searching our apartment for the porn. It's nothing you did. It's me. I've changed, and I want different things.'

"I tried to apologize and get her to listen to me, but she said, 'Stop it. I'm not mad at you. In fact, you should be mad at me. There's someone else.'"

Joey was shocked. "Who?"

Chandler shrugged. "She wouldn't tell me; said it was too hard to explain right now. She just said she was sorry for cheating on me, and she didn't plan to do it, and no, it wouldn't have helped if I had been around lately. Even without this fake marriage stuff, she would've avoided me anyway because she was so mad."

"This is terrible!" Joey said, trying to absorb it all. "I'm so sorry, Chandler. Me and my big mouth, saying it could be good news."

"You--you didn't know." Chandler put his head on Joey's shoulder and clung to him.

Joey hugged him close. "Did she say anything else?"

"Stuff about how I'll be happier without her, and I'll find somebody else. She kept saying she was sorry, and I should yell at her. I just sat there and couldn't believe it. She said, 'Come on, yell at me! Get angry, like you did over Richard in Vegas.' I said, 'This isn't Vegas, and we're not gonna make up again, are we?' She said, 'No. This is a permanent breakup.' So I just, I just came home."

"Man!" Joey shook his head in disbelief. "This is crazy! What's the matter with her? You're better than him, whoever that guy is. Even if it's Richard. How could she?"

Chandler looked up at Joey and reminded him, "We did stuff too. You and me."

"I know," Joey answered with guilt. "But it was a fluke, like you said. You still wanted to make up with her."

Chandler thought about that, and all the sex dreams he'd been having lately.

Suddenly they heard a noise out in the hallway and turned around. Monica opened the door and set down a bag filled with their porn videos.

"I'm so sorry," she murmured softly. "I, um, told Carol and Susan about the breakup, and they're gonna cancel the rest of the stuff they were planning this month. You can go back to normal, okay? Go ahead and watch your porn, or get drunk, or go watch some strippers. Whatever makes you feel better, Chandler."

They said nothing, and she exited with another strained, "I'm sorry!"


	15. Love and Comfort

After Monica left, Joey hugged Chandler closer and shook his head remorsefully. "It's my fault. I mean, you guys were doing fine after Vegas, and you were moving in together, but I ruined it--"

Chandler shook his head and interrupted, "No, no, it was me too. It was--" He ran his hands down Joey's arms, and then along the scar on his abdomen. With a sigh, Chandler raised his head from Joey's shoulder and leaned in for a kiss.

Joey drew back warily.

"Please," Chandler said. "We don't have to feel guilty now."

"But Carol and Susan canceled--"

"I know. But Monica just broke up with me."

He looked so wretched and lonely that Joey went along. They kissed and caressed each other, tenderly at first, until Chandler pulled Joey to lay on top of him on the couch, and they made out feverishly.

Soon Chandler wanted even more comfort. "Let's go to bed."

Joey hesitated and met his eyes. "You sure?"

Chandler nodded. "Make me forget her, Joe. Touch me this time; don't just talk."

So they got up and headed into Chandler's bedroom together. Locking the door, Chandler quickly stripped and waited for Joey to join him on the bed.

"You really wanna do this, Chandler?"

"Yes," he kissed Joey eagerly. "Let's do all that stuff we talked about before. But--but no Monica."

Joey nodded and got under the covers with him, letting their naked bodies meet for the first time. It was a hot, dizzying sensation after all the teasing they'd done already, and Chandler felt better when he realized that he wasn't the only one trembling.

With an aching kiss, they began to experiment and stroke each other. Joey asked Chandler if he really did have any sexy stories about things he'd seen his father doing to the houseboy. Chandler nodded and showed Joey what he could remember. Not everything went smoothly between them, but at last they consummated what they only had imagined in fantasies and sex dreams.

Chandler noticed as Joey sucked on his fingers that they were both still wearing their wedding rings. Just a few weeks ago they were only friends, and now they were in bed for the second time, no longer holding back their lust for each other. But was this lust only temporary? Was it only an illusion manufactured by their fake marriage, and Chandler's heartache? Was it wise to have sex now, if they would only regret it later?

Chandler forgot all his doubts when Joey went down on him, deciding that it shouldn't be that difficult to learn how to suck his erection too. Chandler groaned in ecstasy and was certainly willing to let him try.

After some successes and some misfires that night, they finally spent all their passion and just lay in bed, staring at each other silently.

Then Joey stroked Chandler's cheek and whispered, "You feel better now?"

Chandler nodded and lay his head on Joey's shoulder. "Thank you."

Joey shrugged and confessed, "I wanted it too."

After another silence, Chandler asked him, "Stay the night with me?"

"Okay." They kissed again and closed their eyes, soon falling asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

In the morning, Chandler awoke with his alarm and sat up to turn it off. Leaving Joey sleeping, he got out of bed and headed for the shower. As the water hit him, he could remember all the places that Joey had touched him, and for now, at least, he didn't regret last night.

But Chandler sighed and wondered if Joey would soon remove his wedding ring and go back to "normal" as Monica had urged them to. Joey could probably resume his regular life easily enough, since he had no one that he'd need to explain these past few weeks to.

Chandler, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. For over a year, Monica had been his girlfriend, and she had become a large part of what made his life normal. But now, she was suddenly gone for good, and the only life that Chandler could return to was the life of the dateless loser, which he no longer knew how to live.

At least at work, Chandler could lead the life of a married man. That was much less humiliating, even if it meant that his co-workers thought he was gay. Chandler could flaunt his wedding ring all over the office and pretend that he was still in a happy and committed relationship. The only problem was that he'd have to come home and face the jarring reality that he had neither a girlfriend nor a husband. One had cheated on him and dumped him, while the other had been fake all along.

With a gloomy sigh, Chandler finished his shower and toweled off. Then he put on a robe and tiptoed back into his room to get dressed for work. Joey remained asleep, and Chandler couldn't help glancing at him in bed.

_What if I don't go to work today?_ Chandler asked himself. _What if I call in sick and just stay here and have sex with Joey some more?_

That was wishful thinking, though. Joey certainly wouldn't want to have sex with him again. Last night had been about comfort, and maybe also the release of the sexual tension that they'd been building up for a while now. It wouldn't be something that Joey would want to repeat, now that he was allowed to have women and porn again.

So Chandler finished dressing and left for work.

* * *

Joey was home when Chandler came back that afternoon. "Hey," he spoke softly. "You okay?"

Chandler shrugged morosely. "I'll get over her. It'll just take some time."

Joey nodded with understanding. "So you wanna go out and do something tonight, or is it too soon for you? Are you still in phase one?"

"Yeah, you know me--I'll be here, moping in my sweats and drinking myself insensible. Do we have enough beer for that?" He checked the fridge, and found it well stocked.

Joey warned him, "Hey, I bought that for both of us, Chandler. Don't try to drink it all yourself, because I'm gonna be watching you."

"You don't have to--"

"Yes, I do! You think I forgot how drunk you got at my birthday party a few years back? It's not gonna happen again."

"Fine, but Ross can stay and babysit me then. You should go out and celebrate your first night of freedom, Joe."

"No, that can wait. Besides, Ross has plans with Phoebe."

"What plans?"

"You know, sex."

"Sex?" Chandler looked shocked, before he realized his denseness. "Oh, I forgot they're making babies the old-fashioned way."

Joey offered, "If you wanna have some guys over, I can call up your cousins, or my cousins, or maybe even Gunther."

"No, no, I don't want people I barely know seeing me... you know, crying and stuff." He looked away quickly.

Joey put an arm around his shoulders. "Okay, I guess it's just us then."

Chandler appreciated Joey's concern, but still felt guilty. "No, it's not right, Joey! Look, you're a straight bachelor again, and nobody's dumped you. You should be out getting a hot woman or two."

"And leave you alone? No way!"

"Well, maybe Rachel could come over, or maybe Carol and Susan would take pity on me. Women can get me through phase one all right, if not phase two."

Joey shrugged. "Rachel already said that she's doing something with Monica, but I'll call Carol and Susan."

So Chandler grabbed a beer from the fridge and listened as Joey phoned them.

"Hi, Carol! Look, you know about Monica breaking up with Chandler? Well, he shouldn't be alone tonight, and we were wondering if you could come over... You can't? Oh. No, no, it's okay, I'll be here. He just wanted some more company, you know? Okay, hang on." Joey handed the phone to Chandler.

Chandler reluctantly took the receiver. "Hello?"

"Hi, Chandler, how are you feeling?"

"Oh, I'm fine and dandy! You?"

She sighed and ignored his sarcasm. "Chandler, Susan and I just want you to know how very, very sorry we are about what happened. Not that it really matters right now, but we're coming over tomorrow night to pick up our books and such. If you want us to, we will definitely stick around and keep you company."

"Well, thanks. 'Cause I really want Joey to get out of the house, now that he can, you know?"

"Sure. So you'll be okay for tonight? We don't have somebody to babysit Ben on such short notice, but I can send Susan over if you like. She's very good with sarcastic comebacks."

"Thanks, but when I'm like this, two nights in a row with me is a torture that only close friends should suffer. I'll see you tomorrow."

"All right. Bye."

Chandler hung up and told Joey, "They're gonna stay with me tomorrow night."

"Oh, okay."

Chandler still had some doubts about Joey staying. "You really don't mind waiting until tomorrow to get some hot babes?"

"No, I told you, it's fine. I just wanna know that you're okay."

"That's nice of you. Thanks."

"No problem." Joey hugged him briefly. "So, um, you go change into some sweats, and I'll order some pizza, okay?"

"Okay."


	16. Wants and Needs

As they drank beer and ate pizza, Chandler sat in his recliner and rambled on about his miserable love life. "First Janice cheats on me, then Kathy cheats on me, then Monica cheats on me. What, do I have a sign on my forehead that says, 'Screw me over'?"

Joey rubbed his arm reassuringly. "They don't know what a great guy you are."

"Yeah, but--" Chandler noticed something and touched Joey's hand. "Hey, you're still wearing the wedding ring."

Joey shrugged. "You're still wearing yours."

"I know, but I told you that I was gonna do that all along, remember? You know, keep up the pretense at work for another month or so. For the insurance."

"Oh. Oh yeah, I forgot that." He pulled his hand away from Chandler and coughed dismissively. "I guess, I just--I got used to the ring, and, um, I forgot where we put the ring boxes."

"Well, I think I put them with my desk drawer over there."

"Right," Joey said. "I'll put it away later, I guess." Joey sat back in his recliner and tore off some more pizza crust to offer to the chick and the duck, who were hanging around begging for bread crumbs.

Chandler drank his beer and gazed pensively at his own ring. "Joey, do you think I'll ever find real love? You know, a woman that I could love and settle down with, in a real marriage?"

Joey looked surprised. "You want that? I thought you were afraid of commitment and stuff. You backed out of marrying Monica in Vegas."

"I know, but that was because it was too soon. I was hoping that once I moved in with her, I'd get a better idea of what being married to her would be like. Maybe after another year... But never mind, it's over with now."

Joey shrugged. "I guess she wasn't ready to commit to you yet."

"Yeah," Chandler frowned. "But I still hope there's someone else out there for me. You know, a real soul mate."

"Of course. You'll find someone."

Chandler scoffed. "You sound like Monica. 'You'll find someone' only makes me feel more pathetic and alone."

"I'm sorry."

Chandler sighed and shook his head. "No, I'm sorry, Joe. I know you're just trying to cheer me up, but it's useless right now. There's nothing to do but just drink myself numb--or have a cigarette."

"Chandler!"

"I know, I know! But I want to so bad."

"You have to be strong."

"But how?" he whined. "I've been cheated on, and dumped, and besides you, I haven't had sex in weeks... I'm so alone."

"You're not alone. You got me."

"Yeah, like that's the same!"

Joey was hurt, but kept it to himself. "Look, what do you want to do, Chandler? Watch some porn? Go out to a strip joint? We could go to a bar and pick up women. Whatever you want."

"I wanna smoke."

"No! You don't need that!"

"Yes I do!"

"No, I won't let you start again!"

"Hey, I'm a grownup, and if I wanna smoke myself to an early grave, you can't stop me!"

"Chandler, you know it'll only make it harder to quit again. Just forget about it. Smoking can only make things worse."

"Worse? How could it get worse? Am I gonna lose my job next? Are you gonna kick me out of the apartment if I smoke?"

"No, of course not. I just, I want you to be healthy and happy--"

"Smoking makes me happy! Cigarettes don't argue with me, cheat on me, or dump me. In fact, their promise is 'until death do us part'."

"Chandler!"

"I wanna smoke!" He put down his beer and got up.

"No!" Joey went after him and grabbed his arm. "You're not going anywhere!"

Chandler tried to shake him off, begging, "Please, Joe. I can't take it anymore. Just one cigarette. One!"

"No, they only sell them in packs, and once you start, you won't be able to stop."

Chandler kept struggling. "You can't watch me all night! There's plenty of places that sell cigarettes that you don't know about."

"No, please, stay here! I'll let you get really drunk. I'll let you, uh--what do you want?"

"I wanna kiss you!"

Joey blinked, and Chandler blushed, realizing what he'd said.

"I-I didn't--" Chandler stammered. "I meant--"

Joey leaned nearer and kissed him. "Is that okay?" he asked. "Or did you want to make out for a while?"

Chandler stared at him for a moment, then whispered, "I-I want to make out."

"Okay." Joey pulled Chandler close and kissed him passionately.

Chandler melted into Joey's arms and forgot all about his desire to smoke. After more breathless kisses, he pulled back and tried to make sense of what they were doing. "I thought, I thought it was just gonna be last night," he whispered.

Joey caressed his cheek. "I liked last night. We could... do it again, if you want to."

"Yeah?" Chandler met his eyes.

Joey nodded. "Yeah."

So Chandler kissed him back, and said, "I want to."

They returned to Chandler's bedroom, and again they behaved like a married couple. In fact, it was like a honeymoon in which they were virgins, lustfully discovering each other bit by bit. Last night had been the first night of real sex, and now on their second night, they learned to be less awkward and more natural in their intimacy.

In their rush, they had forgot to shut both halves of Chandler's door, so the chick and the duck idly wandered in. Joey and Chandler were too engrossed in each other to notice, and after a while, the birds lost interest in watching the heated activities on the bed. So they returned to the living room and feasted on the leftover pizza.

* * *

In the morning, the guys woke up in bed together and lay close, just watching each other's eyes.

"Thank you," Chandler whispered again.

Joey dismissed it with a shrug and joked, "Anything to keep you off the cigarettes."

Chandler laughed faintly and raised his eyebrows. "You really don't like me smoking, huh?"

Joey ran his fingers through Chandler's hair and nuzzled his neck. "You smell better without it. So much better."

He blushed. "Well, you--you weren't quite so close then."

"Now I am." Joey kissed him and groped him.

Chandler closed his eyes and moaned softly. He could feel the wedding ring still on Joey's finger, and it added to the pleasure.

They had not got very far before Chandler's alarm clock went off. Joey sighed and let go. "You gotta go, I guess."

Chandler was disappointed as well. "Unless, unless you wanna take a shower with me?"

Joey grinned. "Yeah!" They got out of bed and rushed to the bathroom together.

After a hurried, but sensual shower, they stopped fooling around so that Chandler could go get ready for work.

Joey put on a bathrobe and went to make a quick breakfast for them--bagels with cream cheese. Chandler was surprised by his thoughtfulness, and he kissed Joey softly on his way to the door. They still hadn't really talked about what this continued sex meant.

"I--I better go before I'm late."

"Okay," Joey said and gave him another toasted bagel to take with him.


	17. Not So Ambiguous

When Chandler got home from work, he found Joey waiting for him again and they shared a lingering kiss at the door.

Chandler sighed and asked hesitantly, "You sure you don't want to go out and get some women? I-I don't wanna be selfish..."

Locking their door, Joey just pulled Chandler toward the bathroom again. "I thought maybe we could do that bathtub thing we were talking about."

Chandler shivered with anticipation. "Okay." Even the slight connection to London, and to a bubble bath that he had once shared with Monica, didn't bother him. Joey had rewritten London for them both, and they were still wearing their rings, as if Vegas had been real too.

Unfortunately, they had entirely forgotten about Carol and Susan coming over that evening, so their sultry bath was interrupted by a knock on their door. They ignored it at first, staying lost in a watery embrace.

Checking her watch, Susan knocked louder and called out, "Hello? Guys?"

The chick and the duck helpfully pecked at the bathroom door to inform their owners, who seemed to have developed a habit lately of getting naked together a lot.

Annoyed, Joey put on a robe and came out of the bathroom to shoo the birds away. But then he heard Susan knocking again, so he went to the front door and looked through the peephole, hoping that it was just Monica or Rachel needing to borrow something.

Joey jumped a little when he saw Carol and Susan there, and didn't stifle his gasp quickly enough.

"Joey?" Susan said, looking toward the peephole.

"Ah, damn it!" he said involuntarily.

"Well, that's a fine way to greet us," Carol laughed.

Joey gave up. "Um, sorry. I just--I thought you canceled all the stuff we had to do."

"We did," Susan nodded. "We're here to get back our stuff and keep Chandler company."

"Yeah, didn't he tell you?" Carol asked. "You're supposed to be going out to celebrate your freedom tonight."

"Oh." Joey remembered now. He tried to think what to do. Maybe he should go ask Chandler for a plausible excuse.

Susan folded her arms impatiently, "Come on, Joey, when are you gonna let us in?"

"Um, I can't right now. I, uh," he coughed, "I'm--I'm contagious. Yeah, me and Chandler are both sick, so we're just gonna stay home tonight."

"What? You came down with something?"

"Yeah," he coughed a few times for emphasis. "So, um, sorry we forgot to call you and cancel tonight. Bye-bye." He ran back to the bathroom.

In the hallway, the wives turned to each other in confusion, and Carol asked, "What's going on with Joey?"

"I don't know, but he sure didn't sound sick to me."

"He didn't even let us get the books back." Carol gestured to the book bag they had brought with them.

Susan looked suspicious. "Wait. Do you think something's going on in there?"

Carol's eyes widened. "Noooo!" She giggled. "Not them too?"

Susan shrugged. "Well, some of those kisses we saw..."

"Yeah, but you can never tell with those two. They're the definition of an ambiguously gay couple."

"Come on, let's go somewhere and talk about this. The coffee's good downstairs, right?" Arm in arm, they headed down to Central Perk.

* * *

Discarding his bathrobe, Joey returned to the tub and covered Chandler in eager kisses. "Did you miss me?"

"So much." With a sigh, Chandler asked absently, "Did I hear somebody at the door?"

"Yeah, but it was just Carol and Susan."

Chandler blinked. "What'd they want?"

"We called them last night, remember? Asked them to come stay with you."

"Oh." Chandler remembered. "Phase One." He kissed Joey and ran his wet hands through his hair. "This is... the best Phase One ever."

Joey agreed and bit into Chandler's neck while his hands plunged far below the waterline.

* * *

Carol and Susan found the orange couch free for once, so they plopped down on it together and ordered some coffee. (Joey and Chandler were clearly occupied, Ross and Phoebe had already announced plans for nonstop sex until a baby was conceived, and Monica and Rachel were presumably reading through all the advice in the coming out books that they'd borrowed. No doubt, they'd also find time for some lovemaking too.)

Susan shook her head. "Can you believe that? Joey and Chandler? _And_ Monica and Rachel? In the same month!" Ross and Phoebe didn't make the list because, as far as anyone knew, their relationship was only about parenthood, not romance.

Carol couldn't believe it. "Maybe we're assuming too much about the guys, though."

"Are you kidding? It took Joey so long to come to the door, and he never even opened it. And that cough was so fake!"

Carol shrugged. "Yeah, but they could be up to something else."

"Like what?"

Carol thought about it, then giggled at something that Ross had told her once. "They could be cooking naked!"

Susan laughed wickedly, "Yeah, Joey's giving Chandler a cooking lesson, all right, but not in the kitchen." After further thought, she looked somewhat concerned. "Hey, you don't think they only got together because of our month of punishment, do you?"

Carol frowned and wasn't sure. "I don't know. That would be awful, if it was just the fake marriage and us denying them women and porn. I always thought that those two would make a nice couple."

Susan nodded. "Wait, remember Ross telling us about that moment on this couch? 'I always thought that if you were gay, you'd want me.' Doesn't that sound more like a wish than a hypothetical?"

"Yeah. It sounds like a crush waiting to blossom. Especially with their kiss afterward." Carol sipped her coffee pensively. "So what should we do now? Tell Monica and Rachel?"

"Well, we don't have any actual proof of sex, you know. And we don't know if it's for real, or if they're just... taking their fake marriage way too seriously."

"Right," Carol sighed and got worried. "It could be a very delicate situation if they're still in denial at all."

Susan suggested, "Can't we do something about it at the coming out party?"

"Oh!" Reminded of that event, Carol groaned and felt a headache coming on. "We've already postponed that once! Now these guys throw us for another loop and don't even bother to tell us."

"I know." Susan shrugged and joked, "There's no way that we can slip some 'How do I know if I'm gay?' books into their apartment, huh? You know, just convince the guys that the books were in the original piles that we gave them at the beginning of the month? Joey might be fooled by that, but not Chandler."

"Yeah. You know, if they really are gay, don't you think they should have figured it out years ago by themselves instead of making us be their matchmakers?"

Susan smirked. "Yeah, what are we--their fairy godmothers?"

Carol giggled. "More like puppeteers. We had to blackmail Joey and Chandler, and order them all around."

Susan nodded. "Yeah, and before we got involved, this group got it so wrong that Monica was with Chandler! Talk about a sick relationship!"

Carol flopped back against the couch, laughing heartily.

Susan grinned and kissed her. "How about we go home, huh?"


	18. Too Good To Be True

At home that evening, Carol and Susan made love for a bit, since Ben was being babysat at a friend's house. Then the wives playfully called Joey and Chandler's apartment, hoping to say something like, "Get well soon," but they got a busy signal.

Susan hung up. "Either that phone's off the hook, or Chandler's computer is online."

"Which means sex anyhow, as Chandler's always downloading porn."

"Hey--why didn't they think to use the computer for porn? We punished them for almost three weeks, and their phone line was always available."

"Oh yeah! Chandler must be dumber than we thought."

"Or that hot for Joey's body."

"Well, that's a given."

So after a further snuggle, the wives lay in bed and discussed the coming out party.

(The night that Monica broke up with Chandler, Carol and Susan didn't really cancel the guys' coming out party, which was originally scheduled for that weekend. Rather, they had merely postponed the party for another week and changed the guests of honor. Their new plan was to prepare Monica and Rachel for coming out, first to a dozen or so supportive strangers, then to their circle of friends and ex-lovers.)

When postponing the party, Carol and Susan had explained to their invited guests that Joey and Chandler had suddenly revealed that they weren't gay; they were only covering for Monica and Rachel, the real roommates who were gay and in need of guidance.

Now, however, it looked like Joey and Chandler were gay after all, so Carol and Susan wondered if they needed to rethink their plans.

Susan said, "I wonder whether Chandler will even be upset when he finds out that Monica and Rachel are together. I mean, he's with Joey now."

"Even if they're doing it like bunnies, does that mean Chandler will really admit to himself that he turned out like his father? I mean, he occasionally speaks to his mother, awful as she is, but Chandler didn't even visit or mention Mr. Bing when the six of them were in Vegas a couple of months ago."

"Yeah, talk about forgetting that somebody exists," Susan tsked disapprovingly.

Carol shrugged. "Was I ever that much in denial? Chandler didn't even realize he was Joey's sugar daddy, and he apparently thought up this whole insurance scheme as a way to be with Joey, if only in name."

Susan sighed. "Yeah, and maybe Joey thinks this is only some harmless fooling around. His casual attitude to screwing lots of women doesn't speak much for his ability to commit."

"Then why is he staying home with Chandler, even though we were there to give him the night off? He could have screwed plenty of women on his first night of freedom."

"You've got a point there. I just hope Joey and Chandler see that too."

* * *

Ross lay in bed, basking in the afterglow of yet another attempt at conception. Phoebe snuggled up to him and, despite the fact that her body was always faster than Western medicine, she felt in no rush to take a pregnancy test yet. It was just so cozy here.

Ross sighed and twirled a strand of Phoebe's long blond hair around his finger. "Tell me again how long we can keep having sex once you're pregnant?"

Phoebe grinned. "As long as I feel like it. You read the baby books yourself."

He nodded, "I know, but when I found out that Carol was pregnant, we were already divorced by then. She was living with Susan and having sex with her, not me. The most I got was a chance to talk to her belly and feel the baby kick."

Phoebe kissed him. "Well, this time, Mommy's gonna want Daddy around, especially during the fourth month. Yeah, the fourth month," she sighed at the memory of her sexual frustration the last time around. "I promise we'll do it at least three times a week that month, and it'll sure make up for holding back my hair during my morning sickness."

Ross smiled. "Well, I'd hold your hair anyway, Pheebs. God, I missed so many great pregnancy moments with Carol, and I'm not gonna miss them with you. Whatever you want, from the midnight cravings for weird food, to the leg cramps, I'll be there for you. Just say the word."

Phoebe chuckled. "Will you wear your beeper with the number 55-JIMBO?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "but I'll have to find it first. I think I put it--"

Phoebe stopped him from leaving the bed. "What's the rush? We still don't know if I'm pregnant yet. Do you feel up to trying again?"

Ross smiled and kissed her passionately. "I'll try it as many times as you want."

* * *

After Joey and Chandler finished their steamy fantasy in the bathtub, they left the bathroom and returned to bed to recover. They still had no intention of stopping for the night yet, so until they were ready to start again, they let their wet slippery bodies mingle in the bedsheets and kissed each other frantically. At last, Joey's erection returned and they hurried to get into the positions they'd agreed on earlier. They both wanted it badly because, as good as oral sex and various kinds of rubbing could be, they were each too used to regular sex to give it up.

Quickly retrieving a condom and some lube, Joey bit the back of Chandler's neck to make him shiver with anticipation. Then Joey got him ready and began pushing into him from behind.

Chandler gasped softly and closed his eyes. He had let Joey use fingers and improvised sex toys before, but now he was taking Joey's "little general" inside for the first time. It didn't hurt as bad as Chandler thought it might, but it was indeed a challenge for his tight muscles to accommodate. He still wanted to do it, though, wriggling around until they gradually worked Joey completely inside.

"Oh, baby," Joey sighed and ran a hand in front to fondle Chandler again. "You ready?"

Opening his eyes, Chandler clutched the bed sheets and nodded.

So Joey began thrusting, and their lust took over. They grunted and strained like animals in heat, becoming sweaty and sticky all over. Joey kept a tight grip on Chandler's hips as he pounded rhythmically into him, and Chandler bucked and shouted, "Yes! Yes! Oh God!"

In another time and place Chandler would have been disturbed by liking this position so much, but for now he couldn't even remember his name, much less a time when he didn't want to be pounded into the mattress by Joey.

Finally they both came, one after the other, and then collapsed upon the bed.

Joey gently withdrew and caught his breath before he snuggled up close to Chandler. "I love you," he whispered sleepily.

Chandler opened his eyes. "What?"

Joey blinked and corrected himself, "I love fucking you."

But Chandler turned to him and looked upset. "Stop it. Don't say stuff like that."

Joey sat up, looking concerned. "Like what?"

"Like--like love. I know you don't mean it. I know better."

Joey frowned and caressed his cheek worriedly. Seeing the lonely despair in Chandler's eyes, Joey risked asking, "What if I do mean it? I've always loved you as a friend, and now we're--"

"No!" Chandler shook his head. "No, this isn't us! This isn't--" He gestured to their wedding rings. "It's just, it's just this fake marriage messing with our minds. One of these days you'll snap out of it and want girls again. Then you'll leave me here, and I'll have to figure out what to do, and I don't even know what I want anymore." He gulped. "Maybe I am gay or something, but--but I know you're not, Joe. I know what you're like when you haven't been all confused and sex-deprived for a month."

"But I could change. I could--"

"Stop it!" Chandler insisted. "You're just trying to be nice 'cause I need you right now, but please don't lie to me, even if you think you mean it. It'll only hurt more when you're gone."

"Chandler..."

"Stop it!" He broke down into tears and then buried his head against Joey's shoulder.

Joey was stunned and disheartened. He held Chandler close and tried to murmur comforting things, but Chandler kept shushing him and only wanted the silent comfort of his arms.

So Joey reluctantly gave up for now, but tried to think of some way to convince Chandler that the feelings they'd discovered in bed together were real. In fact, as Joey realized lately, he had been wanting Chandler for years now, and had felt genuinely disappointed and even a bit jealous when he first learned that Chandler slept with Monica in London.

Perhaps if Joey let Chandler be on top? Perhaps if he removed their wedding rings and showed Chandler that the desire had nothing to do with the fake marriage? Perhaps if he explained about his long-standing crush whenever Chandler would actually agree to listen? Perhaps if he got advice from Carol and Susan?

With a heavy sigh, Joey regretted letting the "I love you" slip so soon. Perhaps if he had waited until a few weeks had passed, Chandler would have slowly realized that Joey didn't want to leave him to return to girls, didn't want to give up their wedding rings. Maybe then Chandler could have believed in the sincerity of their new relationship.

Joey wasn't sure what to do now, but he knew he'd do whatever it took to show Chandler his love.


	19. Lost in Dreamland

For a week, Joey tried to convince Chandler of his love, but none of his attempts worked. Chandler regarded any sweet gestures that Joey made as pity or kindness, and any loving words Joey spoke as nonsense that must be hushed and ignored. Likewise, any kind of sex they had, no matter how tender or rough, no matter who took what position, was just lust to Chandler. Just a blissful fantasy that would eventually come to an end, so they should make the most of it while it lasted.

Why couldn't Chandler believe him? Was he afraid that if he believed in this love, then Joey would cheat on him and leave him, just like Janice, Kathy, and Monica? If only Chandler wasn't so insecure, and if only Joey didn't have such a poor track record when it came to fidelity.

Once, while they were making out, Chandler got upset when Joey reached to remove Chandler's wedding ring, and he downright panicked when he suddenly noticed Joey's lack of jewelry. "Where's your ring? Did you lose--Oh God!" he gasped with realization. "Are you going back to girls now? Oh God!"

"No! I meant--"

But Chandler didn't listen, already starting to sob and fall apart. "Oh God! I'm not ready! I'm not--"

Reaching into his pocket, Joey quickly put his ring back on and hugged Chandler close. "No, no!" Joey soothed him with tender kisses, "I only meant that we should take off the rings 'cause we don't need a fake marriage to be together. I wanna be with you anyway, Chandler. I wanna--"

"No, I want the rings," Chandler interrupted. "I want them."

Joey watched his eyes. "Why? If the fake marriage bothers you--"

Chandler shrugged and couldn't really explain. "I just want them. When I'm at work and thinking about you, and I look at the ring..." He got a peaceful, faraway look in his eyes. "And sometimes people in the office will go by and say, 'Still on your honeymoon, huh?' or 'Did you guys want gifts, 'cause we didn't know about the wedding.' And it's just... nice."

Joey smiled and kissed him. "It is nice." He nodded encouragingly. "So nice just to be here, with you."

Chandler nuzzled his neck and asked softly, "Please don't come to my office anymore."

Joey looked hurt and bewildered. "Why not? They like me. Everything was fine."

But Chandler blushed at the memory of the visit. Joey had surprised him today at his office and asked him out to lunch. As they left together, Joey had kept kissing and touching Chandler constantly in front of everybody. This didn't cause any real problems, because it was a gay friendly company, but Chandler's boss Doug behaved obnoxiously.

Chandler insisted, "You shouldn't have come, Joe. You'll get a reputation, and people will talk--"

"They were already talking about us, remember? They didn't believe that we were just roommates."

"I know," Chandler nodded. "But it's different now. The way you look at me now, the way you touch me..."

"Yeah?" Joey asked, pulling Chandler closer in his arms.

Chandler sighed and laid his head against Joey's shoulder. He muttered sadly, "Why do you have to be so nice to me? It's like some dream, and I don't want to wake up."

"You don't have to, Chandler. I'm right here. It's real--"

"Shh!" Chandler still refused to believe him. "Stop it."

Joey frowned and exhaled in frustration. If only Chandler would listen to him.

After a silence, Chandler spoke up with guilt. "I'm sorry, Joe. I'm sorry I got so upset. If you're ready to go back to girls, I shouldn't make you stay with me. I'm sorry."

"Chandler, I want to stay! I told you, I--"

He hushed Joey again and kissed him coaxingly. "Don't talk. Let's go to bed."

"Chandler!"

"Please!" he begged. "Just one more night. I'll do that thing you like. Please!" He showered Joey with kisses and pressed his body closer.

Joey tried to resist, but found Chandler's hands roving familiarly all over him, and he felt especially tempted when Chandler sat on his lap. He gulped. "But you have to listen to me afterward. You have to let me talk and not interrupt."

"Okay, okay. Kiss me!"

They shared another hot, lingering kiss, then returned to Chandler's bed and made love again. Once they were naked, Joey murmured, "See how I like that, Chandler? See how I still want you?"

"Oh, Joe," Chandler moaned passionately.

"This isn't one last night. This isn't the end."

Chandler shushed him by doing that thing Joey liked, rendering him incapable of coherent speech. Joey gave in to the pleasure and decided to save words for later.

* * *

Afterward, they lay there contentedly, and Chandler almost jokingly asked for a cigarette. Instead he just snuggled up to Joey and closed his eyes.

Joey turned and shook him gently to make sure he was awake. "You ready to listen now, Chandler? No interrupting."

Chandler frowned but reluctantly opened his eyes and looked attentive. "Okay."

"Good!" Joey thought about where to begin. "Okay, first--didn't you notice how, this past month, I was the one who wanted to kiss all the time?"

Chandler shrugged indifferently.

Joey prompted him, "Come on, it didn't seem weird to you at all? You got nervous sometimes and had to hide in your bedroom."

Chandler cleared his throat and admitted, "That was, that was because I started having these dreams about you. Um, sex dreams. I was liking the kisses too much."

"Well what about me, then? You don't think I could have started liking the kisses too?"

"But, but you're an actor, Joe. And you were following the rules of the punishment."

"No I wasn't! I was doing way more than the rules, and you know it. I even came onto you long before Monica broke up with you."

"You were desperate for sex. You would've done it with anybody then."

"No! I wanted you, Chandler. I wanted--" He exhaled and pointed out, "I kissed you at New Year's, remember? I bought you that bracelet and the big TV and the leather chairs. I was jealous of Kip, and Eddie, and even Ross sometimes 'cause I wanted you to like me the best. I kept waiting and waiting for you to come onto me, and you never did."

Chandler started to speak, but Joey hushed him and continued, "Then all of a sudden you were with Monica, and I couldn't stand seeing you guys kissing or touching. I hated keeping your secret for you, and when I heard you in bed with her, I wanted--I wanted to be there. I wanted to feel it. I told myself it was about her, but it's you, Chandler. Only you." Joey kissed him and stroked his hair. "And you know, after Vegas, you said you were moving to her place, and I cried so much. I couldn't help it. Then we started this whole insurance thing, and it was so great when you said you'd stay another month with me. Then Carol and Susan started torturing us, but I actually liked it sometimes. It was nice being with you, and kissing you, and wondering if you wanted me too. But then I felt guilty about Monica, and maybe things were moving too fast, and maybe you were just confused, so I shouldn't take advantage. That's why I understand that you're afraid about me now, but you don't have to be, Chandler. I'm not confused, not anymore. If you want us to slow down, we can do that. Let's go on dates or something. Let's go out to a movie, or dinner--"

"No!" Chandler finally interrupted and pulled Joey closer. "No, let's just stay here. I like it here, Joe. I like--" He kissed Joey deeply to illustrate.

Joey broke it off and said, "I like it too, but we can't stay at home forever. The gang will wonder about us, you know? Besides, why can't we go out anymore? Why's it all right when we're being punished, but not now?"

Chandler looked anxious and jealous. "I just, I just don't want you to see some girl, and want her, and leave me--"

"I won't, Chandler. I promise I won't."

"But you will! Someday you will--"

"Chandler! Did you even listen to anything I said? I've wanted you for a long time. I've been waiting for this, and I'm not gonna let it go now."

Chandler frowned skeptically. "If, if you really felt all that, Joe, why didn't you make a move on me before? Why didn't you sneak into my bedroom one night, or stop chasing bridesmaids in London, or kiss me some other New Year's?"

"'Cause I didn't really know all my feelings yet, and I needed you to make a move and show me that you were really gay. Sometimes you were so... you know, but you kept denying it and not wanting me to kiss you. You'd get drunk and kiss everybody else, but never me. Plus, you were being all mean in London and acting like I embarrassed you so much. Like I'm not good enough for you or something." He sighed. "We fight like crazy sometimes, you know, but if you had just told me you were jealous of that bridesmaid, I would've ditched her in a second. I would've done anything you wanted."

"You would've?"

Joey nodded sincerely. "Yeah."

Chandler smiled and kissed him. "Show me," he whispered and pulled Joey closer. "Show me everything."

Joey recognized that tone of voice. "I don't mean just sex. I mean--"

But Chandler interrupted with a growl and suggested some exciting scenarios in Joey's ear, which made it difficult to concentrate on anything besides sex. Joey couldn't resist Chandler's nakedness either.

"Chandler, no. We can have sex any time--"

"Like now!" Chandler bit him and forcefully rolled Joey onto his back. He teased and licked and fondled until Joey began to cooperate, and even then he wouldn't let Joey have control of the sex. Chandler was demanding and insatiable, wanting to make the most of what he still feared would be "one last night" before Joey would leave him.

Joey bit his lip to keep from saying "I love you" again, knowing that he shouldn't repeat it until Chandler was prepared to hear it and believe it. So he just let Chandler be as aggressive as he liked, to show him that Joey still wanted him when he wasn't "feminine" or "submissive".

Suddenly wanting a change, Chandler even decided to switch bedrooms so that he could have the thrill of screwing Joey in Joey's own bed. They hurriedly ran right past the chick and the duck, who were watching TV in the living room; by now the birds were completely used to being left to themselves while their owners played naked games in private. So long as they were fed and entertained by the TV, they were fine.

"Oh God, are you ever gonna forgive me for this when you're straight again?"

Joey breathlessly tried to answer him, "Nothing to forgive. And I won't be strai--"

Chandler pounded into him more fiercely and stuffed a thumb into Joey's mouth, demanding that he suck it. Joey obeyed and arched backward to meet Chandler's thrusts. Chandler completely wore Joey out, and they collapsed on the bed with deep satisfaction.

* * *

The next morning, after Chandler had left for work, Joey woke up in his bed and felt the new ache inside his body. It was a good ache, though, and Joey thought he could get used to it just as much as Chandler could get used to his reciprocal aches. But then, Joey sat up and found a note on the night-stand.

In Chandler's handwriting, it read, "Thank you so much. If you don't come home tonight, I'll understand, Joe. But if you want to bring the girl here, please call me ahead of time so I can go stay at Phoebe's place or something. Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Joey sighed and realized that he still wasn't getting through. Maybe he really ought to get some advice from Carol and Susan now.


	20. Plans for the Weekend

Joey called Carol and Susan, who weren't home, so he left a message. "Hi, it's Joey. I, uh, I need to talk to you guys about something. It's about me and Chandler. We, um, uh... well, something happened. Can I see you guys? Soon?"

Then Joey hung up and sat there worrying. Now that he thought about it, he wasn't exactly sure how to explain the whole situation to them. Would the wives think that Joey had taken advantage of the fake marriage (and Chandler's vulnerability since Monica dumped him), just for sex? He couldn't take it if they too refused to believe that he loved Chandler.

With a frown, Joey reluctantly got up and left for his auditions for the day, trying to hope for the best.

Susan called back that afternoon, having got home early from a photo shoot. She could certainly guess what Joey's message was about and decided not to wait for Carol to come home from school. "Hello, Joey?"

"Yeah, Susan. Thanks for calling." He remembered their encounter at the door and became apologetic. "Listen, you guys aren't mad or anything about the other night, are you? I know we should have cancelled--"

"No, no, that's fine, Joey. Just, you know, don't make a habit of it. It was fun traipsing all over New York for your punishment, but we can't overuse our babysitters, especially since Ross is so busy with Phoebe nowadays."

"Right," Joey said. "Of course."

"Anyway, about your message, Joey--do you and Chandler wanna come over to our place tonight and talk about what's going on?"

Joey paused and sounded uncertain. "I, um, I don't know if he'll want to come, Susan. He doesn't like leaving home right now--because, because of Phase One, I mean."

"Right," Susan responded, "Phase One." She knew it was just an excuse, and could hear him nervously clearing his throat. "So I guess you don't want to leave Chandler alone right now?"

"No, I don't," Joey answered. "I think I should stay here with him, make sure he's okay. But, um, I still really need to talk stuff over and get your help... about this."

Susan felt impatient with his vagueness, but didn't want to push Joey into a confession if he didn't feel comfortable over the phone. So she offered, "Look, um, we're actually planning to come by this weekend for the com--for the baby shower for Phoebe. How about we stick around afterward and talk to you guys then?"

Joey was confused. "This weekend? Wait, Phoebe's pregnant already?"

"No one told you yet?"

Joey shook his head and felt awful. "No, um, I haven't seen anybody around for a week now. I thought they'd call if something important happened."

"Yes, but your phone line has been busy several times."

"Oh, um, yeah." Joey was embarrassed. "I forgot that. We should have put the answering machine on or something, but Chandler's been... distracted and not thinking."

"Well, that's--completely understandable, with Phase One and all. Anyway, Joey, the party's this weekend, and Rachel will probably come by soon to drop off your invitations. It's a coed baby shower, and we'd appreciate it if you could get Chandler to come to the party."

"Party? Are you sure? He's not in the mood for--"

"We know, but it's just that we worry about him shutting himself away from the whole gang so much. That's why we wanted Monica and Rachel to make the party coed. Just something small and non-threatening to get you guys together for a while. Besides, if you can get Chandler to go out shopping with you for baby gifts, it could make him focus on Ross and Phoebe instead of on any issues that he's going through right now."

Joey shrugged and considered it. "Yeah, I guess that could help some, but I'm not sure if I can talk him into it."

"Well, just try your best, Joey. If you can't get him to come shopping with you, let alone to the party, you guys can just chip in for the gifts that we're bringing. Whatever happens, I promise that after the party Carol and I will definitely come over to your apartment and have a nice long talk about everything."

"Thanks," Joey said. "I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome. We'll see you this weekend, okay?"

"Okay." Joey hung up and worried a little more. All this talk of a party caught him off guard. Was it really wise to have Monica and Chandler in the same room so soon after their breakup? And what else had he missed besides Phoebe's announcement of her pregnancy? Was she already packing up to move in with Ross?

Suddenly, Rachel knocked on the door and asked if she could come in.

"Yeah, it's open."

Rachel entered and smiled timidly. "Hi. Long time no see. It's just, you guys have been keeping your door locked lately."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that."

"And, um," she fidgeted and toyed with two invitations that she held in her hands. "Um, well, I--I came to tell you that Phoebe's officially pregnant now and..."

"Are those the invitations?"

"What?" she was surprised and confused.

"The invitations to the baby shower. I was just on the phone with Susan, and she told me about it."

"Oh! Geez. I wish I'd known that. Here." She handed over the invitations and cleared her throat. "I mean, uh, I know you guys will think it's weird to get invited to a baby shower, and we do know that it is so soon after Monica and Chandler's breakup, but we just--we miss you guys a lot and we'd like it if you could come. Anyway, in the invitations, Monica's listed the places where Ross and Phoebe are registered. You can pick any kind of baby gift to get them, but the main point is just to bring yourselves, okay? Ross and Phoebe will be glad just to see you guys again, and we all miss you both."

Joey nodded. "We miss you guys too. I'll try to get Chandler to come, if I can."

"Good. Well, we'll see you guys this weekend. Hopefully." Rachel hugged him briefly then hurried out the door, relieved that she'd managed to accomplish her task without too much difficulty.

"Now we just have to survive the baby shower/secret coming out party," she muttered under her breath as she returned to her and Monica's apartment. Rachel wondered if Chandler would actually come, or if she and Monica would have to go with Carol and Susan's Plan B: breaking the news to Chandler in private, after the party.

* * *

Monica came home from the store with supplies for the party, and she kissed Rachel before putting the bags down in the kitchen. "Hey, sweetie."

"Hey, Mon." Rachel helped her put away the food and other stuff.

Monica asked, somewhat nervously, "So, did you invite them yet?"

Rachel nodded. "Yeah."

"How was it?" She had wanted to help Rachel deliver the invitations, but they had agreed not to risk it, in case Chandler came home unexpectedly and reacted badly to seeing her. Monica could certainly understand it if Chandler had been brooding on their breakup for a week, and then exploded furiously as soon as he learned that they had invited him over for a party.

Rachel shrugged and said, "It was okay. At least Chandler didn't show up. I don't know if I could have faced him, with all this guilt, you know?"

"I know, sweetie." Monica hugged her, and they went to sit down on the couch.

Rachel laid her head on Monica's shoulder and continued, "Well, so I spoke to Joey. The door wasn't locked this time, and he didn't seem cold or anything. But then again, he doesn't know that I'm the one you left Chandler for. Anyway, I started announcing Phoebe's pregnancy, but then it turned out that he already knew because he'd just been on the phone with Susan, who told him all about the baby shower."

"She did?"

"Yeah, I called her afterward to ask about that, and she said that Joey had called her about, uh, returning their books or something, and she went ahead and told him about the baby shower. You know, just to help us convince Joey to bring Chandler."

"Oh. So are they coming?"

"I don't know. He said he'd try to get Chandler to come, but nothing definite. I'm sure he can't make this decision until he talks to Chandler about it."

Monica nodded. "Yeah, and if Chandler doesn't want to go, Joey will surely want to stay home and comfort him that night. We may have to go with Plan B after all."

"Yeah, it looks like it." She shrugged and tried to be cheerful. "And hey, if they don't come, we'll only have to tell Ross and Phoebe at first, and they'll at least be in a good mood about their baby, you know? But then we'll have to go across the hall and break the news to Chandler and Joey too. Susan said they'll be expecting her and Carol to drop by anyway, which makes it easier to tag along I guess."

Monica hugged Rachel closer. "It just seems so soon, though. I broke up with him last week, and now I'm throwing a baby shower, so I can ambush him with, 'Oh, by the way, I didn't leave you for a man. I left you for Rachel.' God! I just know he's gonna freak out so bad."

Rachel kissed her comfortingly. "But then he'll get better, honey! He'll get better, even if he has to smoke a lot and yell and even, you know, vent all his resentment of his gay dad on us. But the important thing is we're gonna face him, together." She squeezed Monica's hand.

"Together," Monica nodded. "If only we could do it some other time, though! Maybe after he's had a month or so..."

Rachel shook her head. "No, no, you heard Carol and Susan! We can't put it off too long, and besides, do we want to keep our relationship a secret too, like you and Chandler did after London? It's better to be completely honest, in case any part of him is still hoping to get back together with you, like Ross was with Carol, and with me. We have to do this."

Monica sighed and agreed, "We have to." They kissed again, then got up to get started on dinner.


	21. Trying to Communicate

Chandler got home from work and was surprised to see Joey in the kitchen, cooking something. "Joe? You're--you're home."

"Yeah," he answered. "I'm just making some dinner for us."

"Us? You mean you and your date? But I thought you'd call if--"

"I mean you and me, Chandler. There's no date."

Chandler still hesitated by the door, apparently unable to understand him. "Are you going out later, then? When the nightclubs open?"

Stifling the urge to get angry, Joey took his hand and pulled him close, making sure that Chandler noticed the wedding ring still on his finger. "No, I'm staying right here."

"Why? Last night you said you wanted to go out. Not stay home anymore."

"I wanted to go out with you, Chandler. Not some girl."

"It's okay if you go. I don't want to hold you back--"

"Chandler, listen to me! I wanna stay with you. I just do. Unless you wanna piss me off and spoil your chances for sex tonight, don't argue with me."

Catching his breath at the thought of another intimate night together, Chandler said nothing further.

Joey sighed and kissed him lightly, then let go and concentrated on his cooking again. "And as for that note you left me this morning--" he grimaced at the memory of it, "--don't do that again, ever. If you've got something to say to me, you wake me up and say it."

"I'm--I'm sorry." Chandler shrugged. "But you just looked so peaceful there, and I'd worn you out last night."

Joey nodded and smiled a little. "Yeah, I know. In fact, you might have to go easy on me tonight."

Chandler frowned with concern. "Did I hurt you? Is, is that why you're staying home tonight? Oh, I'm sorry! I got carried away--"

"Chandler! What did I tell you about arguing with me?" Then he exhaled and spoke less sharply. "For your information, last night was good." Joey kissed him again. "Very good. It was just new for me, that's all. We'll take it slow tonight, okay?"

"O-kay." Chandler stood there and met his eyes uncertainly. He didn't comprehend "slow" anymore, not when it came to them having sex. In fact, for the past week, they almost always made out the moment that Chandler came home, then made a mad dash for Chandler's bedroom, forgetting entirely about dinner until hours later, when their growling stomachs urged them to get out of bed and either order some fast food or snack on some leftovers.

Joey wanted a real dinner tonight, and real conversation. Their relationship had to be about more than just sex and comfort, didn't it? He hoped so. Stirring the food he was cooking, Joey said to Chandler, "Hey, dinner's almost ready. Why don't you go get changed out of that suit and then set the table for me?"

"Oh. Okay." Chandler shrugged and headed for his bedroom, while Joey finished cooking and wished that they were more like a regular couple.

* * *

So the guys sat down to dinner at the foosball table, and Chandler had to admit that the pasta tasted better than all the junk food they'd been having lately. "Mmm, good." He accidentally got some of the sauce on the side of his mouth.

Joey hesitated a moment before reaching over and wiping off the sauce with his thumb.

Chandler met his eyes and sucked the thumb into his mouth, clearly hungry for more than just the sauce.

Joey almost leaned in and kissed him, before he opted for restraint and pulled his hand back. He coughed and said, "Hey, did you know that Phoebe's pregnant now?"

"She is?" Chandler blinked. "Wow. Ross works fast."

"Yeah, apparently. I don't even know that much about it really. It just happened sometime last week, and I only heard the news today. Nobody told us before because, you know, we've been locking the door, not answering the phone, and never going out."

"Oh."

"Anyway, Phoebe's even having a baby shower this weekend." Joey tried to sound casual about it. "So I figure that we should go and get them to tell us all about it."

"To a baby shower? Isn't that a girls-only thing?"

Joey shrugged. "Yeah, but Carol and Susan wanted to make it coed because it's been so long since we've seen the gang. What with this last week, and our month of punishment before... I guess they think it would be good for us."

"Oh." Chandler stared down at his plate in uneasy silence, then asked quietly, "Is Monica gonna be there?"

Joey frowned worriedly. "Would it bother you?"

"Of course it would!" He put down his fork and looked rather upset. "I mean, she dumped me a week ago! She cheated on me and dumped me! I don't wanna see her now!"

"Chandler, shh! It's all right." Joey got up and went over to embrace him. He knelt close to Chandler's chair and kissed his cheek, brushing his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry, I should have known. I just thought--well, you haven't even talked about her since that night you said you wanted to find someone else. A soul mate."

Chandler calmed somewhat and put his head against Joey's shoulder. "Yeah, but I don't wanna see her, Joe. Maybe the others, but not her. It's too soon."

"Right," Joey nodded. "So we'll stay home, then. It's okay."

"Thank you," Chandler whispered, clinging to his arms. "Um, if you want to, you can go without me. If you miss seeing the gang, I wouldn't mind--"

"No, no," Joey shook his head and kissed him softly. "I'd miss you more."

Chandler looked at him as if trying to decide whether to believe Joey or not. To avoid an argument, he just said, "Thanks," and returned the kiss.

Joey stopped Chandler from becoming too passionate, then pulled back from him breathlessly. "Um, we should--we should finish dinner before it gets cold."

Chandler was disappointed, but hungry. "Okay."

With all the willpower he could muster, Joey stood up and returned to his own chair.

They resumed eating for a while, and Chandler kept stabbing his fork into the pasta. Finally he said, "Um, can you tell them for me, Joe? Tell everybody I'm sorry. If it were a better time, or Monica wasn't there... I mean, maybe we could go to Phoebe's sonogram, or something?"

"Yeah," Joey smiled encouragingly. "Yeah, maybe we could help Phoebe move to Ross's apartment, or put together some baby furniture."

"Sure, that--that sounds okay. How soon are they gonna start doing that stuff?"

"I don't know. I haven't talked to them yet. You wanna call them and ask?"

Chandler frowned and hesitated. "Right now? Maybe they're having dinner too, or hanging out with Monica and Rachel. I think--I think you should go see them in person, Joe. Ask them if they can make sure that Monica doesn't come when we're coming. You know?"

Joey understood Chandler's reluctance to see his ex-girlfriend, but didn't like him being so withdrawn from the rest of the gang. It really wasn't healthy. "Okay," he shrugged. "I guess I could catch them at Central Perk or at one of their apartments tomorrow. Ross is still teaching at NYU, right?"

"Yeah, unless something else happened that we didn't hear about. You could catch him before or after his class," he suggested.

Joey nodded and squeezed his left hand. "Hey, don't worry about it, Chandler. Rachel told me that everybody misses us, so I'm sure we could work something out."

"They really miss us?" Chandler seemed surprised.

"Of course! Don't you miss them too?"

Chandler shrugged and sounded bitter. "I guess I just thought they'd all be busy making friends with Monica's new boyfriend by now."

"What? They'd never forget about you like that!"

"Well, they forgot about Kip after he broke up with Monica. We all did. Besides, what if this new guy is all cool and charming like Richard?" He frowned. "What if it is Richard? Did you hear who he is yet?"

Joey shook his head. "Uh, no, Rachel didn't even mention the guy to me. Neither did Susan. Do you want me to ask about him?"

Chandler thought about it, then finally decided, "No. I'd rather hate him anonymously, without knowing what a macho, hot, sophisticated stud he is. Listen, Joe, if you somehow meet him tomorrow, can you please try not to like him? At least, not more than me?"

"Are you kidding, Chandler? I'd never like him more than you!"

"You haven't met him yet."

"I don't need to meet him. You're--you're better than anybody." He squeezed Chandler's hand again and gave him a very firm, loving kiss.


	22. Something Real

After Joey kissed him, Chandler stared into his eyes for a moment, before he felt an attack of conscience. He blushed and looked down at his plate sadly. "I wish... I hope you don't really hate me when this is over. When you're straight, and you remember what we did--"

"Chandler, stop it!" Joey pressed their foreheads together in frustration and sorrow. "Why won't you believe me? What am I doing wrong?"

Wincing, Chandler swallowed and shook his head. "It's not you. It's me. I-I was so selfish! I asked you to marry me, and I-I tricked you."

"You didn't trick me! I signed those forms--"

"No!" Chandler interrupted. "Not that. I mean, um--" He choked with guilt and continued in a whisper, "Remember how we weren't supposed to have any porn? On the third day, when I was typing up notes on my laptop, I realized that I could download some porn for us. It's not as good as having all our videos, but we could make do for a month, right? Only, I never told you about that, Joe, because I didn't want you to, um... to _spill_ stuff on the keyboard and ruin my computer. But that's crap anyway, 'cause I should have just printed out some pictures for us. I made some other excuses too, like 'Carol and Susan will catch us if we're online. Or Joey will never be able to keep it a secret. Or we'll look too satisfied, and give ourselves away.' Junk like that."

Joey blinked and sat back. "You mean--?"

"Yes! I deprived us for three weeks, Joe! For nothing. I couldn't help it somehow, and you know, you never suggested searching Monica's apartment again, so I thought maybe you'd forgotten about all the porn and were doing okay by yourself. Sometimes I forgot too, with all the kissing and the sex dreams. But then you actually came onto me, out of the blue. At first I resisted because of Monica, but then I gave in and we went to bed anyway. And after that, I wanted you so badly. All the time." He gulped again. "And now... now we've done all this, and you think you love me, but that's not true. It's not real. I just made you get desperate and want me. I tricked you into this!"

Joey shook his head and reached for him. "Chandler, no! It's not like that!"

"It is! It's my fault." He shrank away from Joey's touch and felt deeply ashamed of himself.

"No!" Joey answered. "I told you, Chandler, I've wanted you for a long time. Not just this last month."

Chandler wouldn't believe him. "No, that's just what you think now, Joe. But you're gonna hate me when you're back to normal. You'll hate me and never forgive me!" He broke down into tears.

Getting up, Joey went around the table again, but this time he moved Chandler over so that they were sitting on Chandler's chair together. In fact, he pulled Chandler onto his lap and hugged him close, trying to hush his sobs.

"Hey! Come on! I've seen you downloading porn lots of times, you know. Did you think I'd just forget that, Chandler? You didn't trick me. I knew, and I didn't say anything either."

"You didn't?" Chandler calmed somewhat and stared at him bewilderedly. "But--but you were desperate. You said--"

"I lied. I just needed an excuse to touch you, to hit on you without making you freak out. I didn't know if you were gonna say yes or not, but I needed an excuse to back off if you didn't want me too."

"You mean, you--you tricked me too?"

Blinking, Joey shrugged and looked apologetic. "Yeah, I guess so. I'm sorry. I mean, when you said no, I was disappointed, but I stopped and hoped that you could forgive me for it. But then you started talking about Monica, and you invited me to your room... I just couldn't help myself. I wanted you so much."

Chandler met Joey's eyes searchingly. "Are you sure you didn't really want Monica?"

"I'm sure." Joey leaned in and nuzzled Chandler's neck. "This is what I wanted."

Chandler didn't know what to say, so he just sank into Joey's arms and enjoyed the tender way that Joey rubbed his back.

Joey finally spoke up again, with a half smile. "Chandler, do you wanna know why I thought you didn't mention the internet porn? I thought you just wanted to spend more time with me. I thought you missed me like I've been missing you since--well, ever since London, really. I thought you didn't care about the porn if it meant that we had more time to be together, all alone." He kissed Chandler softly. "I really loved having you around here for one more month, you know? It was like old times, before you and Monica got together. It was you and me, inseparable again. If I had to be your husband to get that much attention from you, that was fine with me. It was better than fine." He clasped their hands together, letting their wedding rings touch again. "That was how I started realizing how I really feel about you."

Chandler wanted to believe in Joey's sincerity, but still had lingering doubts. "But you've been with girls so long, Joe. How could you, how could you be gay all of a sudden?"

"But it's not all of the sudden! Not really. There were plenty of signs that I told you about last night, that I ignored until now." He sighed. "Man, how blind could I be, huh? I mean, I even--" With an awkward pause, Joey decided to admit the full truth. "Hey, um, do you remember getting a prank phone call every Wednesday for months?"

"Wednesday? Wh--" Then the light suddenly dawned on Chandler, but it shocked him. "That was you?"

Joey nodded and spoke in a falsetto voice, "I love you, Mr. Bing." Then he coughed and returned to his normal voice, looking embarrassed and guilty. "Yeah, that was me, Chandler. At first I only did it as a prank, wanting to make you think that Janice had found out you weren't in Yemen and was stalking you. But then I kept doing it, week after week. Before I knew it, months had gone by, and I still couldn't stop myself, especially after I found out that you and Monica were dating. I just had to call you every week, and I never asked myself why. I guess--I guess I just needed to hear your voice, the way you'd react when I said it. Not that you ever said you loved me back. Not even when you were flirting with me."

Chandler swallowed and remembered that flirtation. "At first... those first few Wednesdays, I thought you might be a secret admirer or something. I was flattered, and you didn't really sound like Janice, so I figured it was safe. I wanted to know who you were, but you'd never say your name or let me meet you somewhere. After I realized it was a prank, I was so disappointed and couldn't understand why you kept tormenting me, even when I said I had a girlfriend now."

Joey frowned and realized how much he'd hurt Chandler with his prank. "I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do. I just couldn't admit the truth to your face or to myself, not back then. Not when I couldn't be sure how you felt too. It's easier to tell myself that you're just my roommate than to worry about whether we'd ever be more than that. Whether this could be love."

Pondering that for a moment, Chandler asked hesitantly, "Could this be, Joe? Could it be love?"

Joey caressed his cheek and nodded. "If you let it be. If you'd just believe how I feel about you."

Chandler frowned and laid his head against Joey's shoulder. "I-I don't know. What if this is a mistake?"

"I don't think it is. I think we could be great together. Don't you want to find out if we could?" When Chandler didn't answer, Joey sighed and remembered what he hadn't mentioned yet, "Look, maybe it would help if we talked to Carol and Susan. Do you mind if we tell them about us and ask them what they think?"

Chandler looked up at him warily. "Really? You want to tell them?"

"Yeah! I don't mind. Just like I don't mind all the people at your office thinking we're married. I just hope Carol and Susan can give us some advice, tell us whether they think this happened only because of the fake marriage. I hope not, but I know that maybe we rushed things, Chandler, especially with you getting over Monica. I don't wanna be just some rebound relationship."

Chandler looked surprised by that last word. "When have you ever wanted a relationship, period?"

Joey looked hurt. "I wanted one with Kate. Now I want one with you."

Remembering Joey's intense feelings for the actress Kate Miller, and how Joey had done some rather out of character things, such as watching Kate sleep and crying after she rejected him, Chandler realized that maybe it wasn't the fake marriage that made Joey act so sweet and loving lately.

So Chandler kissed him softly and admitted, "I-I want one too. I want something real."

Joey smiled and hugged him closer. "Good. So, can we have Carol and Susan come over here to talk with us? Maybe after Phoebe's baby shower on Saturday, they could come see us."

Chandler shrugged and looked uncertain. "But what if they tell the gang about us?"

"I'm sure we could ask them to keep things secret from Ross and everybody. Is it okay if they just come by?" He sincerely hoped that Chandler wouldn't say no to this, because he'd have to cancel the plans with Susan, or meet her alone, or something else. He would rather get things out in the open as much as possible.

Seeing Joey's pleading eyes, Chandler melted and decided that it wouldn't be so bad to see Carol and Susan; he'd been willing to invite them to keep him company during Phase One, after all, when he was likely to be drunk and crying. "Okay. It's better than talking to my dad, I guess. And we could return their books too." He pointed to the pile of gay/lesbian books that they still had.

Joey nodded and looked relieved. "Sure." He gave Chandler another tender kiss before he returned to his chair on the other side of the table.


	23. Making Love

Sitting on their couch after dinner, Rachel had Monica's legs in her lap and was rubbing her bare feet lovingly, but she noticed that Monica wasn't relaxing at all. "You still worried about Saturday, honey?"

Monica nodded and frowned anxiously. "Yeah. I was just thinking, the two of us couldn't have picked two worse guys to have as exes, could we?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Chandler was traumatized by his parents' divorce, and his dad becoming a drag queen in Vegas. And Ross, you know, became a jealous freak after Carol left him for Susan. Both of them have already had gay people mess up their lives, and now we're just dumping on top of that."

"But sweetie, Ross has a good relationship with Carol now, and Susan too. As for Chandler... well, he doesn't exactly have any relationship with his dad as far as I know, but it's not like he was insanely prejudiced against Carol and Susan, or all the lesbians at their wedding."

"I'm just afraid that this will send him over the deep end. Like Ross and his third marriage."

"But Mon, think about how Ross is behaving now. After our Vegas wedding and his lying to me about the annulment, I thought he went over the deep end and might need years of therapy to recover. But ever since he and Phoebe have made plans to be parents together, he has been so great. So loving, and kind, and mentally stable... It's like he's a whole new man. Actually, he's more like the old, sweet Ross I used to know when we were dating."

Monica raised her eyebrows. "You don't want to go back to him, do you?"

"What? Oh, no, no!" Rachel kissed her lover reassuringly. "I meant how sweet Ross was at the beginning of our relationship, before Mark and all the ugly paranoia kicked in. I have not forgotten that, believe me. I love you now, Mon. I really do. My point was that Ross is getting over his madness nowadays. He's recovering, all because of Phoebe and their coming baby. I think that maybe Ross was trying to hold onto me so desperately because he was afraid he'd never have someone to love again; that he'd never have the family that he wanted with Carol."

"Yeah, he does seem very happy now," Monica agreed.

"Right! So, even if Chandler goes over the deep end after we tell him about us, there's always hope that he'll recover again. We can, like, set him up with women so that he can be happy again. Or, if he's not ready for a new relationship yet, Joey can take him to strip clubs and singles bars. Or maybe he'd respond to therapy, or even Janice, if she's available. Whatever it takes, Mon."

Monica came closer and hugged her. "You really think there's hope?"

"Absolutely." Rachel kissed her and patted Monica's thigh.

Monica sighed and put her head on Rachel's shoulder, "You always know what to say, Rach. I'm so lucky to have you."

Rachel smiled and brushed the hair back from her face. "And I'm lucky to have you! I wish we had got together years ago. Then we could have skipped all those disastrous relationships with Barry, and Paolo, and Ross, and Joshua."

"And Ethan, and Fun Bobby, and Pete, and Chandler."

"You don't want to put Richard on that list?"

"Well, everything would have worked there, except for him not wanting kids."

Rachel pouted. "Now you're making me jealous of Richard!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Monica hugged her. "I'm over him now, I swear. I told you, I felt nothing for Richard even when I was with Chandler."

"Well, good! And for your information, I'm okay with us having kids later. Although we'll need a man, or a sperm bank, to help us out with that."

"That's fine with me!" Monica smiled. "Hey, I know something we can do without a man, or a sperm bank."

Rachel laughed and kissed her, then they got off the couch and raced each other to Monica's bedroom this time. When they got on the bed, they started to undress each other.

"Hey, wait," Monica spoke nostalgically, "remember our first night together?"

"How could I forget? It was less than a month ago, and it was a very hot night."

"Yes, it was! I never did anything like that before."

"You could have fooled me! You were a natural."

Monica kissed her and lay back against the pillows sexily. "Really?"

Rachel nodded. "Really. Oh, I can remember it now... The locksmith had left, and you showed me your secret closet." She spanked Monica playfully. "I couldn't believe you'd been holding out on me so long, you sneaky girl! I said with a gasp, 'You're messy, Monica! And you complain about my messes!' You kept trying to tell me that it was only stuff that didn't belong in any category, but I saw through your excuses. I said, 'Admit it! You're just a messy, dirty girl like me, and we have more in common than most people think.'"

Monica laughed. "Dirty girls."

"Yeah." Rachel leaned in and kissed her nose, whispering, "We're just a couple of dirty girls."

"Yeah."

Rachel continued the story. "You were embarrassed, so you locked up your messy closet again and told me that you were gonna go to sleep. I knew you weren't tired, though, so I followed you to your room and kept teasing you about the mess. You tried to push me out the door, but I tickled you and you shrieked. You tried to fight me off, but we kept tickling and wrestling until we landed on your bed together."

Monica nodded and pulled Rachel against her body. "We were this close, and our eyes met... And then I got embarrassed again and pulled away from you. I said, 'I'm sorry. I've just, you know, been very horny lately, without Chandler.'"

"Yeah, then I said, 'I understand, but you have to be strong, Monica.' You said you were still very mad at him, especially now that he and Joey had searched our apartment for the porn. You said you weren't gonna forgive Chandler yet, but it was still very hard to wait a whole month, so I asked you if my erotic novels and vibrator were helping you. You said it wasn't quite the same as having someone, and I said it depends on the someone. Some guys do it so badly that I'd prefer a vibrator and my own hands."

Monica laughed out loud. "Then we started talking about various guys we'd done it with, but I made you promise not to tell me anything about you and Ross."

"Not that I wanted to talk about Ross! After that whole annulment fiasco, I was certainly ready to forget him, no matter how good he was at sex."

"Rachel!"

"Sorry." She kissed Monica apologetically. "And then we started talking about what we liked sexually, and the perfect kiss, and we were both getting horny. And we joked about being dirty girls, and I told you how I made out with Melissa at my sorority luau, and things got all sweaty, and blurry..."

Monica nodded. "And then you kissed me. I wondered if I should stop this, because I was only on a break from Chandler, but then I thought, it didn't really count. It was just fooling around with a girlfriend, like you did with Melissa, and Mindy at camp. And then we just kept kissing and kissing, and I couldn't think about anything anymore."

"Me neither," Rachel said softly, then kissed Monica deeply and started to slide off her panties now. "Oh, Mon, I'm so glad we decided that we weren't just fooling around anymore. I couldn't take it if I had to give you up ever."

"I couldn't give you up either." Monica stroked her blond hair and kissed her shoulder, meanwhile reaching around to unhook her bra.

* * *

After clearing away the dinner dishes, Joey and Chandler left the TV on for the birds, then went to Joey's bedroom together.

"Is it all right?" Joey asked, holding onto Chandler's hand tightly.

Chandler was nervous. "Just for tonight?"

Joey nodded. "Yeah, just for tonight. Just to try it. See what it feels like."

"O-okay," he spoke reluctantly, trying to be brave.

Joey kissed him, and they sat down on the bed. Watching Chandler's eyes the whole time, he removed both their wedding rings and placed them aside on the nightstand.

Chandler felt awful; he hadn't parted with his ring since he bought it a month ago, and it was almost like a security blanket.

Joey hugged him reassuringly and whispered in his ear, "It was just a ring, Chandler. A ring for a fake marriage. This," he kissed Chandler softly, "this is real."

"Are you sure? I--" his words were cut off by another kiss.

Joey pulled him closer and kissed him passionately. They started to undress each other, a ritual that had become automatic for them after a week of sleeping together.

Once they were naked, they got under the covers and started making love in earnest. Chandler moaned softly and closed his eyes, amazed that Joey still wanted to touch him, even after his confession at dinner. He had feared that Joey would hate him, but he wasn't upset at all.

Joey slowly stroked Chandler's erection and offered, "You wanna do me again?"

Chandler shook his head, not feeling that he could do that to Joey two nights in a row. He didn't want to push his luck. "No, do me tonight. I want you." He kissed Joey and then rolled over to his accustomed position, on his knees.

Joey frowned and turned him back over with a kiss. "Hey, can't we do it face to face this time?"

"Face to face?" Chandler raised his eyebrows.

"I wanna keep kissing you. I wanna see your face when we're together."

Chandler shrugged and said, "If you want to."

"I do." Joey wished that he'd show more enthusiasm for this idea, but whenever they had coupled this past week, Chandler was more interested in sex and comfort than romance and love. Joey wanted to make tonight special and different, if he could.

So he propped up Chandler's butt with a couple of pillows, then moved in close between his legs. It didn't take much preparation to open up Chandler anymore, but Joey still took his time, so that he could linger on kissing and teasing Chandler tenderly.

"Mmm, Joey..." He completely relaxed as Joey spread lube all around and inside his hole. His body was hot with anticipation, and he started stroking himself.

"Open your eyes," Joey said, as he put on a condom. "Look at me."

Chandler wasn't sure why it mattered, but then Joey started to enter him, leaning over him and meeting his eyes intensely. Chandler blushed and felt Joey's steady gaze burning into him; he felt nervous somehow, as if he were losing his virginity again. The eye contact made what they were doing seem very real, and he realized that Joey wasn't pretending that he was screwing a girl; Joey truly saw him and felt him and wanted him. Had this been true every night they were intimate?

Joey pushed deeper and deeper into him, then kissed him and pushed his tongue inside as well. The combined sensations made Chandler gasp and tremble, realizing how closely joined they were. Then Joey shifted his weight and started to move, still covering Chandler in kisses. But they found the angle of penetration awkward, so Joey confined himself to making shallow thrusts while he reached to wrap Chandler's legs around him.

After adjusting their positions for comfort and pleasure, Joey ended the kisses and pulled backward to meet Chandler's eyes again. Now he thrust harder and faster, aiming for Chandler's prostate with a fiery passion.

Gasping again, Chandler clung to Joey's shoulders and started to understand that Joey was saying "I love you" without words. Joey was showing him that this wasn't some temporary lust arising from convenience; this was a real, meaningful love, built on all their years together as friends and roommates... and now lovers.

"Joey! Ohh!" He also recalled Joey's confessions about his secret crush and prank phone calls.

Joey grunted and had to close his eyes now as the sensations became more intense. He was almost there, and so was Chandler, judging by his moaning and writhing.

Chandler was overwhelmed by the emotional intimacy that he felt with Joey; they weren't even wearing their wedding rings now, and that realization sent him over the edge. He cried out incoherently, and his clenching muscles sparked off Joey's climax as well.

After the crash, they collapsed together. Then Joey blinked and looked up at Chandler's face again, trying to catch his breath and speak.

Chandler spoke first. "I... I love you too."

Amazed and happy, Joey kissed him with all his heart.


	24. The Coming Out Party

Joey and Chandler made love for hours that night; it wasn't just sex anymore, it meant something now. They kept kissing and confessing their love to each other, as if they couldn't get enough of sharing those precious words. Joey felt very happy that Chandler finally believed him and returned his feelings.

"I was, I was just so scared before," Chandler whispered. "Scared that you'd hate me later."

"I know." Joey hugged him close in the darkness.

"And everybody else I ever loved, they left me. I just--I couldn't take it again. Believing in you, and losing you too."

"You won't, Chandler. I'm here for good, okay?"

"Okay." He sighed and repeated for the millionth time, "I love you."

"I love you too." They held each other and fell asleep at last.

When they woke up the next morning, they were still in love, and Chandler made no attempt to leave a note or say "Thank you" like had on other mornings. He just said "I love you" again and agreed that they would date and be a real couple now.

But as Chandler got dressed for work, he had to put on his wedding ring again. Some doubts returned, and he asked Joey, "Y-you sure you want us to date exclusively?"

"I'm sure." Joey kissed him and pulled him close. "I won't cheat on you, Chandler. Never."

"But you haven't had any practice at monogamy yet. Maybe you need some time to get used to--"

Joey shook his head and squeezed Chandler's hand. "What do you think I've been doing this past month, huh? We've been married, and have you seen me chasing after girls? No. You and me weren't even having sex then, but I was here, with you. The whole time."

Chandler nodded and apologized for doubting him. "I'm sorry. I just, I get afraid."

"I know." Joey hugged him tighter.

After a silence, Chandler said, "Um, come to my office again. We should have lunch, and, and maybe ask them all for wedding presents or something."

Joey laughed and nodded. "Sure, I'll wear my ring then, and I'll tell your boss Doug to stop being so obnoxious, or we'll report him for sexual harassment, because he kept slapping your butt."

Chandler laughed too and kissed him lovingly. He sighed and hated to leave Joey's arms just yet.

Joey said, "I'll see you, then. Oh, and I better talk to Ross and Phoebe about the baby shower thing."

"Right. Tell them we'll see them some other time, I guess. And um, when Carol and Susan come over, we should ask them how to tell everybody about us, okay?"

"Okay." Joey was so happy that everything would be out in the open soon. Then Monica couldn't be smug about her new boyfriend, because she'd see that Chandler had moved on as well.

* * *

That morning, Joey went to talk to Ross at NYU. It was just after his class ended, and many paleontology students were filing out of the lecture room. Joey had to wait for the crowds to thin, then he finally entered the room.

But to his surprise, Joey caught Ross and Phoebe making out on the desk at the front of the room. "Ross?"

They broke away from each other and looked embarrassed.

Phoebe blushed and stammered, "J-Joey! What, what are you doing here?"

Ross said, "Phoebe was just--um, hormones, you know? She's pregnant."

"Uh, yeah, I heard about that," Joey said with a smile. "Congratulations!"

"Thank you," they answered, and accepted his hugs nervously. They kept glancing at each other with guilt and wished they could be making out again.

Joey explained, "Uh, Chandler's happy for you too, and we're sorry we haven't seen you guys much lately."

"Oh that's all right," Ross dismissed it. "Everybody's busy sometimes."

Phoebe glanced at him as if she wanted to "get busy" right now.

Joey obliviously continued, "Yeah. Anyway, Rachel told us about your baby shower, but we can't go. Chandler just doesn't feel comfortable being around Monica yet, you know? So we thought instead that we could do other stuff, like help you move into Ross's place or something. As long as Monica's not there too."

"Oh, sure, we could do that. Just as long as we get to see you guys sometime."

Phoebe added, "I've already sort of started moving my stuff over to Ross's place, but we're still trying to figure out what to do with my apartment because Rachel said she's not moving out of Monica's anymore. Maybe I'll sublet it or something."

"Yeah," Ross agreed. "But we will be buying some baby furniture soon, so we'll call you guys to help put that stuff together."

"Great," Joey said and hugged them again. "We'll be there." He started to leave and wave goodbye to them.

Ross and Phoebe almost immediately started kissing again but had to break apart when Joey turned around.

"Oh, and we'll probably chip in for presents with Carol and Susan, so they'll bring those to the shower for us, okay?"

"Okay," Ross said nervously. "Bye. Tell Chandler hi for us."

"Sure. Bye." Joey finally walked away, and they waited until he walked out the door.

Then Phoebe pounced on Ross again.

Ross said, "You, you really gotta stop coming to my lectures, Pheebs. My students will see us together."

"So what if you're making out with the mother of your unborn child? It's better than the scene Rachel caused when she found out you guys were still married."

"I guess so." They started kissing again.

* * *

On Friday night, Monica and Rachel had their first coming out party at Carol and Susan's place, so that no one from the gang would know about it. Tonight's party would serve as a sort of dress rehearsal for tomorrow's baby shower, where the couple would come out to their friends and ex-lovers.

Carol and Susan had invited a mix of their gay, lesbian, and bisexual friends to the party. Some of the guests were couples, while others were single; some were young, while others were middle-aged or older. Everyone was friendly and supportive, wanting to make Monica and Rachel feel welcome in the community.

Fred asked, "Is it true that you two were so scared to ask for advice directly, that you sent your neighbors to ask for you?" They had all been told that Joey and Chandler, the original guests of honor for the coming out party, had only pretended to be gay to cover for Monica and Rachel.

Monica and Rachel nodded nervously, but Carol answered for them, "Well, they are all very close friends, really, and Monica has a very critical mother who's never approved of her. I know, 'cause she was my mother-in-law!"

A wise and kindly woman named Miriam observed, "It does get rather complicated when you're in the closet, doesn't it? Keeping secrets and living a false life and coming to terms with yourself all at once. You try so hard to live up to other people's expectations for you that you forget to think about living your own life and being happy."

Susan nodded. "Yes, that's part of why we're having this party, so that Monica and Rachel can see that coming out should be a good thing, not a stressful and traumatic one."

"It's a great idea!" said Fred's partner George, who had already drunk quite a bit of punch. "It's festive, and I think we should do it all the time. Ooh, my favorite song!" George pulled Fred over towards the stereo and enthusiastically started to dance to the music.

Everyone laughed and some couples decided to start dancing too. Rachel joked to Monica that Fred and George reminded her a little bit of Joey and Chandler.

Susan overheard them and remarked, "Yes, I wouldn't be at all surprised if Joey and Chandler turned out to be gay too."

Carol nudged her wife in the ribs for speaking too plainly, but Monica and Rachel suspected nothing, being used to the running joke that Joey and Chandler sometimes seemed closer than friends.

After more dancing and socializing, Carol and Susan announced that it was time for party games. For the first game, everyone had to tell the funniest or wackiest coming out story that they personally experienced or heard from other people. It was a very lively game, and Monica and Rachel had to judge whose story was the best.

By the time that Monica and Rachel selected the winner, they were feeling very relaxed and comfortable, so Carol suggested that it was time to hear the story of how they fell in love. "It doesn't have to be funny or wacky. Just tell us how you knew you loved each other."

So Rachel took Monica's hand and began, "Well, um, I guess we've always loved each other, deep down. We've been friends since we were six years old, and we grew up together. She knew me when I had my old nose, and I knew her when she was a lot heavier." She discreetly avoided mentioning the exact weight.

Monica said, "We were always there for each other, until we drifted apart after high school."

"Yeah, see, I-I got all caught up with those shallow rich girls that I met at college, and then I got engaged to Barry, this orthodontist guy. Everyone kept saying that this was my destiny, this was the life I was meant for, but on my wedding day I got cold feet and I ran. I just ran like crazy, and I went to Monica, and she helped me through it. She was so great; she took me in, she--she taught me how to follow my own heart and live my own life. It was like we'd never been apart. It was like she knew the real me."

Monica kissed her lovingly, "And you--you were there for me too. Whenever I needed to talk about my crappy love life or my job or my mother, you were there. And then that one time, when we kissed for a minute, because of the apartment switching with Joey and Chandler, I-I felt something. I liked kissing you a lot, and I got scared, and tried to hide my feelings from you. I panicked about whether I was ever gonna get married, especially with Ross getting engaged to Emily all of the sudden. I wore Emily's wedding dress and pretended we were playing brides again, like when we were little girls. And you know, in London, I got so drunk and depressed that I slept with Chandler and started this secret affair with him. I was so dumb."

"Oh, Mon," Rachel hugged her, "what about me? Going to London to stop Ross's wedding, like some crazy fool. But as soon as he divorced Emily, all my feelings for him went away, like nothing. It was just a memory, like when I slept with Barry again, just because of the history and the familiarity. Even though I knew better, I tried to do it again by marrying Ross in Vegas a couple of months ago, but it was just another dumb mistake. You're the Geller I belong with."

Monica had tears in her eyes. "Rachel... when you told me those stories about kissing your friends at camp and in college, and you kissed me again, it felt so right. And when we made love, and I woke up next to you, I knew that it wasn't just cold feet that made me back out of marrying Chandler in Vegas. I knew I loved you. I always--" She choked up, and Rachel held onto her tightly.

"I love you, too, Mon. I love you."

Everyone at the party was touched, and they raised a toast to wish the couple a lifetime of happiness together.

[to be continued with at least one more chapter.]


	25. Working Stuff Out

**Thanks to everyone who has left a review and stayed with this story for so long. I really appreciate all your support, especially since this story keeps expanding and expanding, much longer than I had anticipated. This epic will wrap up in about two or three more chapters, as I get to the baby shower/coming out party.**

* * *

When Joey met Chandler at his office, Chandler no longer minded Joey's public displays of affection, though he blushed when his co-workers remarked on how happy they seemed. Even Chandler's obnoxious boss Doug was forced to behave after being reminded by his superiors of company policy regarding employees with same-sex mates.

"So, uh, Bing--should I still call you Bing, or are you gonna change your name now that you're married and all?"

Chandler was flustered for a moment, but replied, "No, uh, I'm--I'm keeping my name. We both are." He felt a bit disconcerted that Doug assumed he was the "wife" in this relationship. Did everybody assume that?

Joey glared at Doug but only said that they better leave if they wanted to beat the lunchtime crowds. So the couple headed out to a nearby diner, and Joey said, "Man, we should definitely ask Carol and Susan about how to handle bosses like that."

Chandler nodded. "Turns out that Doug trying to be sensitive is still the same old Doug--a total ass."

After they ordered their meal, Joey toyed with the wedding ring on his finger and asked, "Hey, Chandler, just how long should we keep up this whole being married thing, huh?"

He shrugged uncertainly. "I-I don't know, Joe. I mean, my whole plan was to say we divorced after a month or so, then cancel the insurance. But now everything's changed, and I'm not sure anyone will believe in us splitting up, and--" he squeezed Joey's hand, "--and I don't even want to break up with you, even just for pretend."

Joey nodded and kissed him softly. Then he got an idea. "Oh! How about we say that we just want to back out, like you did with Monica in Vegas? Tell them that we rushed into the wedding on the spur of the moment, 'cause of Vegas and all, but now we realize that we weren't ready for it yet. It's just the commitment that was too much, you know?"

"Yeah, that's good," Chandler answered approvingly. "We can stay together, but just slow down."

"Right. And this way you won't get into trouble about the insurance fraud, but we don't have to pretend either. I don't think I could take anymore lies and secrets, you know!"

Chandler laughed and squeezed his hand. "Yeah, and if Carol and Susan still want our wedding rings on Saturday, they can have them."

"Yeah." Joey smiled and wondered if, someday, he'd ever ask for the rings back so that he could propose to Chandler for real. But perhaps it was too soon to think about that; better just to enjoy the here and now.

Their meals arrived and they started eating, sharing the food off each other's plates. Chandler asked, "Oh, did you talk to Ross and Phoebe yet?"

Joey nodded. "Yeah, I told them we're not coming to the baby shower, 'cause of Monica. They understand but they miss us. So they'll call us later, and we can help 'em put together some baby furniture then."

"Good. Thanks, Joe." Chandler kissed him sweetly.

"You're welcome." He grinned. "Hey, I called Carol and Susan too, since they're gonna get the baby shower presents instead of us. They said we can pay them back for half when they come see us on Saturday."

"That's great. I'll write them a check I guess. What are they gonna buy?"

"Oh, I think they're still trying to decide between some toys and books. Also, they said they're gonna give some of Ben's old baby clothes."

Chandler was surprised. "Really? Do they know if the baby will be a boy already?"

"Nah, it's too soon for that, but they said that lots of Ben's old clothes are unisex. That means for guys or girls." Joey had evidently had the term explained to him that day. "Oh, and they're thinking about including Ben's old Barbie doll too."

"Oh!" Chandler laughed at the memory of that Barbie. "Ross might freak out again! I hope that kid is a girl, then."

"Yeah," Joey agreed. "But who knows? Sometimes even doctors make mistakes in the sonogram. After all, that baby Chandler turned out to be a girl, didn't she?"

Chandler nodded and chuckled, "Yeah, it gave me a real kindergarten flashback!" More seriously, he added, "Hmm, I wonder how the triplets are doing now. I'm kind of sad that I missed out on Phoebe babysitting them recently. Not that I know how to babysit really, but it might have been fun to drop by and play with them for a while."

"Well, we got to take Ben to the zoo, remember? Did you like that?"

"Yeah, that was fun. Certainly better than when we lost him on the bus that one time!"

Joey smiled and wondered if Chandler might like to have kids someday, when he was ready for the commitment. Of course, Joey didn't ask about that yet, nor did he have time to say anything else, for Chandler's lunch break was almost up. They hurried to pay the bill and left the diner together.

Joey kissed him goodbye at his office door, then said, "See you tonight."

"Okay. I love you, Joe."

"I love you."

* * *

That evening after Chandler came home from work, the guys went out for a dinner date as well. Joey wanted to celebrate their new love properly, with a night on the town, so they took off their wedding rings and got dressed to go out.

They chose a romantic and cozy restaurant which their friends didn't frequent, and they got a booth so that they could sit close to each other, with Joey's arm around Chandler's shoulders. They were very much in love, kissing and smiling constantly. This night felt even better than the first time they had bonded as roommates over beer and _Baywatch_.

Chandler felt especially happy that Joey kept looking into his eyes, even though there were hot waitresses and other customers all around the restaurant. Joey flirted only with Chandler, and when the waitress commented that they made a very cute couple, Joey said "Thank you" and looked proud.

It was the perfect date, and when they got home that night, they went straight to bed. "You paid for dinner, after all," Joey said with a smile. "So let's do whatever you want tonight."

Chandler kissed him and took him up on that offer.

* * *

On Saturday morning, they made love a little bit more, but then decided to join their birds for breakfast and cartoons. In fact, Joey and Chandler decided to make up for a week of ignoring the chick and the duck. After playing indoors for a while, they decided to take Yasmine and Dick out to the park. Of course, due to leash laws and the possibility of the duck flying away or the rooster getting lost, Joey and Chandler had to put on the birds' harnesses first.

Taking some toys and a picnic basket with them, the guys left for Central Park together and had a fun day outside. Dick particularly enjoyed hanging out with the wild ducks that gathered on the lake, and they rented a boat from Loeb Boathouse so that Dick could swim without getting too far away from them.

"Didn't I tell you that we should have kept the canoe?" Joey said to Chandler as they rowed along.

"I'm sorry! I didn't think we'd need it again when I bought all the new furniture. Besides, how hard would it be to keep dragging the canoe down here with us?"

Joey shrugged. "I guess you're right. I kinda miss the canoe at home, though. When we don't have time to go to the lake, we could pretend we're rowing on the water."

Chandler laughed and pet the rooster again to calm his anxiety that he might be given a bath in this great big lake. "You know what we haven't played in a while, Joe? Fireball."

"Ooh, ooh! If we do that, we should play Ultimate Fireball too."

"Joey, it's too dangerous to play with a burning bowling ball!"

"Just once, Chandler! Just once!" He pouted.

Chandler sighed and suggested, "Look, just give me awhile to get some money saved again, okay? Then we'll make one of the rooms into a game room and fill it with arcade games, the foosball table, and whatever else you want. Then there'll be plenty of fun stuff to keep you from getting bored."

"Okay," Joey said, feeling impatient but also pleased by the idea that either Chandler would move into his bedroom or vice versa. They would be a couple, sleeping and waking up together always.


	26. The Baby Shower

On Saturday night, Monica and Rachel both felt tense, and Monica expressed her nervousness by being a freakishly obsessed hostess. She kept running around the apartment, double checking that the decorations and the food were perfect.

"Honey, honey, calm down," Rachel tried to soothe her in the kitchen. "You need to relax. Just breathe and tell yourself it's just a baby shower."

Monica snorted and almost shouted, "Just a--!"

Rachel covered her mouth and gave her a stern look of warning. "Just a baby shower."

Taking a deep breath, Monica nodded and repeated quietly, "Just a baby shower."

Rachel hugged her, then led Monica back to the living room to take a seat.

Ross and Phoebe were sitting on the couch together, toying with the unopened presents and awaiting the arrival of their guests.

"Ooh, I'm so excited!" Phoebe giggled and clapped her hands. "This is gonna be so much better than my last baby shower." She reached out and hugged Monica and Rachel gratefully. "Thanks for doing this again, especially after how moody I was last time."

"Oh, that's all right," Rachel said. "You were having your brother's triplets, and were much more pregnant than you are now. It must have been very hard."

"Yeah," Phoebe sighed as she remembered how irritable and mean she was to her guests. "And I was so sad when I had to give the babies to Frank and Alice afterward." Then she cheered up and grinned. "But this time I'm gonna have my very own baby to keep, and even better than that, I have Ross to help me out."

Ross smiled and kissed her cheek. "Well, I'm glad to help. I can't wait for Ben to have a little brother or sister."

"I think it's gonna be a girl," Phoebe said, "but then again, my psychic abilities are always thrown off a bit when I'm pregnant."

"You've only been pregnant twice," Ross pointed out.

"In _this_ lifetime," she answered. "I've been knocked up lots of times in the past, 'cause, you know, birth control was much harder to come by in the olden days. Unless you were a witch who knew the right potions, of course, but I got burned at the stake for that in Salem."

"Ohhhh." Everyone nodded and exchanged glances as they imagined Phoebe as a witch in colonial times.

Ross cleared his throat and changed the subject. "Well, um, I guess we'll just wait and see what the sonogram says about the baby."

Phoebe tsked disapprovingly at his naive trust in Western medicine. In her past lives as witches, nurses, midwives, and the like, Phoebe had developed considerable skepticism about doctors, and in this lifetime at least, her experience with various doctors during her surrogacy and labor had only confirmed her opinion that doctors were often overrated, for they could easily be stupid, crazy, or too young to be taken seriously.

Phoebe patted Ross's head patiently. "That's not reliable either, honey. That fertility doctor who implanted Frank and Alice's embryos in me didn't know anything, and my OB-GYN admitted that doctors are wrong all the time. Then she _proved it_ by getting mixed up when she read the sex of triplets!"

Ross protested, "To be fair, she was trying to read a sonogram with three fetuses crowded together. It would be easy to mistake a body part then."

"Oh hey!" Rachel sat up with an idea. "What if you guys have triplets too, since you're both extra fertile?"

Ross gasped and blinked; he evidently hadn't considered that possibility before, despite their long discussion when planning parenthood together.

Phoebe rubbed her belly and replied, "Oh, I think it's going to be just one baby this time. Or maybe twins, 'cause my birthmom told me on the phone, when she got the invitation to the shower, that twins run in our family. That's partly why she got so scared and abandoned me and Ursula after she gave birth to us."

"Oh!"

They all murmured sympathetically, and Ross hugged her close and kissed her forehead. Realizing that she needed him to be supportive, he pulled himself together and reassured her, "Whatever we have, Pheebs, we're gonna love our kids no matter what, right?"

"Right." Phoebe smiled at him for readily making the adjustment from "kid" to "kids." She wanted to kiss him so much, but since they weren't alone, she settled for laying her head upon his shoulder. She could easily imagine staying in his arms for much longer than just nine months.

Ross stroked her hair and wished that he could make up for all of the people who had ever abandoned and disappointed Phoebe instead of loving her.

"Aw," Rachel smiled at how sweet Ross and Phoebe looked together, almost like a couple. "You guys are going to make great parents I bet."

"Yeah," Monica nodded and felt a twinge of sorrow and envy. She still yearned for a baby so much, and she suggested, only half in jest, "Hey, if you do have twins, then maybe me and Rachel could take one of them."

"Monica!" Rachel scolded her, both for the inappropriateness of the request, and the slip about their relationship.

Ross and Phoebe turned to them with surprise, but didn't take the hint about Monica and Rachel. Ross met Phoebe's eyes to read her reaction, then he answered as delicately as he could, "Well, um, you're always welcome to babysit, of course, Mon. But to actually give you one of our babies..." He sighed and shook his head. "I mean, we--we do know how much you want a baby too, but we were just both really looking forward to not having to share our kid or kids this time around."

Phoebe added, "Yeah, don't worry, Mon. You're still young, and maybe that new boyfriend of yours is the one that you're gonna end up marrying and having kids with. I'll get a better idea when I meet him and read his aura. That is, as long as my pregnancy doesn't throw me off too much, you know."

"Oh." Monica blushed and glanced at Rachel nervously, remembering the lie they had told everyone to explain why she broke up with Chandler so suddenly. What name did they invent for her new boyfriend again?

Ross interrupted his sister's thoughts by asking, "By the way, when is your boyfriend gonna get here, Mon? You said we'd meet him tonight, since Chandler wasn't going to come to the shower."

She blushed even more and struggled to remember their cover story. "Um, he--he won't get here until the end of the party, actually. We just, we want to focus on your baby shower first, and save that other stuff for when all the other guests have gone home." Monica and Rachel wanted to avoid having an unpleasant scene, in case Ross got very upset when they came out to him and Phoebe.

"Really?" Ross was disappointed. "I was looking forward to not being the only guy here. None of the NYU professors that I invited or even the old dinosaur dudes from the museum wanted to come to a baby shower. They just sent me some of the gifts that we registered for at the stores." Ross gestured to the pile of presents that were wrapped in dinosaur wrapping paper.

"Sorry, Ross." Rachel patted his arm sympathetically. "Don't worry, we'll make sure that you have fun too."

"Yeah, let me get you guys some punch." Monica returned to the kitchen and sighed in relief. Rachel was right; it was better to have their relationship out in the open instead of always having to worry about pronouns and cover stories and so many little details.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. "It's us!"

"Ooh, our first guests!" Phoebe clapped her hands excitedly.

Monica and Rachel both answered the door for Carol and Susan. "Hi!"

"Welcome to the party!"

"We wouldn't miss the Geller-Buffay shower for anything!"

Laughing and taking off their coats, Carol and Susan came in and went over to greet Ross and Phoebe with hugs and kisses.

"Hi!"

"Hey!"

"Oh, look at you, Phoebe! You're glowing!"

"Thank you!" She giggled again.

They added their gifts to the pile on Monica's living room table, then sat down to chat with the parents-to-be. Soon after that, other guests began arriving, and the celebration began.

* * *

Across the hall, Joey and Chandler were making love again to distract them from the noise of the party next door. Chandler was almost tempted to join the baby shower, just to spend time with their friends again, but then he remembered that Monica would be there, so he stayed home.

As they lounged in bed, Joey kissed him and asked, "You wanna go out and watch a movie or something?"

"Nah. We should stay here 'cause Carol and Susan are coming over after the party."

"Oh, right. I forgot. Do you think they'll be surprised when we tell them that we're together?"

Chandler shrugged and traced his fingers down Joey's chest. "What if they actually catch us doing it?"

Joey grinned. "What, you wanna do it in the living room?"

Chandler kissed him and sat up in bed. "Last one to the couch has to be on bottom!" He got out of bed and raced to the living room.

Joey laughed and got up to follow his lover, but he paused to grab some blankets first. He didn't mind being last, and thought that blankets would come in handy, both to cover them up in hurry if someone walked in, and to keep their naked sweaty bodies from sticking to the leather couch.

* * *

After all the presents were opened and the party guests began leaving, Phoebe got up and hugged her birthmother. "Bye, mom." It still felt odd to call this woman her mom, especially when Lily was the only mom she had known for years, but she was getting used to it.

"Bye, honey," Phoebe Abbott kissed her daughter's cheek. "I'm so happy that you get to have a baby for yourself this time."

"Yeah, so am I," she answered with a happy sigh. "Especially with Ross. Do you like Ross, mom?"

Phoebe Sr. turned to glance at Ross, who was saying goodbye to guests at the door. She shrugged and murmured, "Well, I don't know, I just met him. He seems a little boring and into dinosaurs."

Phoebe nodded. "Yeah, but he's really sweet and such a great father. You should see him with his son Ben."

"Oh, well maybe I'll come visit sometime when Ben's around. Just let me know when."

"Yeah, that would be great! Or maybe all of us can come see you at Montauk. We could like have a picnic at the beach, and make sand castles, and go swimming."

"Sure, any time." But Phoebe Sr. noticed how her daughter kept smiling fondly at Ross as she imagined this family outing at the beach. This confused her, since Phoebe had said on the phone that Ross was not her boyfriend. So Phoebe Sr. asked again, "Sweetie, are you and Ross--?"

"No, no, we're just friends," Phoebe insisted, then whispered confidentially, "He's still in love with Rachel."

Phoebe Sr. frowned skeptically, especially since she saw Ross continually kissing or touching Phoebe during the entire party, as if they were lovers. But who was she to argue about her daughter's love life? "Well, congratulations on your baby anyway."

"Thanks, mom." They hugged one more time before Phoebe's birthmom grabbed her purse and left so that she could drive back to Montauk.

Finally, when there was no one in the apartment except Monica, Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, Carol, and Susan, the crucial moment had arrived.

Ross glanced at his watch and asked, "Mon, how come your boyfriend didn't show up yet?"

Monica glanced at Rachel and said, "Uh, Ross, can you sit down for a minute?"

Rachel ushered Phoebe back to the couch as well. "Yeah, we actually have something to confess to you guys."

Carol and Susan sat down, looking supportive, but letting Monica and Rachel speak for themselves.

"What do you mean? What's going on?" Ross looked to Phoebe, who was puzzled too, but she became suspicious when she saw Monica and Rachel stand close together and hold hands.

Monica cleared her throat. "Okay, first of all, there's no new boyfriend, Ross. There never was."

"What?" Ross stared at them. "Then why did you break up with Chandler? What happened?"

Rachel watched his face intently as Monica answered, "What happened was--was that I got a girlfriend instead. I-I'm in love with Rachel now."

Ross didn't know how to react at first, just staring at them blankly. Phoebe also turned to look at him, and she squeezed his hand.

Rachel continued, hoping that she wasn't breaking his heart. "It's true, Ross. Monica and I are dating now. We, um, we didn't know how to tell you, but--"

Ross sat forward suddenly, obviously struggling to find words. They all waited for him, and finally he managed to stammer, "Well, tha-that's two of my ex-wives."

Glancing at Carol and Susan, Monica and Rachel wondered if Ross was taking it philosophically, or if he was just warming up to a rage.


	27. Ross Gets Over It

Carol looked at her ex-husband worriedly. "Are you all right, Ross?"  
  
Still rather stunned, Ross turned to her, and he began to realize something. "You knew, didn't you? You and Susan?"  
  
Carol nodded and explained, "Yes, for a week now. Rachel and Monica told us first because they needed advice about how to tell you, without hurting you."  
  
"So you told them to tell me this now? Like this?"  
  
"Um... yes." She suddenly felt very guilty, as if she had just ruined his whole baby shower, or even his whole life. Maybe she had misjudged how badly Ross would take the news. Would he think of this as some betrayal? Some conspiracy to turn all the women he loved into lesbians?  
  
Susan said, "We wanted to get Joey and Chandler here too, but they didn't want to see Monica this soon, so that's why it's just you now. We're gonna go tell them in a minute too. Sorry. We didn't intend to gang up on you like this."  
  
Ross nodded and still spoke slowly, as if all his reactions were delayed. "Yeah, I-I understand. Thanks for waiting until all the guests were gone."  
  
"Sure."  
  
All the women still stared at him uncomfortably, waiting for him to break down or scream at them or have any other discernible reaction.  
  
He just sat there on the couch holding tightly onto Phoebe's hand. Phoebe pressed back and kept watching his face.  
  
Monica and Rachel sat down in front of him, not sure whether they should continue with their speech.  
  
But Rachel felt that she really owed Ross an apology, so she said earnestly, "Believe me, Ross, I never meant to go from you to your sister. This was not something I planned or even imagined happening. I-I just think that my feelings for you and my feelings for Monica got tangled up somehow, until I didn't know what I wanted. I am so, so sorry that I suggested we get married in Vegas, Ross. It's wrong for me to keep jerking you around and leading you on like that. You should be free to find someone else and be happy." She tried to be firm in her encouragement. "You *should* be happy, Ross! You can and you should, and it should have nothing to do with me."  
  
Still seeing no response on his face, she sat back and sighed. "I mean, I-I do know that you've loved me for a long time, Ross, and I know us telling you this probably hurts a lot right now, but please, please don't give up on yourself. Don't get all depressed about your three divorces again and go nuts about how you've lost me again. Please don't do that, Ross. Believe me, you can be happy without me if you just try. You can be strong and get through this, just like you got over Carol eventually. Just look at all the good things that are happening for you right now! You're having a baby with Phoebe. You've got the new job at NYU. You've got a new car and a new apartment. And we're all still here for you, Ross. We're all your friends, and we all really care about you, and we will all help you get past this."  
  
Ross nodded and seemed to smile a little when she reminded him of the good things in his life. That seemed to be a positive sign, though he still didn't release his grip on Phoebe's hand yet. He swallowed and tried to compose his thoughts so he could respond. "Uh--thank you, Rach. I, I'm--do you really love Monica? You're not just, um, fooling around with her as some sort of rebound fling from Chandler?"  
  
Rachel shook her head, and Monica told him honestly, "No, we're really in love, Ross. I'm sorry."  
  
"No, that's--that's okay. That's good. I shouldn't have even asked, you know. I mean, you wouldn't have gone to all this trouble to tell me this if you guys weren't serious about each other, right?"  
  
"Right." They nodded together.  
  
"Well, good. So I-I guess you're going to go tell Joey and Chandler now. Good luck."  
  
Monica and Rachel hesitated to leave, glancing to their mentors for advice. Susan shook her head and gestured that they should stay put.  
  
Carol came closer and reached to touch his shoulder. "Wait, are you sure that you're all right, Ross? You don't want to talk about this some more?"  
  
Ross shrugged and clung to Phoebe's hand. "Well, I--I do have one more question."  
  
"Sure, anything. What is it?"  
  
All the women leaned close to listen and respond to him. To their surprise, Ross turned to face Phoebe and asked her, "You're not a lesbian too, are you?"  
  
Ah, so he did suspect that all the women he knew were turning gay.  
  
Phoebe answered him quite seriously, "No, but--but I am bisexual."  
  
Ross blinked. "You are?"  
  
Monica and Rachel also looked very surprised, but Carol and Susan already had their suspicions because Phoebe had flirted with some of their friends at the lesbian wedding.  
  
Phoebe nodded and shrugged, brushing Ross's face with her hand. "Yeah, um, I'm no innocent you know. I-I did a lot of things when I was homeless for years. Traveling around the country, ending up in Prague, getting back to America, only to stab a cop and end up in prison just like my stepdad. So I had plenty of chances to experiment both ways, and most of it was pretty good. Well, then I got into aromatherapy and yoga through Bonnie at the Y. Then I got my guitar and I learned how to massage so I could get a job and get off the streets. I moved in with Monica and thought she was cute, but she seemed like totally repressed then and didn't respond to me, so I decided to just be friends with her and go back to dating guys. Not that I didn't have a fling sometimes if I couldn't find any good guys around. But yeah, I am bi, Ross. Are you, are you gonna forgive me too?"  
  
"Forgive you?" Ross looked at her tenderly and kissed her hands. "I'm--I'm not mad. Why would I be? That's your life and who you are and everything. I mean, I'm not mad at anybody here. Did you guys think I was mad?" He looked around at all of them.  
  
They nodded and simultaneously murmured in confusion.  
  
"Yeah, after how badly you took my coming out and our divorce--"  
  
Susan said, "You hated me for a long time, Ross."  
  
"How can you be so calm about this?"  
  
"Ross, are you really okay with us?"  
  
Ross looked at his friends apologetically and explained his reaction. "I'm sorry. I-I was just stunned, and, and overwhelmed by the deja vu I guess. I got flashbacks to the night that Carol told me, and it was kind of hard to think while I was reliving it. But, um, what you said to me there, Rach, that was really nice and sweet and touching and true, so how could I get mad after that? You really put everything into perspective, you know, and I'm happy for you and Monica. I really am. I don't know how Chandler's gonna take hearing this, but I'm not upset about it."  
  
"Really?"  
  
  
  
"Yeah." He nodded. "I mean, I'll admit, when Carol first left me, I didn't handle it that well, and I was messed up for a long time. You guys should know; you all came up with that theory about me becoming paranoid about girlfriends cheating on me. But um, I guess I'm finally over it now. After all these years, and Phoebe helping me, and--" He stopped and looked at Phoebe directly again. He gazed into her eyes and brushed the hair back from her face.  
  
"I like myself when I'm with you, Pheebs," he whispered sincerely. "I like being with you, being sane, being whole... I-I think you're the one who finally got me over Rachel. The one who helped me let go and see that she was a high school crush that I idealized too much and got too obsessed about. You're the one that--that made me stop wallowing in self-pity and start living life again. Making plans, having fun, getting excited about a baby--I'm finally looking forward, instead of backward. I love being with you and laughing and talking and, and--I love *us*." Then he frowned and furrowed his brows sadly. "In fact, I wish--I mean, um, is there any way... any way that you could consider...?"  
  
"What, Ross?" Phoebe had an inkling of what he meant, but didn't dare believe it yet.  
  
The others were staring at them in utter amazement as they realized what was going on.  
  
Ross shrugged and looked shy, staring down at their joined hands as he struggled to find words. "Does, um, does being bi mean that, that maybe you might be happy staying with me like this? Might want to be a real family someday or--?" Then he frowned and lost his nerve to even ask the question. "I mean, um, if you don't want to, if you'd rather keep exploring your options, I'd, I'd understand." He gulped and looked visibly troubled and upset. "I mean, I wouldn't be happy about it, but--but it's what we planned, isn't it? Being just parents. Being just friends." He blinked back tears and shook his head as he started to regret his words. "I shouldn't push my luck. I shouldn't want more than that. I'm sorry. I shouldn't--"  
  
"You should!" Phoebe suddenly said, with tears in her eyes too. She smiled softly and pulled him closer to her so that he would meet her eyes. "Remember what Rachel said? You can and you should be happy, Ross. You should want love." She kissed him suddenly and passionately, much like she did whenever they were making love in his bed or making out after his classes at NYU, but she meant so much more than just sex and desire this time.  
  
Ross kissed her back just as fiercely, realizing that the romantic feelings he had developed for Phoebe lately were truly reciprocated. Up to now, he had thought it was just wishful thinking on his part, so he had never risked asking her for more than their original plans for friendship and parenthood.  
  
Then Phoebe broke off their kiss and smiled, wiping away her tears. "I thought you were still in love with her, Ross, but if you're not, if you really want me instead--"  
  
"I do!" He answered quickly and kissed her again. But then he caressed her arms and asked, slightly confused, "So, even though you're bi--?"  
  
She laughed brightly and kissed his nose. "It doesn't mean that I can't fall in love with you, silly! It only means that I already know what's out there, and I still want you. It means that there's no more surprises down the road, no more big secrets waiting to be revealed. I'm not going to suddenly discover I'm a lesbian and leave you, Ross. I had plenty of chances to find that out years ago. I might even, you know, do a little threesome with you if you wanted to."  
  
That made Ross even happier, and he kissed her with a sexy growl, leaning her back against the couch cushions. She responded with equal enthusiasm.  
  
"Whoa, whoa!" Monica said, getting up and backing away from their passionate embrace. "Hey, maybe you two lovebirds ought to go home and do that." She turned away and covered her eyes.  
  
Rachel agreed. "Or better yet, maybe you guys want to use my bedroom over there."  
  
They accepted her offer and hurried into her bedroom together, still kissing each other eagerly.  
  
Rachel shut the door on them and shrugged when she saw Monica's gaping mouth. "It didn't look like they were gonna make it across the street to his apartment. Besides, we can just sleep in your bedroom tonight, you know?"  
  
Monica tried to accept that. "I guess so. It's still very weird, though, and shocking."  
  
"I know."  
  
Carol, Susan, Monica, and Rachel all looked bewilderedly at each other, asking why no one had known what was going on between Ross and Phoebe until now. But none of them had an answer, beyond perhaps a preoccupation with their own love lives at the time.  
  
Carol said, "Wow. I never would have worried so much about Ross's reaction if I knew that he was over Rachel already and falling in love with Phoebe."  
  
"I know," Susan agreed.  
  
The sounds from the bedroom got louder, making the four women rather uncomfortable.  
  
Carol suggested quickly, "Hey, um, let's go talk to Joey and Chandler now!"  
  
"Oh, right!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Let's go!"  
  
They all hurried across the hall and knocked on the guys' door. 


	28. Telling Joey and Chandler

Tired but very satisfied, Chandler lay naked with Joey on the couch in their living room. They were cozily wrapped up in the blankets that Joey had brought from bed, and their passionate quickie left them feeling warm and happy, not to mention naughty.

After catching his breath, Chandler said with a grin, "We should do that more often!"

Joey chuckled and answered, "Okay, but next time, let's make sure that the chick and the duck aren't watching us."

Chandler laughed and snuggled closer to him. "Do you think we scared them?"

"Nah." He glanced toward his bedroom, where the birds had gone after losing interest in their lovemaking. "I mean, they didn't mind when I had sex with with the stripper from Ross's bachelor party in front of them. It's just that them quacking and clucking so much gets kinda distracting."

"Oh, I guess I didn't notice." Chandler nuzzled him and murmured sexily, "It was so hot doing it here without locking the door."

"Yeah." Joey kissed him passionately again.

"Mmm." Chandler closed his eyes and sighed. "I love you."

"Me too." Shifting beneath the blankets, Joey hoped that Chandler had enough energy to go another round.

Suddenly there came a knock on their front door, which they guessed was probably Carol and Susan arriving from the baby shower, but the guys didn't particularly feel like getting up to answer the door. Joey kept kissing Chandler's neck and playing idly with one of his nipples.

"Guys?" Carol called out, wondering whether Joey and Chandler had forgotten about them coming over tonight. "Hello?"

Chandler reluctantly pulled out of Joey's arms and sat up at last. After making sure that the blankets covered them decently, he called out, "Come in! It's open."

So Carol and Susan entered, leaving Monica and Rachel to wait in the hallway.

"Ah!" Carol gasped in shock and embarrassment.

"Oh, my!" Susan dropped the empty bookbag that she had brought. Neither she nor Carol had ever expected to actually catch Joey and Chandler together like this.

Joey blushed and pulled the blankets over them both.

Thinking quickly, Carol turned back and shut the door to make sure that Monica and Rachel wouldn't rush in to see what the fuss was all about.

Chandler just smiled, feeling rather brazen and liberated. "Surprise! Okay, uh, give us a minute, and we'll go get dressed."

"Sounds like a good idea to me," answered Susan, who had never found the sight of naked men very appealing.

So the guys got up from the couch and hurried into Joey's bedroom to dress.

Susan looked at Carol and asked, "Can you believe this!"

"No! And what was Chandler thinking, inviting us in like that? He wasn't even shy or freaked out at all."

"I mean, here we were, expecting to find a couple of desperate closet cases, but all we get are two horny guys doing it without locking their door."

"I know!" Carol sat down on a stool, still feeling stunned and perplexed. "Are you sure that Joey was really upset on the phone before?"

"Yes! He's not a good enough actor to fake it, you know. He made it sound like they were having a major crisis and desperately needed our help."

"Well we, uh, we do need your help," Chandler said. He and Joey had just returned, fully clothed now.

"What kind of help?" Carol asked.

Chandler stepped forward and replied, "We want some advice on how to, you know, tell everybody about us." He headed back to the couch with Joey, while Carol and Susan pulled up chairs and sat down.

Joey smiled and happily put his arm around Chandler's shoulders. "Yeah, 'cause we're not fake married anymore. This is for real now."

"Well, I can say one thing already," Susan answered, "Don't surprise them like you did us, or you'll probably make them scream and faint!"

"Yeah," Carol agreed with a chuckle, and the guys nodded too.

Chandler shrugged and explained, "I guess I just wanted to shock you guys, to get back at you for the punishment."

Carol said, "Well, you mainly shocked us by being naked and shameless. We kind of already suspected that something was going on the other night, when Joey wouldn't let us into the apartment."

"Really?" Joey frowned and blushed again.

"Oh, you did?" Chandler recalled that night and smiled wickedly. "Yeah. We were busy... doing stuff."

"No details, please!" Susan insisted. Then she cut to the chase. "Now, if we're going to help you two come out, then we have to know something--are you guys really sure about what you're doing here? It's not just some kind of... experimental rebound fling because Monica dumped you?"

"Or maybe it was the fake marriage?" Carol guessed. She noticed that they weren't wearing the wedding rings anymore, but wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.

Chandler shook his head and answered, "No, we're sure about this. I mean, at first, I did think that Joey was just trying to comfort me because of my breakup, but then he told me how he's been wanting me for years, and he doesn't wanna go back to girls."

"Yeah." Joey squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes lovingly. "And now we're gonna be a real couple and everything."

Chandler beamed and kissed him.

"Aw, how sweet!" Carol sighed. "I always thought you guys would make a nice couple."

Susan smiled. "Great! Okay, so now you wanna know how to tell your friends?"

Joey nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I guess we can't still have that coming out party that you were planning for us?"

Chandler added with a frown, "And it would be kind of weird and uncomfortable even being near Monica."

Carol said, "Well, maybe not a big party, but you guys really should be direct with them as soon as possible. Right, Susan?" She looked at her wife and winked knowingly.

Susan nodded, then she turned and called out, "Girls, come in!"

Monica and Rachel entered the apartment nervously.

"What?" Chandler gasped and turned toward the door. When he saw Monica, he became even more upset. "No, get out! Go away!"

With this lack of welcome, Monica and Rachel hesitated by the door and frowned silently.

Joey blinked and asked in confusion, "Hey, what are you doing? We're not ready!"

Carol spoke kindly, "No, trust us, Joey. It's better to tell them now. There's been too many secrets already."

"They have something to tell you too," Susan said.

Chandler still pouted, then he turned and hugged Joey tightly. Joey rubbed his back soothingly and kissed his head.

Meanwhile, Susan beckoned to Monica and Rachel insistently. "Come over here."

So they reluctantly came closer and found chairs for themselves. As they sat down, each of them murmured with guilt, "I'm sorry." Monica also vividly remembered how Chandler had clung to Joey like that a week ago, when she first broke up with him.

Susan cleared her throat and said, "Um, we're sorry that we're rushing you, Chandler, but it makes more sense to say this all at once. We just wish that Ross and Phoebe were here too, but they're making love next door."

"At the baby shower?" Joey asked. "But Phoebe's pregnant already."

"Yeah, but they're in love now," Carol explained. "They want to be together too, not just be parents out of convenience."

Joey looked shocked, and Susan tried to break the tension with a laugh. "It's been one wild month!"

Chandler moaned in Joey's arms, then said resentfully, "What's next? Monica's new boyfriend comes in too and makes gay jokes about us?"

Carol looked at Monica and Rachel. "I think your friends can answer that."

Monica sighed and looked at her feet, while Rachel squeezed her hand supportively. Then she spoke softly, "Chandler, there's something else you should know. I mean, I didn't tell you everything when we broke up."

Chandler sat up at last and accused her, "What, did you cheat on me with Richard!"

"Hey! It's nothing like that--" started Rachel, but was cut off by Susan, who motioned her to stay calm and quiet. Rachel had made her own confession to Ross, and now Monica must take her turn to be brave.

Monica struggled, "No... it's um--it's--"

"What?" Chandler interrupted impatiently. "Just say it already for God's sake! Who was it? Fun Bobby? Pete the millionaire?"

Monica glanced at Rachel, then shook her head. "It--it wasn't a guy at all, Chandler. It was a woman. It was Rachel."

"WHAT!" yelled Chandler.

Joey glanced at both of them with wide eyes; he was stunned and speechless.

Rachel added sincerely, "We're very, very sorry, Chandler, and we feel awful. We were going to try to tell you this at the baby shower earlier, but you didn't wanna come."

Chandler stammered furiously, "You--you--! Behind my back?" Then he turned to Carol and Susan with realization. "You knew, didn't you! You knew all along."

Susan nodded. "Yes, because they wanted to know how to come out to you guys."

"Wow," Joey finally said, realizing what Susan meant about it being a wild month.

Chandler cried, "You--you lesbian... cheaters! Lying and helping each other out. You never cared about our feelings, did you?"

"Hey!" Susan resented that. "You didn't even tell us about what you guys have been doing. We had to guess."

"Yeah," Carol admonished him, "Then you ambushed us just a minute ago!"

"Huh?" Monica and Rachel looked at each other in confusion. But then they remembered Carol and Susan gasping in shock when they first came in and wondered what they must have missed.

Susan continued sternly, "And it's not like you've been sitting here, all heartbroken over Monica!" She looked at both him and Joey, then asked, "So, do you wanna tell them what you've been up to, or should we?"

Joey frowned and looked anxious. It was hard enough just absorbing all this startling news, without making their own confession too.

Chandler protested, "It's not the same! We were doing the fake marriage first, and kissing all the time, so we felt... things. What the hell were they doing!"

Monica and Rachel stared at him and gasped when they understood his references.

"W-what? You mean you and Joey--?"

"You're gay!"

Joey nodded and said meekly, "Uh, yeah. We're--we're together now."

Monica gulped. "Oh my God! So then, when we saw you kissing and touching each other this month, it wasn't just pretend? You did that right in front of me?"

Chandler remained angry. "And what did you do behind my back!"

Carol said, "Chandler, calm down!"

Susan pointed out, "You're with Joey now. Why do you think it's worse that she cheated on you with Rachel, than with some guy?"

"I--it's just.. shocking," Chandler said with a sullen frown.

Monica cried, "And you don't think me finding out that you're sleeping with Joey is shocking?" She sighed and tried to soften Chandler's heart. "Look, I have every right to be mad at you too, because even if we were broken up this past week, you still rushed into things with Joey, like I meant nothing to you. We were together for over a year!"

Chandler saw her point, and he confessed softly, "Well, we--we even did some stuff before you dumped me."

"You did?" Monica looked hurt.

Joey said, "Yeah, um, it was about a week before you broke up. I-I wanted him so much and I came onto him. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Joey," Rachel said. "We're all guilty, it looks like." She squeezed Monica's shoulders and asked her if she was all right.

Monica pulled herself together, then said to Chandler, "Well, we've all got reasons to be mad or hurt. But don't you see, Chandler? We're better off this way. You and me, we backed out of getting married in Vegas, and we backed out of moving in together; we just weren't right for each other. And now we've both moved on, so we should try to accept that and be happy. All of us should." She looked at Rachel fondly, then at Joey and Chandler.

"I-I guess..." whispered Chandler. "I'm sorry I yelled."

Joey hugged him tightly and lovingly kissed the side of his forehead.

Susan smiled and remarked mischievously, "Sooo, if you ask me, this month of punishment was actually great for all of you!"

Chandler and Joey glanced at her, rather embarrassed by the fact that they had enjoyed their "torture" so much. But they fell in love, and finally accepted the feelings about each other that they'd kept bottled in for so long. They shrugged and laughed.

Everyone relaxed now, then Chandler got up and went to hug Monica, which made Rachel and Joey gasp. They had finally confronted each other and made up. Maybe they could still be friends after all this.


	29. Celebrating

After a while, everyone headed across the hall to tell Ross and Phoebe the news. They hoped that they were done having sex now.

Fortunately, Ross and Phoebe had dressed, and were currently gathering up their baby shower presents. "Oh, hi!" Ross blushed and thanked Rachel for letting them borrow her bedroom. "We'll, uh, we'll go home now."

"No, wait! Joey and Chandler want to talk to you guys."

"What? Oh!" Ross hadn't noticed them standing behind Carol and Susan. He went over to hug them both. "I missed you guys!"

"We missed you too. And Phoebe." Joey went over to hug her next. "Uh, Carol and Susan told us that you and Ross were, like, together now."

"Yeah." She smiled happily. "He's really over Rachel and everything. When she told him that she and Monica--" But Phoebe broke off, not sure whether they knew everything yet.

Chandler said, "Yeah, Monica and Rachel told us. It's kind of a funny coincidence because, um, me and Joey... got together too."

"Whoa, whoa, what!" Ross was shocked.

"Ha! I knew this would happen! They're lobsters!" Phoebe declared triumphantly.

"What?"

"Oh, come on! Didn't you think something was gonna happen, with Chandler proposing to him in the coffeehouse, and pretending to be married, and kissing him all the time?"

The women shrugged and laughed, but Ross still could not believe that Joey could be gay. "But--but all those women..."

Joey told him, "But I really wanted Chandler. I mean, I kissed him on New Year's, I bought him a bracelet and stuff, and I got jealous about Kip... and Eddie. I've been waiting for him to admit that he was gay and come onto me, but instead, he suddenly ended up with Monica in London, and I felt jealous."

"You did?" Monica was surprised too.

"Why do you think I couldn't stand watching you guys kiss and make out in front of me? And I even prank called Chandler at his office and told him I loved him."

Ross remembered Joey doing that on Wednesdays, back when Ross was unemployed and living with them. He said, "But I thought you were just teasing him, Joey. And he said that it had been six months."

Joey shrugged and answered, "Yeah, it started out as a prank, but why would I go on doing that for six months, Ross? Why wouldn't I have gotten bored and prank called one of you other guys instead? And I think I only stopped doing it a couple of months later, after everybody found out about Monica and Chandler, and they said that they loved each other. It was like, there was no point doing it after that."

"Aw, Joey." Chandler hugged him and kissed him tenderly. "I-I should have known it was you, anyway. Who else would know the number of my direct line, getting past my secretary every time?"

"Yeah." Joey sighed. "I guess we both were in denial about how we felt. But this past month together, it made us see everything clearly."

Chandler nodded and smiled. "It--it was great." They kissed again, while everyone else watched and realized how happy they seemed together.

Carol and Susan were relieved that everything had worked out at last, so they hugged everybody, then said they had to go home and pick up Ben from the babysitter's.

Susan teased them, "Now I hope you guys can take care of yourselves without your fairy godmothers around!"

"Yeah, we don't mind helping out sometimes, but we've got friends of our own that we've been missing lately. Bye!" Carol waved at them as they started for the door.

Joey stopped them. "But wait! Don't forget those books that you left at our apartment."

Susan said, "Oh, yeah! We better get those before we forget."

"Aren't you glad that we won't be giving you a test, Joey?" Carol laughed.

Joey nodded, and Chandler said, "We learned a lot anyway!"

Then the others decided to help Ross and Phoebe go home with the baby shower presents. The six friends talked some more about their wild month and promised to meet each other in the morning to catch up.

* * *

Later that night, Joey and Chandler returned to their apartment at last. 

"Wow, what a day!" Joey said as he sat down in his recliner.

Chandler came over and sat on Joey's lap, letting him nuzzle his neck. "You're not too tired, are you, Joe? Because I think we should celebrate our coming out and making up with the gang."

Joey smiled back and nodded, then picked Chandler up and took him to the nearest bedroom.

They laughed, kissed, and undressed each other playfully. Soon they lay down and got serious, moaning and making the bed squeak. After their passionate lovemaking ended, they collapsed breathlessly and cuddled. The guys fell asleep in each other's arms, still naked and sweaty.

The next morning, Chandler woke up rather early for a Sunday. He smiled and looked at Joey, still sound asleep, for several minutes. Just when he was going to lean in and kiss him, Joey jumped up and scared Chandler.

"Baaa!" Chandler yelled as he jumped back.

Joey started giggling. "I've been awake for an hour or so... but I just loved watching you sleep, and I love the way you watch me sleep."

"You!" Chandler rolled his eyes, then kissed Joey, who giggled again. "What's so funny?" Chandler said, teasing and tickling him.

They giggled and play-wrestled on the bed, ending up entangled and under the covers again, before they finally got out of bed.

Since they were hungry and it was over an hour until they planned to meet the gang at Monica's apartment, they decided to have a light breakfast.

"Do you want eggs or cereal?" Joey yelled to the bathroom, where Chandler was cleaning himself.

"I'll have some cereal and orange juice!" Chandler shouted back. Then he came out of the bathroom with his hair still dripping, and leaned over the kitchen counter to kiss Joey.

"Mmm." They sank into the kiss, and Joey stepped around the counter and slipped off Chandler's towel. They moaned and groped each other, forgetting all about breakfast and the rest of the gang.

"Oh God, you're insatiable, Joey!" Chandler said.

"What?" he asked, not familiar with that word.

"Never mind." Chandler kissed him back and ran his fingers through his hair. "Oh, I need you more than anything," he whispered, turning Joey aside and nibbling on his neck.

"Me too." Joey hugged him and felt complete with Chandler in his arms.

The chick and the duck wondered into the living room then, chirping for their breakfast.

Chandler moaned, "We have to stop."

"How about we give them your breakfast?"

"Okay!"

Joey hadn't poured the milk yet, so he put the bowl of cereal on the floor for them, then filled another dish with some water. "There."

"Good! Let's go!" Chandler took Joey by the hand and ran back into his room.

They fell onto the bed again and kissed passionately. Chandler was glad that Joey had recovered from his hernia quickly. Maybe one of these nights they could go about breaking Chandler's record with Monica of seven times in London.

* * *

The rest of the gang slept in, but later, when Ross and Phoebe arrived at Monica's and realized that Joey and Chandler hadn't shown up yet, Phoebe giggled.

Ross asked incredulously, "You mean those two are doing it again?"

Monica replied, "I think they were earlier, then they fell asleep in bed. I knocked and came in before, but they had left the lower half of Chandler's door open. I could see clothes sprawled all over the place and hear them snoring."

Phoebe smiled and shrugged. "Well, that just leaves more breakfast for us then!"

Ross said, "Maybe we should make them help us move the rest of your stuff to my place next weekend."

Rachel asked, "Have you found somebody to sublet your apartment?"

"Not yet, but I put up some ads."

They chatted and ate breakfast, then Ross and Phoebe decided to go home and make love too, since she wasn't having morning sickness.

"See ya!"

Monica and Rachel washed the dishes together, then lounged down on the couch and read the Sunday newspaper together.

Rachel kissed her and hugged her. "I love you, sweetie."

"I love you too."

* * *

Later, Joey and Chandler woke up and came over to apologize for missing breakfast.

Monica sat up and said, "It's okay, guys. But we should all hang out again sometime. You've been staying at home too much lately."

"Yeah, sorry," Chandler said.

Rachel told them, "Ross and Phoebe also want you guys to help them move the rest of her stuff to Ross's place next weekend. We'll probably take some boxes in his car and some in her grandmother's cab."

"Oh, okay. We won't miss that." Joey's stomach grumbled loudly, so he said, "Oh, uh, we better go eat now."

"Yeah." The girls laughed.

Joey went on ahead, while Chandler said, "Um, maybe we'll hang out at Central Perk later, or go out to dinner tonight."

"Sure. We'll call Ross and Phoebe to ask what they wanna do."

"Okay, thanks. Bye!"

"Bye!"


	30. Dealing with Family

So the gang of friends slowly adjusted to their new relationships, and they were glad to have everything out in the open. They periodically called Carol and Susan again to ask for gay/lesbian advice, such as how to handle obnoxious bosses like Doug, and sometimes Carol and Susan came over just to visit. Ross and Phoebe also started to see Ben together, hoping to keep him from getting jealous of the new baby.

For practice, Phoebe also tried to babysit the triplets more for Frank and Alice; she no longer felt heartbroken and envious about giving up those babies, though she still wanted to be their cool Aunt Phoebe.

Breaking the news to the Gellers was harder, of course. At Thanksgiving dinner, Ross and Phoebe announced that they were having a baby together. Jack was excited by the idea of a new grandchild, but Judy felt concerned that Ross was having another baby out of wedlock. "Why can't you get married this time?"

Ross and Rachel looked at each other guiltily, because they hadn't told their parents about their marriage in Vegas, let alone the fact that their divorce wouldn't be final for some months.

Phoebe rescued them with, "Oh, because technically I'm still married."

"What!" Judy looked scandalized, and Jack asked, "Ross, did you know that you're dating a married woman?"

Phoebe explained, "Oh, don't worry! See, I got married in Vegas years ago, but I thought that Vegas marriages only count in Vegas. So, um, I'll have to get a divorce I guess."

Ross nodded and said, "Yeah, we'll probably have my lawyer Russell handle it."

Judy ventured hopefully, "But then you'll get married after that?"

Ross shook his head. "No, we just started dating, Mom! Besides, we did move in together for the baby, and I think that's plenty for now."

"But you should get engaged at least!"

Ross sighed, and Phoebe said, "No, we don't want to rush things. He went too fast with Emily, and remember how that turned out? Besides, I'd have to plan a wedding, and I don't want to stand at the altar in a wedding dress from a store called 'It's Not Too Late'!"

Judy had to admit that a maternity wedding gown would look unseemly. Jack asked when they would have a sonogram, so Ross told him the date of their appointment.

Phoebe added that she thought she was having a girl. "Unless my pregnancy is throwing off my psychic abilities."

Judy grumbled now about Phoebe's weirdness, and Ross defended her, saying that she was "Wonderful and smart, and she got me to stop being so nuts and pathetic."

Phoebe held her own nicely, too. "Look, this is why you didn't even get invited to the baby shower. So if you wanna get invited to this hypothetical wedding or anything else, then you gotta get on my good side, lady!"

Monica and Rachel smiled at Phoebe's toughness, but they looked at each other tensely, imagining how Judy would react to their own relationship. Rachel also thought that her father Dr. Green would be equally stern and disapproving. So they held hands under the table and decided to wait until at least Christmas to make their announcement. They also needed some pep talks from Carol and Susan.

Giving up against Phoebe, Judy turned to Monica and asked whether anything was new with her. Was she even dating lately? (Monica had not even told her parents that she dated Chandler, whom they seemed to hate.)

Monica gulped and wasn't sure what to say. Lie and say that she was alone? Or that she was dating some man?

Phoebe broke in, saying, "And another thing--where do you get off criticizing Monica all the time? Always getting on her about her boyfriends or her career. All of us friends have had problems, yet you act like she's somehow to blame for the bad luck in her life."

Rachel and Monica smiled at her gratefully.

Ross joined in, "Yeah, you shouldn't treat Monica like she's second best."

"Second best?" Jack asked. "But we love our little Harmonica."

"Then you should show it," Phoebe said. "You really don't notice how Judy treats Monica worse than Ross?"

"Well, y-yes, but Judy's own mother was like that, and Monica already went to therapy with Dr. Weinberg when she was younger. Aren't things better now?"

Monica sighed. "Well, sometimes Mom will admit that she's wrong, but then she'll keep going at me again, you know? Like in London, when Mom kept saying that I was probably never going to get married. That hurt."

"Oh." Jack frowned and turned to his wife. "Judy, I think you better apologize."

"But Jack, she's almost 30 now, and nowhere near getting married."

"Judy! She'll get married when she's ready and finds the right guy. A lot of the women these days wait to get married. Why, Rachel here hasn't gotten married."

Rachel blushed and exchanged a look with Ross again.

Judy said, "Well, at least she came close with that Barry Farber."

"But I left him at the altar," Rachel pointed out, "because I didn't love him. I just felt pressured into it because of what my parents and my sorority friends expected of me. Now will you please stop nagging Monica and pressuring her? Let her be happy."

Jack nodded and repeated, "Judy, you should apologize."

She sighed and frowned, "I'm--I'm sorry, Monica. I shouldn't have said those things in London, especialy in front of those snobby Walthams."

"Thanks, Mom."

"I'm sorry too," Jack said, taking her hand. "I didn't realize that you were upset."

"It's okay, Dad." Monica smiled. She had real hopes now that she and Rachel could come out to them soon. Now they only had to worry about mean old Dr. Green.

* * *

Joey and Chandler spent Thanksgiving at home with the birds (and because of that, they had grilled cheese sandwiches and Funyuns instead of any kind of poultry). The guys didn't feel ready to tell their own parents, either. Joey briefly considered telling his sisters, but some of them still didn't like Chandler after the incident with Mary Angela.

"But it's been three years. They're still mad?"

"Hey, I'm still mad!" Joey said. "You didn't just kiss her, Chandler. You fooled around with her, and couldn't remember her name, and you lied to me. Then you kissed Mary Therese too, and caused that whole scene at the house!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Joe." Chandler kissed him and hugged him. "Will you forgive me, please?"

"What will you do for me?" Joey grinned wickedly and had Chandler make it up to him for the rest of the night. They even broke Chandler's record of seven times in one night, and fortunately, they had the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend to recover from it.

* * *

At work, Chandler had already stopped wearing his wedding ring and told everyone in his office that they were backing off because they had rushed into marriage too soon.

Carla in Human Resources said that they could continue to be "domestic partners" for health insurance purposes. "I mean, you're still living together, right, and you're not breaking up?"

"No, we're still together. Just--just taking it slow."

"Okay. Well, it will be a good idea to keep these benefits just in case of an emergency."

That was good advice, because Joey had trouble getting any acting work. He didn't want Chandler to just be his sugar daddy, so he even got a job waiting tables at Central Perk. Joey did okay as a waiter, but some of the female customers were hot and flirted with him. He almost responded with a "How you doin'?" a couple of times, but bit his lip. He fought the temptation because of Chandler.

"I-I got a boyfriend," he said, generally shocking the women, and sometimes he added, "Uh, why don't you try Gunther instead? He's single, and I think he's straight."

Gunther enjoyed all this attention, which helped cheer him up about Rachel going lesbian. He gave up hoping that she would come visit her former cat, and he started dating.

* * *

Then at Christmas time, as the guys discussed their families, Joey found out that Chandler hadn't spoken to his dad in years. "What? Really?"

"Yeah, um, I was really mad at him about the divorce, and sleeping with the houseboy, and everything."

"But you still talk to your mom."

"But it was more than that, Joey. Um, in college, I-I kissed this guy in a bar in Atlantic City. I guess I was trying to distance myself away from being gay like him."

"Oh. Well, things are different now, and we're together." Joey encouraged him to at least call his dad and start talking again.

So Chandler looked up his dad's number in Vegas and called. He spoke nervously, "Hey, um, it's me, Dad."

"Chandler? It's been a long time."

"Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry. Listen, I-I was just in Vegas a few months ago, and I feel bad now for not trying to visit you or anything."

His dad answered, "You did? Well, um, it's good to hear from you, even belatedly. I've missed you, Chandler. Uh, I'm really sorry about the divorce too, and all that stuff when you were a kid. Did you read any of the letters that I sent you?"

"No, not really. I guess I should have just talked to you and worked stuff out, but it was hard, and that's how I am with Mom, too. Avoiding stuff."

"I know. So, um, what where you doing in Vegas? Just a vacation?"

"Sort of. I was visiting my--my friend Joey." He hesitated, but truthfully, Joey was only his friend at that time. "You see, Joey's my roommate, and he's an actor, and he had a movie that was filming out in Vegas."

"Oh, really? I wish I'd known."

"Well, the movie ran out of money, so he got stuck working at Caesar's palace."

They chatted some more, and then Chandler's dad asked hesitantly whether it would be all right for him to come visit Chandler in New York.

"Yeah, um, okay."

Joey smiled and rubbed Chandler's back, pleased that they were finally making up. Maybe there was hope that the Tribbianis and the Bings could be one big family someday.

The End

**

* * *

**

**Yeah, that's where I'm gonna leave it before it gets any longer. Thanks to Steve Doe for helping me finish this story. The reason I didn't have them come out at Thanksgiving is that the baby shower itself took place in mid-November, so everyone's only been seeing each other a couple of weeks by then.**

**Monica said to her mom, "You promised Dr. Weinberg you'd never use that phrase!" (pulling a Monica) when she catered for Judy in episode 403.**


End file.
